To deliver a lesson in table manners?

[Mannersdomatter]

My partners child is 12 and just started high school (year 7).

I realised last week that she doesn’t know how to use cutlery. We went to a very nice expensive restaurant and she ate her entire meal, including broccoli, with her fingers. She was holding broccoli in her fist like a banana/lollipop and biting it.

later on I asked her to use her cutlery and she had it in the wrong hands and was totally
clueless how to hold it.

in addition to this she lies down at the table, sits on her phone, spills food down herself, chews with her mouth open and is generally lacking in table manners.

I work in education and have children myself and I am astonished at how immature she is. She behaves more like a 6/7 year old. She is clearly bright, but speaks in a very baby voice and asks the most silly questions for her age. I worry she’ll be targeted at school by bullies.

WIBU to say to my partner I won’t eat out with them again until he teaches her how to use cutlery? I don’t feel it’s my place to pull her up on her table manners (although I have done several times).

I just realised I sound like my mother! 😂

Uh... what?

The fork holds the food, the knife cuts it whichever hand its held in. You're saying your friends are pulling things apart with the fork?? O__o

My god I am SO sick of every example of shit parenting on here being out down to the child having SEN by so many posters.
This!!

OP did your partner say anything to his DD? Did he ask her to behave or did he ignore it or did he accept it as normal. Thant would be the deciding factor for me. You say you asked her to eat with cutlery, why hadn't your partner already asked?

It amazes me how some people can use a phone but not a knife or fork.
And this too. My DC with dyspraxia, took a long time to learn how to use cutlery properly. Years. From starting with food he could pick up only with a fork to slightly larger pieces he had to cut to proper meals. He went through a phase about aged 11 of refusing to use his cutlery properly because it was "too hard to use both hands". So we packed the Switch away as it would be too hard for him to use with both hands.... Never had any issues again. No, he's not the cleanest eater and he's clumsy with his cutlery, but he uses it. If someone had the dexterity to use a phone normally, then they probably also have the dexterity to use cutlery. There's a difference between trying to use cutlery and eating with your hands.

I also would be asking how she got to this age without her father teaching her any of this and I would also refuse to go out to a restaurant with them. We also went through a phase when I refused to eat out with my DC unless it was a very child-friendly place.

Yeah, a ridiculous rule observed by about 99.9% of the fork-and-knife weilding population.

OP, this would drive me insane and I would not be eating out with her until she makes an effort.

This. Kids start holding plastic cutlery in the high chair to get them ready for eating proper meals with the family. This is what happened when my children were babies anyway.

On the plus side, she eats the broccoli!

My 13 y/o step daughter doesn't use the knife which baffles me. I set the plate with knife and she uses her fingers to scoop the food onto her fork. When I ask her to use the knife, she says she doesn't want to make extra washing up. Unfortunately, I assume this is how they normally eat at her mum's and quite possibly she just doesn't know how to use knife and fork as never had an example set for her.
I am not sure I would be insisting my partner takes care of it. She is my child too so it is totally my place to address something which only I seem to be bothered about. I ask both of them to put their phones away when eating - they are as bad as each other and, ultimately, it is not her fault she's not been set a good example.

I have no view on how cutlery should be held.
However, huge disservice to any person raised
A not understanding that cutlery should be used
B how to use it

Well my 12 year old is not sen and certainly not neglected like suggested here but even though when she is out I make her use cutlery she struggles with a knife. When at home she will always choose to eat with her hands where she can and cutlery is always only as a necessity. She also struggled tying shoe laces and doing buttons up I suppose you would have looked down at her for that too.

Dont necessarily jump to sen. My dd is very bright and NT and has always struggled with using cutlery. We obviously practise and she can use it but would always prefer to use her fingers!
Definitely more likely poor parenting!!

Did you just notice this is the fancy restaurant - maybe you were particularly self conscious.

Why haven’t you addressed this before now with your DP?

She sounds neglected and attention seeking - which would mean your DP was a neglectful parent - how can you find that attractive?

Just so I've got this straight, parents feel it's better for someone to be humiliated when faced with a seemingly random array of flatware in a restaurant or at an important event (meeting a partner's family, finding yourself on the same table as the boss at the Christmas party ...) than to offer a child guidance on the accepted ways of laying a table?

Why is absolutely every child on MN diagnosed with autism within the first 3 replies? It really f-s me off.

It really isn't im ambidextrous I write right handed and by your measurement I eat "wrong" as i eat mostly left handed the reality is I can eat either way I can carve a chicken with either hand (which was a suprise in catering collage) I can sew and iron with either hand I don't conform to "rules" and don't see why I should either

Perhaps it’s dementia

Well, mumsnet certainly gives you an insight. Is this the sort of behaviour displayed by all the YABU responders at the dinner table? On what parallel universe is op wrong to be disgusted with a fully abled 12yo being oblivious to basic table manners? Everyone saying she is being snobbish and outdated need to remember that if she is behaving like this into adulthood, she'll find her social and working options limited. Childhood is supposed to be about training your kids to become the best adult they possibly can be, and bad table manners are a very basic.

Where did anyone suggest that? 🤔

The 'snobbish' and 'outdated' comments are ONLY in response to the OPs suggestion that there is a correct hand in which to hold your cutlery.

No, itt didn't.
I don't know where you got that idea from.

Well, yes, because these things are key skills which should have been mastered by twelve years of age really.

There definitely is a right way to use cutlery, because the pps banging on about how "they do it differently and don't judge " obviously know the conventions they're flaunting!
Most people with any kind of disability have actually tried really, really hard to do things the way able bodied people do, and only mitigate when it's too difficult. That's not what the OP is describing. This would really annoy me but I wouldn't pick it as a hill to die on.
There's something really worrying about a society where there are no cultural norms and where rules which help everybody to concentrate on enjoying a nice meal and the social aspects are abandoned in case they stifle individuality. It's really off putting to watch someone eating messily or struggling to do basic things common to their own culture like using cutlery. Unless the girl the OP is referring to eats with chopsticks or has a different culture at home? But a bit unusual to eat broccoli like a lollipop...

No not really, to me op suggested that her sd was eating with her fingers, and held the cutlery as though she couldn't use it. She acknowledged that some left handed people would swap.

Sounds like something else going on op

Autism perhaps?

Why is absolutely every child on MN diagnosed with autism within the first 3 replies? It really f-s me off.

Agreed. I posted at 09.45hrs today and said about the young people they I work with. They are not autistic. Some may have been neglected, abused etc etc. However the ones I commented on that can't/won't use a knife and fork are definitely not autistic or have a SEN. They are not the children I work with.

Wow I feel like I fell through a portal!!
Having good table manners is a life skill. Promotes confidence, socialising, and good for your food hygiene.
make adaptations and adjustments by all means.

I’ve actually never seen anyone intentionally eat with their cutlery in the ‘wrong’ hands. I must be very limited.

Yes I know lots of left handed people and they still hold their fork in their left hand...
Don't get me started on holding a pen correctly!!