Grown Ds back home but there isn't room with our little ones.

[stripesanddots]

When I was 16 I had a relationship with an older man who had a partner and child I didn't know about at the time.
I got pregnant and had a little boy as I turned 17.

I still lived at home, it wasn't planned and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was quite far gone so instead of adoption which my parents encouraged his Dad and partner brought him up.

He was happy but I spent a lot of his life regretting that I didn't keep him and struggling with the loss although I still had contact with ds at weekends so I was still part of his life.
I later met dh and we had dc, who then had their own rooms.
Ds is now 23 but at 17 he fell out with his dad and step mum and moved in with dh and I and our dc, so I put our dc in together and gave ds a bedroom.
At first I was delighted to have ds back but he's now 23 and has no plans to ever leave.

He has a job but it doesn't pay well, for his own sake I'd like him to make plans to try and make it on his own, he's been back here 6 years and it's been lovely but I'd like him to be a grown up now and plan his future without making him feel unwanted.

Our own dc were also only a baby and toddler when he moved in and as they're the opposite sex we really need his room eventually which sounds terrible but when we had the dc we had no idea Ds would be moving in.
A bigger house is not an option as we both work flat out to pay this mortgage.

My DH shared a room with his brother (who was 5 years older) until he was 19 and left home. Older brother didn't leave until he was 26. His parents had a three bed house and had three kids. It was the only solution. My DH would have loved his own room (as would his brother) but it hasn't damaged them for life. OP you have three kids albeit with a big age gap. You sound like you have considered the older one nuisance from the start. He is not responsible for your feelings when you had him. Be very careful how you handle this because it could shape the rest of your relationship in a very bad way.

What are the cost of rentals in your area ? He is probably looking at a room in a shared house sadly , if he can get one of those. In my area its impossible to get an affordable rental and even a room is expensive and there is a lot of competition .

OP has he ever had a girlfriend?

That can motivate young people to want a place of their own.

The other thing is, would 4 times his salary as mortgage be enough to convert the upstairs of your house as a new bedroom and bathroom? Then he gets equity in the house, can stay as long as he wants, problem or bedrooms goes away?

Lots of young people are on very low wages at the start. Is there no chance this could increase with time?

I do feel very sorry for him though. He didn’t ask to be born. No matter how young you were he’s your responsibility and his Dad already did 16 years. You’ve got 10 more to go to match that effort.

Hope you can find a way to ensure he feels like/knows you love him unconditionally.

Would you say the same if her post was about a son she raised and is now 23 and has no plans to leave?

Irrespective of if he was raised by his father or OP he still needs to get on with his life at some point.

Well, that's kind of the point. She didn't, and she would be letting him down again now if she kicks him out!!

My kids are all in their 20s and for various reasons are back living at home. They will always have a home with me.

@stripesanddots maybe you need to move somewhere that can accommodate all your children?

Could you convert, the space in your loft for a room for your son?
You aren’t being unreasonable, but it might be better to wait another couple of years, till your two younger children are a little older, and maybe your older son will decide to move out.

As some PP have said you need to make a 2 year plan together with the aim of him becoming (mostly) independent by then. Qualifications to increase his earnings etc. Not just because you need the room but because this is what’s best for him too in the long run.

Please don’t beat yourself up about decisions made when you were 17, you were a child yourself.

Yes, which means though that the situation should be dealt with differently. He’s spent most of his life with his DF, and there must have been times when he felt unwanted by his DM. How can he leave when it sounds like he’s on minimum wage, and there will be nowhere for him to go? Where do you suggest? A shop doorway, a park bench, sofa surfing?? My ds is 26, and still at home. And in the current financial climate, asking him to leave would be basically chucking him onto the streets.

That is the elephant in the room, of course.

It's different telling a much loved and cosseted adult child, who you've been there for through thick and thin but who has perhaps become too secure and comfortable at home, that they need to fly the nest, to kicking out a young adult who may feel that they've never really have had a secure base and to whom it may come across as another abandonment. I think the OP needs to deal with this carefully. It's not unusual for children with interrupted attachments/personal trauma to take longer to mature.

OP unfortunately got herself into this mess, yes she was young at the time but her choices ultimately led to an innocent child being born. Her son didn't get somebody pregnant at 16 so your comment is irrelevant to this situation.

OP take your backstory out of the equation. If these were all you and dp's children you simply have sam sex children share a room. It's not rocket science. You may not mean to but you come across as wanted your new family unit and your first child to the side. You all failed him miserably but you were lucky enough to get a second chance. Don't ruin it.

i do think £400 is too much for your son to pay whilst saving to move out. Could you potentially help support him if he did move out? You willhave to be so careful not to push him away. My daughter is 23 and after her degree has had to come home for a while because she has a zerohours min wage contract. Can you put a caravan/ campervan on your drive or build a studio in the garden?or can he be a lodger with someone close to your house.

Goodness, some horrific replies here.

There is a housing crisis, and the economy has generated a lot of low-skilled jobs. We have collectively failed to ensure sufficient housing, especially young single people; and we have failed to build an economy based on high-skilled work.

This young person is on a low income, and cannot afford private sector rents. This is not his mother's fault. She is clearly doing her best - but also has responsibilities to the younger children, who have no choices at all.

Oh FFS. The 23 year old is too young to be thrown out (I'm not saying he should be, just that that's the line some PPs are taking) but the OP at 16 should have been mature enough not to get herself into 'this mess' having had very little choice, being manipulated by an older man and getting huge pressure from her parents?

How do you expect him to save for a deposit to move out if he is on low wages and you charge him £100 per week?

He's your child. Not something you pick up and chuck him out when you feel you've done your parental duty.

Poor boy.

I'm incredulous that some people on here seem to regard living in a single parent set up with weekly contact with the other parent as equivalent to adoption???? (But only when the parent you live with is the dad apparently)

My mum had me at 16 and gave me up too. To my grandparents we've never had a relationship because of it she moved on and made new families. I had DD at 17 and we're incredibly close. Being a teen mum isn't an excuse.

I can understand the situation wasn't ideal and tough choices needed to be made, but you have to live with the choices you make. He is her son and OP should have prioritised him instead of creating a brand new family.

Please tell me that was a failed attempt at sarcasm?

@Luxell934 instead of creating a brand new family

She has created one family - her family. Unless you think young single mothers should never have another relationship or further children.

This

I was 😮
Then I realised what you were doing.
Sees to me like that too.
Sad for ds.

OP was 16 years old - 16! And you think she should have had the emotional maturity to have dealt better with the situation. Yet her 23 year old son is so so young and needs to be handled like a baby who can't function independently. The usual MN double standards.

Exactly.

I'm not denying that it needs to be handled with a little more sensitivity than usual, but the posts blaming a 16 year old for making the decision that she did (under pressure) are most unfair.
The fact that she and he have an excellent relationship now is a testament to them both.

Completely agree!

The sexism on this thread is disgusting.

Many children grow up with the mother as the primary carer and only seeing their dad at the weekend and nobody bats an eyelid, but in OP’s situation, because the child was raised by the father it means she’s an awful person, an awful mother, that she clearly never wanted the child and that she abandoned him etc. I’m pretty sure that if I read back through the thread I would find many other awful accusations and derogatory comments thrown in OP’s direction on top of those ones too.

Are people forgetting OP was a 16 year old girl who got pregnant by a much older man who already had a partner and children that he had lied about and kept hidden?

A 16 year old child who had no support.

I would be very interested to know how old this guy was when he was sleeping with a 16 year old child before getting her pregnant and then effectively taking her baby away from her.

Do you have any room to put a garden pod or convert a garage or loft ?