To deliver a lesson in table manners?

[Mannersdomatter]

My partners child is 12 and just started high school (year 7).

I realised last week that she doesn’t know how to use cutlery. We went to a very nice expensive restaurant and she ate her entire meal, including broccoli, with her fingers. She was holding broccoli in her fist like a banana/lollipop and biting it.

later on I asked her to use her cutlery and she had it in the wrong hands and was totally
clueless how to hold it.

in addition to this she lies down at the table, sits on her phone, spills food down herself, chews with her mouth open and is generally lacking in table manners.

I work in education and have children myself and I am astonished at how immature she is. She behaves more like a 6/7 year old. She is clearly bright, but speaks in a very baby voice and asks the most silly questions for her age. I worry she’ll be targeted at school by bullies.

WIBU to say to my partner I won’t eat out with them again until he teaches her how to use cutlery? I don’t feel it’s my place to pull her up on her table manners (although I have done several times).

I just realised I sound like my mother! 😂

Why can't she use cutlery? Using a phone is poor manners- however not unusual, even with adults- but not being able to use cutlery is a worry.

Sounds like something else going on op.
Autism perhaps?

I once had a couple approach me in a restaurant to comment on how well ds (now 23) was using cutlery- he was 2!
no excuse for poor manners unless there is some disability that you haven’t mentioned?
But how have you not noticed the poor manners until now? Or was this the first time you met her? If so was she doing it to wind you up?

you sound clueless yourself, there is no "wrong hand" for cutlery - that idea went out with the victorians

Unless she has got SEN, how can you have any respect for your partner if this is his level of parenting? Haven't you all eaten together at home and seen? What does he say about it?

Is she being mollycoddled? Unless another reason why she hasn't been taught basic skills.

How long have you been with your partner? Have you never fed his child at home? How have you only just realised this?

Yes it definitely needs approaching, a 12 year old should be able to eat pretty much like an adult!

It sounds like either she has SEN or has been completely neglected.

Or both

I agree - SEN or neglect. Her parents need to sort this. Please don't interfere or make her self conscious about it. As a teacher I can say that this doesn't surprise me at all unfortunately. Go into any primary school dinner hall and you will see this. We have stopped mentioning it to parents - they say they're too busy or it's not important.

Yabvvu to suggest there is such a thing as 'the wrong hands'

Educate yourself.

Many left handed people hold cutlery the other way round. They are following their natural instincts. Who are you to tell them their brain is wrong?

Are all Americans wrong too?

It doesnt have to be any serious form of SEN. I am dyspraxic and don't like cutlery, and eat bits with my fingers if it is dry and I am with close friends. Also, the OP and I would seriously fall out over the whole idea that there is a "wrong hand" to have your cutlery in, I have been fighting this bigorty all my life! Thankfully it is a tiny ignorant few who persist with this ridiculous victorian convention that people have to be forced to hold their pen or their cutlery in a particular way or in a particular hand

Indeed

It's simply ignorant.

There absolutely is a right way to hold cutlery - basic etiquette exists long after the Victorians 😂

I have seen her eat before - it’s not something I have just noticed. I suppose I’ve just mulled it over the past few days. We don’t live together.

no disability, no SEN, no reason why she shouldn’t be able to.

should I bring it up with my partner?

Of course you bring it up with your partner if you are adamant that you won't go to a restaurant with them, you'll need to give him a reason.

It's ableist bullshit to suggest there is a right or wrong hand to hold cutlery in.

Incredibly ignorant OP.

It is widely accepted that if you’re right handed you hold your knife in your right hand and fork in left. If you’re left handed then you would swap around.

You didn't say that earlier. Perhaps you should have been more clear.

Pick up plate, put on floor, saying eat properly or on the floor like an animal. At 12 ,no additional needs. She is aware and making a choice. probably for attention

I voted YABU because there are key things wrong that mean your goal will fail. And possibly impact on your relationship with her.

First why hasn't her father taught her ?
Is she being raised in a family that culturally they use their hands?
Has she asked you to teach her?
Is there a possibility of SEN?

Really I would be leaving this to her parents. But by all means ask her father?

Primary school? Our year 11 had a dinner and disco at a smart hotel, before such things became 'Proms', and more than one said they had never sat at a table for a whole meal and clearly looked unsure with cutlery, in whichever hand.

no it isn't "widely accepted" that you hold your fork in one hand and your knife in the other,

It is "widely accepted" that it is ignorant bigotry from the victorian age to say one way of holding your cutlery is better than another

Why though? I'm mostly right but use my left for some things, including holding rackets/bats, playing guitar and... holding a knife. I prefer it that way. What difference does it make?

My respect for her father would go out of the window.

Leaving aside the fine details of cutlery, it’s unacceptable to be using a phone, laying down on the table, chewing with your mouth open, and eating broccoli like a lollipop. At a fine restaurant or at home. The fact that her parents don’t pick up on this would make me not think very highly of them as parents or as people.

This makes no sense

There's either a correct way to hold cutlery (even for left handed people) or there isn't