AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

[fellinlovewithawar]

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

^^
This. Nanny is not the hill to die on here. If your own mum wants to be called Nanny then exMil Nanny becomes Nanny Jane

Even the nicest ex MiL is going to baulk at providing free childcare to a grandchild who is not her own while you WFH in HER house. Bless him. I’m sure he’ll at some ping realise this is barking if you keep laughing at him.

A child can't have too many people who love them.

When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’

This makes me feel a little uneasy. Why is he suggesting you put his ex MiL above your DM when it comes to babysitting "duties"? Yes, ask exMiL if your DM isn't available but to suggest asking the non-bio "nanny" instead makes me question why he wants to lessen your family's involvement in your Dc's life. TBF I could be reading more into it than there is but, as I said, it just doesn't sit right with me.

I don’t think it’d bother me too much - my own DM would never have been called ‘Nanny’ anyway and love never comes amiss. But once the child was older I’d make sure they knew what is meant by ‘grandmother’ and who really was one of those.

I can understand your feelings and I think they are a reasonable way to feel. I think it's worth keeping an open mind about what you choose to do. Also, how you feel now with an unborn baby is not how you will feel with a toddler or a five-year-old or a teenager.

I have two children with my ex. At his house they have two step-siblings and a half-sibling. They also have contact and a relationship with their step-siblings' half siblings (my ex's second wife'ex-husband remarried and had more children...).

The divorce and his remarriage was very difficult for me. But I can see benefits to my children of being integrated into their family at their dad's house, and their step-siblings' family. Blended/mixed families can be difficult and anything which increases cohesion is valuable.

I would hope your partner can understand how you feel and allow you to go at your own pace. You might benefit from exploring what it is about this which worries you to help understand your feelings. But I think it coupd be beneficial to the children to do this, and even if you don't like it, you can get used to it.

I can’t see the name ‘Nanny’ as a sticking point — it’s not actually any more meaningful than aunty or any other child-friendly relational name. And if the other children already call her that, it makes absolute sense. The only thing I would not agree with is her being considered ahead of your own mother, but you can control that.

Do you really want your child to feel like the odd one out when you are with his siblings and their family? The one that doesn't belong? OK then.

Chances are if the older siblings are calling her granny around the baby then the baby will likely copy that anyway. That happened with my nephews younger half siblings, they all call my parents nan and grandad just because they initially copied their older brother. My parents didn’t mind so it stuck. My parents used to have the younger siblings round for tea with my nephew (the oldest are mid/late teens now so don’t come often anymore) and they still baby sits the youngest occasionally if ex SIL is struggling for child care.

It does sound like they are basically his family as he doesn’t really have much to do with his own family so I’d probably let it go.

My exh's Mum is a diamond and I always say that I got custody of her in the divorce.

She is a fantastic nana with my two older DC and I've since had a third child with my new partner and she straight away treated him as her own grandchild.

I love it, So does my partner.
The more people that love your DC the better and it would be horrible for the smallest DC to be left out.

If you find it uncomfortable your partner should respect your wishes. I’m not sure what to think. I’ve grown up with step grandparents though, they were always called by first names but were treated as grandparents. I’m not going to lie and say relations with both were great because there were some issues which were ironed out when we came along, maybe that’s why they and my DM preferred their first names rather than Nanny eg Ivy.

My step grandmother did paid childcare when we were older too.

I would go with the above sentiment.

Babies and motherhood are a LOT of work and here you have a woman who is grandmother to your step children and is willing to treat your child on a par with them.

This is preferable to your child being excluded, not taken on trips or given gifts and so forth, always the odd one out.

If your husband has a pseudo mother-son relationship with this woman filling in for a lack of biological familial support I think you should respect it and crack on.

Otherwise you run the risk of alienating your husband and causing issues where your child is seen as ‘other’.

If you want a clean slate where partners are dissociated from ex’s family then you should have gone for a man without children.

To be blunt you aren’t going to understand any of this truly until you become a parent yourself and have a newborn to look after.

You are really very lucky to have the offer of more support and love for the baby, and harmony and acceptance where there are two family camps.

I understand how you feel about this but the telling thing to me is that your partner sees his ex's mum as his, and doesn't have a good relationship with his own.

My husband's ex wife was in a similar situation. After she and my husband divorced, she stayed in close contact with his mother for 40 years (until the latter died). She called her "Mum" and all her children called her "Granny", although only one of them was my husband's. In turn, my mother in law treated her as her daughter and treated all the children as her grandchildren.

