Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

My sons who shared a room to age 18 still live at home and at 25 do not pay the £100 a week this 23 year old pays. Mine qualify in January (solicitors) and will still not pay rent so don't assume even the £100 this boy pays would be the norm in all families. Could he not share a room with the child of the same sex as he is as a compromise? he has been rejected so much already it seems a bit mean at 23 to throw him out. The male brain is not even fully formed until age 25.

OP I think alerting him that he'll have to share with his younger brother when the latter reaches 10 is a good idea.

It's true that it's a very sensitive situation but it's not all your fault. You were a 16 year old who had been lied to, and it sounds like his father plus partner and your parents took a lot of decisions without considering you much. Don't beat yourself up.

As pps said he needs a plan anyway to get on his own feet. I hope you find a good solution.

Xenia we all know you’re extremely wealthy so of course you don’t need to charge you sons rent. This isn’t the case here. The op can’t afford to keep another adult.

I know it's not really what we're talking about, but I do hope you are giving yourself some grace for his early life.

How much older than you is his dad? You say they are an older couple but you were just 16 when you had him? A "relationship" at that age is just grooming and abuse if you ask me. The power dynamics must have been incredibly hard for you to navigate, I don't think you need to feel guilty any more ❤️

Yet another post where some people think it's easy for the young to "earn more money" and move out "because I was self sufficient at the age of 20 in 1982"

Contrasting to a lot of posts, £100 p/w is a lot of money to get from an early-adult child, I'd be looking to see what you can do with that money in useful terms for all of you.

TBF, it's unlikely that the additional costs of one person in a family of 5 amount to £100 per week. At £100 a week she's been profiting from him without a doubt. I'm not Xenia rich by any means, but I wouldn't be making a profit out of my young adults. If I needed them to contribute for loss of benefit purposes or to put food on the table, then fine (obviously not the case with the OP since she seems to want him to move out and take his £100/w with him, so obviously she doesn't need it day to day), but every single penny my young adults pay me in housekeeping will be saved for them for the future.

Yet another thread where people think everyone has tens of thousands in the bank to do a loft conversion or extension or garden room. I'm sure the OP would have done that already if she could afford it

I agree with this. It’s totally fair enough to expect him to cover his costs but he’s got a better chance of being able to save enough to get out of the house if you don’t take any more from him than you have to; even a houseshare will require a deposit.

The £400 a week that he's paying would cover the interest on a mortgage for a loft conversion. That £400 is obviously not needed day to day since OP seems quite keen for him to move out and take his £400 a month with him.

I don't think I would be kicking him out but I would take this opportunity to tell him that after ds2's next birthday that you will need the brothers to share. Give them the biggest room out of the 2 kids bedrooms and reduce rent a little if you can. It's obviously not ideal but opposite sex kids sharing for much longer is much less ideal. My ds1 is nearly 9 and I wouldn't want him sharing with a girl now.

You might find being forced to share with a younger sibling encourages your ds1 to start looking to the future.

Quite a lot of that £400 is going on food and increased utilities with an extra adult in the house. If it covers all meals for the son, I bet that is at least 200 a month on its own.

The extra on the mortgage which the OP said they are struggling to pay as it is would need to be sustainable over the lifetime of the mortgage and not reliant on the son who could move out at any time.

There's no way that stretching family meals from 4 people to 5 people is going to cost an additional £200 a month! I have 2 adults and 2 teens in the house and we only spend about £80 per week, and a lot of that cost is stuff that we'd buy anyway, not bought per person. I reckon an extra person would probably add more like £50 a month tops to the grocery bill.

I'm curious as to how OP will manage if her son moves out and takes his £400/m with him, if they're struggling now when he's subsidising their costs for them.

Do you have another room, a dining room for example that could become another bedroom?

Look at the floor plans up and down your street on “sold house prices” on Google and see what others have done.

But it isn't just "stretching" family meals, it is all food and drinks, so whatever he takes for lunch, breakfast etc too

If you only spend £80/week for a family of 4, you are spending considerably below the average.

According to this, the average grocery spend per person per week is over £40 and young men usually eat more than the average

upthegains.co.uk/blog/average-food-shop-per-week

It’s hard for young adults these days with such high property and rental prices. My kids shared until over 10 (opposite sex) so I’d say you’re ok for a couple more years. Maybe spend that time helping him to look at rentals, I guess have to be a room share. So difficult

What a ridiculous thing to say! He has lived there happily for 6 years. It’s now coming to a time as the 2 younger children are approaching puberty they will need separate rooms. There are about 2 or 3 years to go before it is really necessary, by which time the problem might have resolved itself anyway. Otherwise sharing with much younger brother is probably the only option which probably won’t be particularly attractive to him.

23 is no age at all these days: he is clearly happy with you and family life, and he's hardly had a stable home life so far. Maybe move towards a local bedsit but with meals and laundry still at yours? Still welcome but first stage towards independence.

My eldest is 22 and I can't see him moving out for a few more years. I'd just say to him that in around 18 months you'll have to split the younger 2 and he will need to share with his brother. He won't want to do that but you're not asking him to leave either so hopefully he will start looking at other options.

DON'T tell him what you are thinking, he will feel rejected. There has to be a solution. I would never make him feel unwanted, it could end any future relationship between you out of the window.

OP, well done for moving forward in your life so successfully.

You were only a baby yourself, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

My youngest is that age and the thought of her going through what you went through makes me feel awful.

What an dreadful man his father is and how his step mother stayed and raise him is amazing.

How sad that their relationship is now fractured.

I would do as suggested and move your daughter into the box room and tell him he will now have to share.

This is a reality of family life.

I would tread with care and I think helping him save for a deposit in the future is a good idea.

I agree at 23 is an age to move out but as I have one myself who is in his last year of university and is far too comfortable 🙄, I have no advice🤷🏻‍♀️.

Unfortunately if you live in a convenient comfortable urban setting, the lure of a shared house is limited, especially when they have the memory of lads summer holidays ringing in their ears....

It is so great that he has had the benefit of a close loving relationship with you.

I would tell him about the shuffle and hopefully that will plant a seed.

Wishing you well.

Some revolting replies on here..OP was a child taken advantage of by an older man with a partner (I'd like to know his age tbh), she's not the problem, he was. Also the son is 23, he's an adult, he's not being mistreated . She does need to be wary cos of his upbringing, but she's not wrong to be wondering when hes moving out, it's a normal part of life to move out n move on.

You are SO lucky to have your son back in your life. Don’t push him out - he loves his mum. You can adapt for a couple more years and see how things pan out. Not easy, though but worth it.

I'm loving these 'take out a mortgage for a £45k loft conversion' suggestions. It's probable that no lender would approve that extra £45k if OP is struggling to pay this one.
And we know what will happen if they do. Just as the conversion finishes, son will move in with his new girlfriend somewhere, leaving OP with a conversion she no longer needs and no income from him to pay the extra mortgage for the next 25 years.

I could never ask a child of mine to leave, I was kicked out at 19 and made many mistakes. One of my son's asked to come back home a few years ago, whether I had room or not in the house, he is my son, why would I not take him back in. Would you do the same to the children you have brought up or would you feel different. You have 3 children that need treating equally, think very carefully about your next move. I have no desire to have any contact with my parents now, they made their choice not to want me around, they thought they were teaching me a lesson, they actually lost their daughter for good.