To deliver a lesson in table manners?

[Mannersdomatter]

My partners child is 12 and just started high school (year 7).

I realised last week that she doesn’t know how to use cutlery. We went to a very nice expensive restaurant and she ate her entire meal, including broccoli, with her fingers. She was holding broccoli in her fist like a banana/lollipop and biting it.

later on I asked her to use her cutlery and she had it in the wrong hands and was totally
clueless how to hold it.

in addition to this she lies down at the table, sits on her phone, spills food down herself, chews with her mouth open and is generally lacking in table manners.

I work in education and have children myself and I am astonished at how immature she is. She behaves more like a 6/7 year old. She is clearly bright, but speaks in a very baby voice and asks the most silly questions for her age. I worry she’ll be targeted at school by bullies.

WIBU to say to my partner I won’t eat out with them again until he teaches her how to use cutlery? I don’t feel it’s my place to pull her up on her table manners (although I have done several times).

I just realised I sound like my mother! 😂

Who made up this stupid rule? Right handed and i eat with my fork in my right hand as does everyone I know, why would I use my weak hand to navigate food to my mouth?

I do wonder whether there is a disability that OP hasn't yet been told about, or that the parents haven't picked up. Like at 12, I would expect most children to have 1) been taught to use cutlery by their parents, AND 2) to have picked it up from school, just from seeing others eat. The fact that both these things seem to have failed with this child suggests that she has a) has never been taught to use it (a sign of neglect), but also that watching others use it, hasn't enabled her to learn (learning and/or physical disability)

I’m right handed, I use my fork in my right hand. It makes sense tome use my dominant hand for the scran scoop. One twatty colleague mentioned it at a team lunch and I said ‘well I’ll switch to the left if you want my lunch in your lap!’

I’m right handed, use my fork in left knife in right, husband also right handed Nd does the opposite. We both manage to eat perfectly fine.

Does your partner have good manners himself ?

Holding broccoli in her hand and eating it like a lollipop must feel wet/greasy and messy, it is bizarre. Unless none of her schoolmates eat with cutlery at lunchtime and her parents use their hands to eat too, she must know it's unusual. So beyond table manners, something is going on here, especially alongside a "baby voice." Where's her mother? How does her father interact with them both?

If this is true, then I fail to understand why no one has picked up that she doesn't seem to be able to eat correctly, whether it's with cutlery or not.
Such as her mother, other family members or her teachers.
Does she lay across the dining table at home or school?
Eat like a cave woman at home or school?
Also, if she is lacking a maturity expected for her age then why has no one else picked up on that either?

Well yes, it does mean that the only person eating correctly at the table is your DH. If it doesn't matter to you then that's obviously fine but if you go anywhere nicer than a chain restaurant it will be noticed!

Having been to many non chain restaurants, military event and work related events - it wasn’t! A hundred years ago yes but now there is no such things as the correct hands to eat. Yes the table is set correctly but it’s quite easy to pick up and swap!

If the OP wants her partner to leave her instantly, this is great advice

My SDs talk in baby voices to DP, and only to him, and act very childishly, it’s just a response to their parents divorce and really not something to be contemptuous about.

also, eating with one’s hands is not in and of itself a big deal imo, there are plenty of people around the world who do it. This is less aimed at the OP and all the people fainting at the thought of not eating “properly”

Using the wrong hands is not outdated. Table manners are sadly underrated these days and parents can be judged if their children exhibit poor manners.

If someone judges me for using my fork in my right hand or letting my children dot he same then their opinion isn't worth anything.

It really doesn’t matter about the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ hand, but hopefully we can agree that eating broccoli like a lollipop is definitely not acceptable for a 12 year old?!

Are you and your children “clueless as to how to use cutlery” and eat broccoli in your fist?

@Mirabai She was replying to someone who implied that eating with cutlery that way around was bad manners.

I wonder how she eats broccoli (or anything else) when she's not seeing her father.

I would not be surprised if she can eat perfectly normally elsewhere. Could she be acting younger and less competent than she is, because she's scared of losing her father altogether? Perhaps she fears that if she acts too grown-up, he'll think she doesn't need to be taken care of, and he'll move on to a new life that doesn't include her.

She wouldn't be thinking any of it consciously, I'm sure. It would be below the surface.

Don't make a conflict out of this but work through it gently by example and suggestion.

@HeffyAgain why will it be noticed in these so called ‘nicer restaurants’? Is the company so boring that they will take to watching everyone around them. Maybe they should keep their noses out and judge less?

How long have you been in her life? Could she be deliberately doing this to push your buttons?

If she is yr7 with no SEN then the brocolli eating and baby talk sounds like she is playing you for a reaction. (And having a laugh with her friends about it afterwards probably).

the child's parents sound neglectful.
why would you want to be coupled with such a person ?
he has neither mentioned it, nor addressed it.
perhaps not enough care for and interest in the child to notice or care.
i don't find any of that attractive.
nor does it bode well for the future.

Agree, @alexdgr8

I'd stay clear of the lot of them.

All three of my boys could use a knife, fork, and spoon correctly at age three, so did my grandsons. Why have the parents not taught the child? Maybe there is a disability who knows?

I think this needs tackling, but the issue is her parents (including your partner), not her. Issuing a statement like that could be absolutely disastrous to your relationship with her. You need to assert rules at your dinner table - no phones, cutlery used, etc but issued to everyone and not just directed at her.

As a step child, I was quite hurt at your words. You seem to really dislike this child and are completely blaming her for the parenting she has received. She is not ‘immature’, but has not had proper meal etiquette drilled into her. Don’t shame her for this, work on her father to correct it.

Also, as an educator, I feel despondent to hear your lack of knowledge of the effect of childhood effects of ACEs. Divorce is an ACE and many children will mimic younger ages when they have experienced trauma - divorce can come with significant trauma, but so can being thrust into a step-mum’s family and being looked down on and shamed.

So, I am voting YABU because your solution to this issue is to shame a 12 year old girl and leave her out of nice family experiences, rather than deal with the real issues: her father.

Why does cutlery have a right and a wrong way? Why is that so important to you?