Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

I don't think that comment was very nice. He's technically an adult. He has been there 6 years. It may be time for him to move into adulthood by getting a better job and moving on his own.

He probably loves being with his mum. He's still young. He works hard. He contributes a decent amount. Sounds like a good DS all round. Let him enjoy what he missed out on through no fault of his. Eventually he'll probably want his own space anyway. The other two can wait 2 or so years. He probably enjoys the stability, being around his mum and getting on in the working world. He sounds like a good DS, he deserves a bit of stability, even at 23.

People would be saying the same to a man. It’s not about sex, a parent wants to charge £400 a month rent and expects a 23 year old to move out in this day and age! Doesn’t even give him a chance to save charging so much rent.
Back in the early 2000’s possibly, now a days, no chance! Most young 20’s at home won’t be moving out before they hit 30 unless they find a partner or have very successful careers. You can’t kick one child out in need due to other children, they are ALL her children, not just the younger two.

* I* don't think that comment was very nice. He's technically an adult. He has been there 6 years. It may be time for him to move into adulthood by getting a better job and moving on his own.

How old are your children? Your username suggests that you are quite proud to be a mother. When are you planning to boot your boys out? Obviously before twenty three, that goes without saying - but when?

I'd just tell him that in a few years time he will have to share with his brother , it's up to him then if he is happy with that or if he wants to save to move out

That’s quite a lot of rent he is paying you each month. Could that be halved so he could also save for a deposit to rent somewhere or is he already able to do this on the wage he earns ?

We considered the loft but we'd have to have a proper staircase to meet the planning permission which would mean cutting into ds single bedroom rendering it useless as a room anyway.

You need to be careful he has been rejected once and it feels very much like ‘you’re younger siblings are more important.’

I don’t know how you think he is going to save up to move anywhere you are charging 100 a week and he has a low paid job! Do you have a garage you can convert or an outside space you can look at adding a small summer house on?

Well @savoycabbage it has been a WHOLE 6 years that the op has housed him for! How kind!

The boys can share?

What about a small partition wall downstairs to form a tiny bedroom just so your son has his own space and can continue to be welcomed at home?

Oh why didn't I think of that! The privilege we must all have of automatically assuming all children should have their own rooms!

If he's not earning much how do you think he will be able to move out? How would he save for a deposit and pay rent or a mortgage? It's so difficult for young adults these days

Tbh you don't sound as if you want him. The poor kid

Some people - many people - move out of home by 23!!! Sometimes it means living in a houseshare, getting a different job, moving to different parts of the country etc. shock horror!!!

Keep wondering if all the parents on this thread are well off people living in London/Home Counties where the expectation is that kids will be housed forever. My parents WOULD try to house me now even though I’m more like OP’s age, but they certainly wouldn’t be enthusiastic at the thought, it would put a strain on things and we’d all want a plan for me to move out again at some point.

This isn't about you just deciding that the two youngest children shouldn't share but the NSPCC says

"Legislation states that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms - and that this can be considered overcrowding"

You need to have a chat to him about the long term plans. If he is paying you £400 a month have a look on Spareroom to see what he could get sharing a house. This isn't you rejecting him this is you helping him move onto the next stage in life.

I think what happened to you put you in a no win situation at 16/17. You were a child yourself. You did the best you could with what you had. You were led and guided by others. Your son turned to you when he needed you and you were there.

I don't understand why anyone thinks the DS here is really impoverished and couldn't possibly save- after living expenses, he will have at least £500 a month disposable income. All he needs to pay for from that is clothes/toiletries and then the rest is fun money.

I don't know where the OP is in the country but in many places it would be quite straightforward for him to afford a deposit for a house share

If she stops charging him £400 a month he’d then be able to save up!

Mine are 25 ,24, 22,
I would love them to move out ,but it's not an option
I also have a 13 year old .
The older ones have jobs or uni ,but have no way of managing on their wages .
It drives me mad some days ,other days I'm more understanding.
I think take out of the situation he is not your partners son ...
You need to leave him be
He's also paying you a lot of money

You do know that flat shares and house shares are perfectly normal and acceptable? My youngest (25) flat shares in a city and has a whale of a time.

Do you need his £100 a week? Could you save it for his future instead. Then you'd be able to give him a lump sum in a year or 2 to get his own place.

Awhats the layout of your house like? Can you do a loft room, summer house in the garden, use a downstairs room as a bedroom?

Personally, I wouldn't put him out. The perceived rejection could devastating for your relationship. I also think 23 is young to move out. If he is on a low income he'd only be able to afford a room in a shared house.

The solution seems pretty obvious - two boys share a room (probably in a few years' time). That way all the kids are under your roof and you are doing the best you can with the space you have available.
In the meantime, help him to figure out the way forward with future employment plans.
I am sure I will get skinned alive on here but it isn't a requirement for children to have separate rooms even when they are different sex. Plenty of families out there with limited spaces who have different sharing arrangements. I have friends who for various reasons could not sell up and buy a bigger property so their kids still share a room. They are 15 and 18 and are happy as larry.
The comment above about overcrowding is a little strange. What are the families supposed to do if they can't afford to move and are not eligible for housing?

This. I'd tell him when he's 25 hell have to share largest room with his younger brother do his sister has her own room. He might decide to move out around that time but I'd not be asking him to leave because you've had a second chance with your relationship with him and I'd never jeopardize that.

Absolutely no guarantee of a decent place to live even in a flatshare depending on where you live. We still rent and we're reasonably secure financially but I'm looking to move to a nicer flat and the prices are eyewatering. Even on Spare Room, the going rate used to be around £400 for a share inc. all bills, now it's £600+ and that's not even taking personal bills into account. The rental market is insane right now.

How about a casual chat about his future? Goals career wise, girlfriend, any ambitious like travelling or further training...
Maybe mention as a side note that his siblings will need to stop sharing a room in the nx 18-24 months.

I think he's comfortable, that's your biggest issue. Any changes and he's like to feel rejected.

If it's a typically laid out 2 double and single/box room (1930s/1950s style for e.g.), then you can generally get two small double rooms plus a shower room in the loft if you do a hip to gable and dormer loft conversion. So the boys have the rooms upstairs and the shower room on that floor, you and DD share the middle floor with the family bathroom, and as a bonus the single room becomes a study. We had ours done for about £45k in the SE, but that was about 7 or 8 years ago, so will likely be a bit more now.

The important thing is that you need to make plans for how best to accommodate all of your children until they are ready to move out. If you can't afford to move or extend, then the solution is for the boys to share once the younger children are too old for mixed sex sharing.