V worried about DS12 after seeing what he’d written

[Linagentina]

First off I KNOW you shouldn’t read your kids diary and I most certainly did NOT go looking for it but it was there and we’ve been very worried about him. He’s become quiet, uncommunicative, snappy and lost his lust for life.

We know he’s quite thin but he does eat square meals and snacks and both of us were similar body shape at that age.

He has a phone and is on TikTok with controls in place. But it turns out that it’s the stuff that the controls don’t cover that is the issue.

Am just really shocked and worried. It turns out he’s become a devoted Christian (we have no faith) through watching TikTok Christian stuff. He has been trying to starve himself to please God. Wrote about this in his diary and addresses God directly. Please forgive me Lord, I slipped up and ate something.Reading the bible online.

Just had absolutely no idea this was going on and don’t know what to do. He will never forgive me if he thinks I read his diary though I’m actually glad I did else I’d have had no clue.

Please if you’re one of those posters feeling the urge to tell me I’m a shit mum for reading his diary or for not noticing any of this can you just contain yourself, I’m already feeling awful. Would be so grateful for practical advice though.

Can you bring up religion in a round about way? Maybe talk about Christmas more from the biblical angle, if it's not totally odd maybe suggest going to a 'fun' midnight service. See if he might open up a bit if he thinks you are not totally anti.

You're absolutely not a shit Mum and I doubt anyone on this thread would tell you otherwise.

First of all remove tiktok from his phone. Then download 'Family Link' onto his and your devices and you can block it from being downloaded again. Remove it and block it from any other device he has access too.

Do not, under any circumstance, tell him you've read his diary as you will want him to keep on writing down his feelings. Keep a close close close eye on his Google searches and internet access and model good eating (which you're doing).

I hope he tells you what's been going on but in the meantime protect him immediately from the outside influences.

What age is he? I have Family Link on my 12 year old sisters devices. It's a brilliant tracker as well as letting me control what she's watching.

You poor thing - those things must have been a real shock to read.

This is eating disorder territory. If he is eating square meals and snacking, how is he managing to starve himself - are there any signs that he may be purging?

Take your son to the GP and get a referral to ED services. EDs are dangerous and can get worse very quickly. He needs support. You don't need to tell him you've read his diary - you can say you are concerned about weight loss / low mood and have noticed he is eating less.

Good advice above about blocking TikTok and keeping a close eye on what he's looking at. I'd also give BEAT (the eating disorders charity) a call and see if they can offer you any advice.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/

I would (and did, with DD when she was this age) tell him I had seen it and blow the whole thing wide open.

Yes he will be angry but sorry at 12 you don’t get online privacy and no you may not starve yourself. GP for that side. I would allow the interest in Christianity but it would have to be through normal channels ie church, Sunday school etc

Could this be a mental health issue? It sounds like the beginning of an eating disorder & I know people who's poor mental health 'developed' alongside finding themselves in religion. I am not saying everyone who finds religion when older is mentally ill, but for some it is, and because they feel they are lacking something they seek it out in God. Which if is done in a healthy and appropriate way is fine but this seems extreme.

In addition to the excellent advice PPs have given above, I believe there is also quite a common mental health condition that centres around religion which often affects adolescents - I can't remember what it's called, but I have seen a few threads about it on here over the years.

If you know of a sensible local vicar / minister or parish priest (even though I know you say you're not religious yourself), it might be an idea to approach them and ask them to have a word?

Just block it and tell him you are keeping to the guidance.. Tbh I would speak to school... I found a note book when dd took an overdose.. She had spoken to school 4 months earlier... Still a shocker... Get support for you to support him op. Or ask GP to get him on cahms list. Can take months and months.. Least you will be on the books. Keep meal times light. Discuss religious festivals and traditional meals etc. what with Christmas coming up it won't be odd....

I feel for you and your son. Sending you a virtual hug.
Maybe you can start a conversation about how bad is social media for U13 and videos from the police that you have watched, etc and you have decided to follow that advice and will remove all social media from his devices.
Contact the safeguarding team at school for advice, maybe someone older is grooming him into it, and they will most definitely help you with the eating disorder.
Good luck

Talk to BEAT.

Download the family link.

Dont confess and do not encourage religion because 1) he is more likely to twig you've read his diary and 2) he may well be using religion as a justification of his eating disorder without realising it and you want to work with BEAT/GP to untangle that before you start his recovery journey. If you encourage it without talking to a professional first you may further entangle the two.

Hi, I am so sorry that this has happened. As a Christian, can I just say that this is absolutely not Biblical and sounds like it may be more of a cult than any traditional Christian branch such as Church of England, Baptist, Methodist etc. If you have any specific Christian questions, please send me a PM I would be happy to discuss it with you.

Thank you everyone. I’ve called the school to have a confidential chat and made an appointment for the GP to call me so I can speak with her before arranging for him to be seen. I’ve looked on TikTok at some of the stuff I think he’s looking at and it is awful. Creepy young teens telling you you’re Gods child and you need to fast to please him. I do remember a conversation about him being afraid of going to hell and us telling him that it wasn’t real butI think it may stem from that and his fear of hell and thinking that he needs to fast to be considered good? All pretty terrifying tbh and certainly not something we saw coming.

PLEASE do not tell him you've read his diary. Every other action, yes, absolutely, but don't tell him you've read his diary. It will likely cause a lasting feeling of shame, embarrassment and breach of privacy, and will probably make him feel unable to write down his feelings in future, for his whole life possibly, from the fear of someone finding and reading them. I've seen this happen to people in my life and it's horrible.

It's actually the one MASSIVE strength and positive in this situation, that he is writing so freely!! I implore you not to expose that and risk taking that outlet away from him.

Otherwise, I think the advice on this post has been great. I wish you loads of love and luck, OP.

Fasting is a part of a number of religions, but usually, after a fast comes a feast, so perhaps you could explore this concept together and the fact the fast is intended to make you appreciate and rejoice in the things God has provided when the feast time comes. There will be a lot of bible verse to support this. Good luck, this sounds like a difficult situation to navigate.

Psalm 78:24
“He rained down manna for the people to eat, he gave them the grain of heaven.”

Psalms 136:25
25 He gives food to every creature. His love endures forever.

Isaiah 1:19
19 If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land;

Isaiah 55:2b
“Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare.”

Ecclesiastes 9:7
7 Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.

Nehemiah 8:10 NABRE
“Go, eat rich foods and drink sweet drinks, and allot portions to those who had nothing prepared; for today is holy to our LORD. Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the LORD is your strength!”

OP do you think there's any possibility that he wanted you to read the diary? Was it left out very obviously or anything? Is it a new thing for him to keep a diary?

I ask because my brother deliberately left his "diary" (brand new habit to keep one) out for my parents in hopes they'd discover he was gay and start the conversation for him. