To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Take up an all day Sunday hobby - this is the only way he will understand.

Say you are really sorry you understand the need for downtime and you have taken time to think about how it’s really important for mental health and to feel good about yourself. Hobbies are important especially with 4 kids.

Then drop in that you start x all day every Sunday from next weekend. Go out at 8 get back at 5. Hill walking. Golf. Volunteering. Metal detecting. Take up board gaming - dungeons and dragons. Join a band and rehearse. Anything really.

You will lose family time initially but you may find he opts to change to every other weekend when he realises how hard the Sunday is. Do not cook for them/leave lunch. Just get up, waltz off and turn off your phone.

He is not listening to you. He isn’t bothered about the impact on you. You are default childcare. He’s an arse and he’s not listening to you now you are tied to him with a baby and part time job. I’d also go back full time asap.

How bloody decent and generous of him to begrudgingly allow you to go out with your friend on Saturday. I do hope you got on your knees and bowed to the nobel one!

FFS!!! TELL him he has THREE children and that isn't conducive to golf every Saturday.

I'd also TELL him that you will both alternate Saturdays as your 'me time' and if he doesn't like it, the alternative is separating and then he won't be able to do it every Saturday then anyway.

He seems good at being able to make children but not so good at actually parenting them.

Stand firm OP!!!! You need time to yourself too.

@Starbie
Why not hire a sitter for every other Saturday? That would provide the free time that you seek, and allow him to continue his golfing The children , with the exception of the baby, are all at or approaching an age where they will not want their Saturdays devoted to family time. In fact, you may only need a sitter for one full Saturday each month.

If he earns a good income, why not use it to create the life style and accommodations that make for comfortable living? Even in a relatively rural area, you can probably find a reliable sitter.

Why should she???!!!!! He's being incredibly selfish booking every Saturday out purely for himself!
This is not an equal partnership and shows absolutely zero respect for OP.
Why the hell should she accommodate this and get a bloody babysitter instead of the children's parent actually parenting?!

@rainbowsparkle28

Does she want to make a point or does she want a solution?

Is this the only selfish behaviour or are there others?
Are you both on the mortgage/house in equal shares? Is your personal pension the same value as his? How are your wills?
What is the dynamic like with his parents? Did he grow up watching a fair and equal relationship?

So another, probably, woman, needs to come and step in for his lack of actual parenting (and partnership)? Rather than him actually do some of the work?

Do me a favour.

Your suggestion isn't a solution. It's a sticking plaster over a wound that requires actual stitches.

The solution is that he needs to parent his children and acknowledge that she is as deserving of time to herself as he is.

A golfer friend once said to me that golf is a game for men who don't like their wives (partner in your case). Make of that what you will.

But that would mean thinking of her as a real person instead of an assistant to the main protagonist (The Man).
Whatever next? Thinking of all
woman as real complex humans with needs and desires and a rich inner life, deserving of respect!

I know where the golf clubs would be. That is so selfish.

Excellent post.

You have unwisely reduced your hours to be a skivvy aupair to his children.

Your housing, pension and savings are all impacted by your choice to be an umarried skivvy aupair.

Unfortunately these decisions are ones women on MN learn to bitterly regret.

I didn’t know things would be like this… it was only when I got pregnant and his DC moved in that his behaviour changed.

@SecondUsername4me
His wife is not his teacher. Each of them will parent in the way that they think best. His other kids are teens, he probably assumed that his baby needs days were behind him. Clearly, he did not think through the time implications and responsibilities that having a new baby would entail. However, if he earns enough to pay for a responsible sitter, that would solve the OP's problem.

Would she rather be right than free on the occasional Saturday? Arguing about his parenting is probably pointless. He knows as much about his choices and options as does the OP.

She can get as much validation as possible from this forum, but that does not get her even 1 step closer to a solution.

Tbh, many men are not looking to make a step back in terms of parenting stages even though they may agree to have a child. In most cases , I suspect that agreement is usually made to satisfy or placate the partner.

You can discuss your issue in terms of what should be, but you can only solve it in terms of what is.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but you are right that every other Saturday is the obvious compromise. He is being incredibly selfish when you have such a young baby (not discounting the other children). My DH used to play golf (not all day though, he played 9 holes) until our twins were born then he realised that it would be unfair to do that every Saturday. His teenage children were at home with me too! 9 holes worked quite well as the older children weren’t up that early so he was home by the time they were vertical. 18 holes and drinks is incredibly unfair on you.

I also think you are going to have to find an all day Sunday hobby leaving him with all the children - including baby - to make him see how ridiculous he’s being.

Remind him that you need down time too!

Good luck!

😂Yes, every single person who plays golf doesn't like their partner 🙄

Tell your little golfer friend that just because he can't find a partner he likes it doesn't mean he can speak for every golfer.

Great little wind up post there.

I love golf too (rarely find women to play with though weirdly…) and so I suggest you take it up too and insist you play all day on Mondays and he goes down to 4 days working (could you afford 20% less income?) and looks after the baby and the other children’s needs that day! Xxx

Not home till 4pm when teeing off early is ridiculous. When my husband plays golf on weekend he tees of as early as possible and managed to get home for 1 including a pint and sandwich after the round.

Someone had better alert the Elders

Have I time slipped back to the fifties?

Yeah this! ^ The only time I ever see women cycling, (as part of a 'hobby group') is when they have no school age kids. There is a womens cycling group in my little town, (some 35 women in it,) and they are ALL over 50. Any women with school age children never seem to have any hobbies or interests that don't include the children. Men have several. Funny that isn't it?

Anyone else think that this kind of behaviour - opting out of family life whenever it might get stressful- could be the reason his relationship with the mother of the teenagers broke down?

OP - I don't think he's going to change. Keep talking to him about it and be careful making big decisions while baby is so little, but do have a think about whether you can/ will tolerate this long term.

This man sounds like the type who will agree with a babysitter every other Saturday, but won't put his hand in his pocket. He will expect the OP to pay.

Id style it out until kid in nursery and you’re back at work then separate.

imagine how lovely to be at home in peace with your baby and have every other weekend off! Dreamy!

Think about that OP.

Read up on abusive controlling men and pregnancy.

Some men keep their mask up UNTIL a woman is pregnant because they then believe she is STUCK and has less options.

That you state he changed when you became pregnant indicates you NEVER knew the REAL him.

This is the real him.

A selfish arsehole that has NO interest whatsoever in any of his children.

The more you push back the nastier and more abusive he will become.

The step parenting board on MN is full of stories like yours.

Have you family that you can visit?
Have you family who will support you?

Abusive men often target women without support.

This will only get worse.

He has shown you who he is.

Please believe him.

Reach out to Women's aid for a chat.

Talk to your GP and health visitor too.

He never wanted a partner nor another child.

He needed a skivvy aupair that will parent and STFU.

Protect yourself and reach out to those that care for you.