To deliver a lesson in table manners?

[Mannersdomatter]

My partners child is 12 and just started high school (year 7).

I realised last week that she doesn’t know how to use cutlery. We went to a very nice expensive restaurant and she ate her entire meal, including broccoli, with her fingers. She was holding broccoli in her fist like a banana/lollipop and biting it.

later on I asked her to use her cutlery and she had it in the wrong hands and was totally
clueless how to hold it.

in addition to this she lies down at the table, sits on her phone, spills food down herself, chews with her mouth open and is generally lacking in table manners.

I work in education and have children myself and I am astonished at how immature she is. She behaves more like a 6/7 year old. She is clearly bright, but speaks in a very baby voice and asks the most silly questions for her age. I worry she’ll be targeted at school by bullies.

WIBU to say to my partner I won’t eat out with them again until he teaches her how to use cutlery? I don’t feel it’s my place to pull her up on her table manners (although I have done several times).

I just realised I sound like my mother! 😂

By whom will it be noticed? Why on Earth should anyone care?!

I’ve just read that he is a boyfriend and you don’t live together. Therefore, my advice is: RUN! He doesn’t care enough to parent his own child; imagine what he will be like with yours.

Both my ex partners are right handed and eat with the fork in the right hand and the knife in the left. I was a bit confused by this, but why on earth does it matter?

I feel like OP is getting some really unnecessary heat for the cutlery thing.

There is no right or wrong way, but, generally speaking, it makes sense that if you are right handed the knife would be in your dominant right hand, and if you are left handed it would be in your dominant left hand. Anyone would struggle to cut properly with a knife in their non-dominant hand.

Isn’t what OP is saying just that she isn’t holding it in the way that complements her handedness (and “wrong way” is just shorthand for that)?

I don’t see how it is “bigoted” to notice that.

And I would agree with others it suggests either SEN, or that she has never been properly shown how to cut things - in which case I’d take a dim view of your partner - or that she is wilfully ignoring in an attempt to gain attention (though the latter would not be my first assumption).

There is no right or wrong way, but, generally speaking, it makes sense that if you are right handed the knife would be in your dominant right hand, and if you are left handed it would be in your dominant left hand. Anyone would struggle to cut properly with a knife in their non-dominant hand.
I never understood this. As a left-handed person I've never eaten the wrong way round and I've never seen either the knife or fork as needing to be dominant. You need both of them, you need dexterity and power with both to spear food, hold it, cut it and move to your mouth. I don't see how there's any benefit for a left hander to hold the knife in the left or a right hander to hold it in the right. I'm pretty sure using cutlery requires use of both hands equally.

Interesting. I would be absolutely hopeless cutting anything with my non-dominant hand, be that with knife or scissors or whatever.

I think maybe the way I explained this distracts from the real point I was trying to make, which is just that I don’t think OP was making any kind of judgement when she used the term “wrong way” (and I note you’ve used the term too, presumably with no judgement intended one way or the other).

Could be a lot of reasons. And it's difficult to address them compassionately.

I'd steer away from blaming the kid, or excluding her. It's not like anyone clear sightedly chooses to be behind at life skills at 12.

Maybe some gentle probing about what her upbringing has been like so far will work. Or non judgemental exploration of why she eats like she does.

I'm seeing a little shock and disgust at how she is so behind. But you can probably stay curious and not let that affect your interactions?

The wrong hands thing is totally unimportant (I am 30, ambidextrous and ASD). I have ate like a left hander since I was small, I cannot do it the other way. I think this is because my dad is left handed and I copied him. But it doesn’t make a difference. The point is a child of that age should be able to use cutlery.

It doesn't always work that way! There is no right or wrong handed way to use cutlery, as long as it's used properly. Throughout primary school i was penalised for using my cutlery the 'wrong way'. I was made to sit at the table and not leave until i'd used the cutlery the right way, often having to eat cold food and missing out on break time. All because i use cutlery like a left handed person when i'm right handed!!

OPs partner is the one who has created this situation so she should refuse to eat out with him.