Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

I was 24 when I moved out, fiancé was 27 and we did it years ago when house prices/mortgage rates were affordable. Not sure if it’s the same everywhere but especially amongst my friends it’s common to not move out until mid 20’s.

Times are different now, it’s really hard to afford to live on your own.

Is one of the rooms big enough to build a stud wall and split it into two smaller bedrooms?

He’s only 23! With an unstable background! You’ll destroy him if you reject him again.
I have a 23yr old and a 25yr at home. They are my children and are welcome. It’s hard, esp as he’s in a low income - to find a home and afford it in his own. The little ones can share for longer and if not then you and DH will have to invest in a sofa bed and sleep in the lounge. You can’t throw your son out because the novelty has worn off!

It's so expensive to live as a single person, it's becoming quite common for young adults to live with parents until their mid to late twenties unfortunately.
If he's not earning much and you're taking £100 a week off him, does that leave him much to save?
I would have a chat about his longterm life goals but your younger two can share for a couple more years at least, and then one can share with your oldest surely?

Don't ask him to leave, he needs you.

momtoboys · Yesterday 16:08

countvoncount · Yesterday 12:40

Sounds like he is unwanted though?
I don't think that comment was very nice. He's technically an adult. He has been there 6 years. It may be time for him to move into adulthood by getting a better job and moving on his own

Yes because it’s sooo easy for youngsters to just magic up a better job and support themselves and find affordable accommodation. Especially those from a broken home who feel insecure. So easy. Perhaps he should just buy a flat in London, great opportunities there. I wonder why he didn’t think of it? 🙄

If he wanted to stay with you, could you look at moving to a cheaper area as a family to somewhere with an extra bedroom?

Don’t evict him. I wouldn’t evict any well behaving child and he sounds like he’s working hard and being pleasant to live with. In his case he didn’t get to live with his mum when he was little and that does make it even more important that he feels welcome now (that choice is on you not your parents. You were old enough to sleep with married men you were old enough to keep your baby, it was 2000 teen mums were hardly rare). You could suggest that he shares with the little brother, split your biggest bedroom in 2, loft conversion, garden room, you sleep on the sofa etc. Maybe not ideal but your child deserves to feel welcome in his family.

You're joking.

Again, just as they finally get to move, with all the upheaval and cost involved, he'll decide that he wants to move out.

Come on now. It's perfectly normal for kids in their twenties to hit a stage where they want to be independent, or to find a partner that they want to move in with. It's madness to be advising OP to make massive life changes and financial decisions based on him being there forever.

Kids want to be at home until suddenly they don't. The only changes that OP should be making are temporary or low expense ones.

The only decent advice here is to talk generally about the fact that the younger brother and sister can't share for much longer, and that you all need to prepare for the brothers to share a room. Solicit ideas from the older one about how this will work and how the room can be adapted with screens, storage, whatever.

At last some sensible suggestions, saraclara. Really the situation could resolve itself in the next couple of years and he decide to move out as the younger start to need they’re own rooms.

That legislation only applies to social housing. Do you think the government could go around, forcing people to buy bigger houses they can’t afford?

£100 a week?! Jesus. I find this an extortionate amount. I'm coming at this from a completely different cultural viewpoint but even so, £100 a week is ALOT.

I think you need to find a way of dividing whichever is the biggest bedroom so that the other 2 can have a room each . Lots of people still live at home at 23.

Rubbish, I was sixteen when I had my first son, absolutely no one would have made me give him up ever.

Aren't you wonderful, pat yourself on the back for that. However, everyone's circumstances and, as a result decisisions, are different.

Why does that make it funny? I don't see anything funny here.

OP didn't raise her son, regretted it and now she's had him for a bit she's sick of him and doesn't want him any more. In essence, she wants to abandon him again.

Of course this will damage the fuck out of him just as it will have when she abandoned him originally.

Nothing funny here, just selfish parenting and the tragedy it causes.

This, it doesn't sound like he even had over nights with his mum and her new family till he was 16, as when he did move in room moves had to be made so 6 years of actual parenting mums saying 'that's it, I've done my bit'?

Hi, OP - firstly I'd ignore all the nasty comments about abandoning your DS again, etc. A lot of extremely judgemental people on MN as always. You seem like a lovely person who is trying very hard to do the best for your family and looking for solutions to a difficult situation. But in order to get some more practical help you really should answer some of the questions i.e. do you have a garden and how big (possibly for a room), how many rooms do you have downstairs (if two, could one be turned into another bedroom), how big is your loft (could it be turned into two small rooms, if one needs to be sacrificed for the staircase), could you extend downstairs? If none of these things are possible, I'd take the suggestion of explaining that in a year or two he'll have to share his room with your younger DS. Hope you find a workable solution - good luck!

I would concentrate on getting DS able to provide a good living and home for himself.

He is in a stable situation with you - could he do further study,retrain?? He sounds like a good reliable worker which is ime worth a lot to an employer nowadays.

No, don't ignore the criticism. I am the least judgmental person you could wish to meet but I am going to advocate for the son here. God knows it sounds as though no-one else has.

Don't listen to what you want to hear; your desire to have your son go again does not trump his right to belong.

Christ, you are so lucky tp have had a second chance with him. Why in God's name would you screw it up?

You get one shot at life and this is your chance to do the right thing by your son.

Well said, @MaisyAndTallulah

This is one of the most heartbreaking threads ever. That poor unwanted boy. Shoved away so little kids don't have to share a room. Smh.

Especially from someone who's had a shitty lot in life already. Unbelievable.

Better solution would be to buy a studio flat for your son, not build extensions so he has less initiative to live independently.

@MaisyAndTallulah @LaurieStrode My take on this seems very different from yours. OP has said that he has had a happy and stable life withhis dad until 17. She has been in regular contact with him throughout all of his life, even though she hasn't been in a position to have him live with her full time (apparently perfectly normal for men but for a woman it's considered to be an "abandonment" FGS. As soon as he's really needed a more practical and involved help she has provided it, regardless of having to change the rest of the family's living circumstances. She is asking for an advice how to approach/resolve a difficult dilemma without hurting anyone "he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted." This absolutely isn't a question of her having enough - she won't have much choice in a couple of years when the two other DC turn 10 and can't legally share a room anymore!

Could you put the money he gives you (or a portion of it, depending on what him being there adds to your bills) into a savings account and then give back to him at some stage as a deposit/first couple of months rent to get a place of his own or a flatshare? At some point you could chat to him about what you're doing, so it doesn't sound like an immediate ambush or a negative step in your relationship, you'd like to help him to get on his feet?

It's a big ask for him to move out in the current rental market. It would be very tough for him.