I agree with those who say that the more loving adults there are in a a child's life the better.

I also agree with using a different name for "biological" grandparents. That might happen naturally if the real grandmothers don't want to be known as "Nanny". My children called both of their grandmothers "Granny", but they called my father's wife "Granny Mary" (not her real name).

My ex stepmother is Grandma Diane to my kids, they benefit from having a loving extra ‘grandparent’.

The young children of a friend of a dd, not remotely related to us - always call my dh Grandpa, presumably because they’ve heard it from our own Gdcs.

Dh has never objected in the slightest. He is perfectly happy with it.

It’s a no from me

Your DP sees her as his substitute mum, so I think I'd not be so bothered about your child calling her 'nanny'. What would bother me more is the examples you give of him actively trying to prioritise his 'mum' over your DM, but I'd feel like that regardless of whether she's his 'real mum' or not.

Bigger picture, does his ex have a new partner? If not, is there an element of him being kept in the son-in-law role by her family because that's what everyone's used to and no one else has stepped that role yet? I can imagine that, even with the best intentions, this closeness will lessen over time if/when her daughter has a new partner.

Yeah I'm inclined to agree with this. There are so many people on here whose own relatives can't be bothered with their kids, so if this lady wants to be 'Nanny', and is already a good nanny to your DP's kids, I'd be inclined to go with it.

I think you need to accept that they are his family. The ex wife thing obviously is quite unusual but you may need to work on putting your issues with that aside, because limiting the relationship your partner has with a supportive mother-type figure is not really going to go your way. Similarly creating that divide between your baby and his siblings will create unnecessary tension and perhaps resentment.
There are a lot of ways to be divorced and his sounds like quite a positive one. I can fully understand your discomfort but I think maybe it's something both you and your partner need to properly communicate over, each respecting how the other feels in order to come to a compromise that will actually work. There's no use in you telling him he's weird and needs to change, and him telling you you're uptight and need to change. It's a huge grey area and you both need to hear one another. If it were me, though, I think I'd far rather this family culture of love and acceptance, than one of animosity. My parents were very uncomfortably divorced and it's still a total pain for me as their child 20+ years on. If the children in this scenario are being spared that, then it's brilliant.

I understand why people think this is “nice” but I completely think it’s reasonable to not want her to be so involved so much. It almost feels like you’re being forced to accept your partners ex’s parents as your own family for your child and whilst being kind and civil is a wonderful thing; I would feel like this is a huge overstep and boundary line. Your partners upbringing/ lacking family life of his own is not for you to sacrifice your own family feelings. I wouldn’t want my child to refer to my ex’s parents as “nanny” either. There’s being kind and accepting of others for the sake of the children and then there’s just being weird.

The snag with that view @Jellytot1234 is that he has accepted them as his family. OP cannot reject that for him, and would be very unwise to try.

And that means they are part of the lives of all three of his DC.

In normal circumstances I'd say that seems weird but it seems like she really means something to him. If you can get over the fact that it's the ex's mum and as long as she is lovely and welcoming to you I'd go with it. I know it's a big ask on your part but just see how it's goes.

As a child I called my half-brother’s (same mother) paternal grandmother & father Nanna and Grandad but always added their surname ie Nanna Smith although he didn’t (and no other grandparent was referred to as Nanna). A closer familial relationship than the OPs of course but perhaps a distinction like this would be more palatable.

I had a cousin who passed away in his 30s before he had children, leaving his wife a widow. She eventually remarried and had a baby, but remained close to my Aunty and uncle, and the baby she had with new husband grew up with them being grandma and grandpa.

You see her as his exs family. He just sees her as his family.

I have a half sibling. We both called each others paternal grandparent nanny/grandma. His was nicer than mine and treated us both the same... mine didn't even treat her bio grandchildren the same though.

Im really glad we weren't made to be different and have "separate" families.
The more people to love, support and champion a child, the better. Too many don't have any of it at all.

Accomodating? Nothing to do with the nanny bit but what right has anyone got to dictate to their partner who they have a relationship with ( obv not a sexual one)
By the way my stepdad ( mums ex husband) is a grandfather to both mine and my brothers kids. They call him granada A. My youngest I'd now 19 and it's still the case. I hadc2 kids with my ex. He was an arsenal but his mum lovely. We still get on very well ( in fact I took her for lunch Sunday,she's now 80) When myson was born shrpe treated his the same as the girls and my sons grandmother also treated my girls the same as him.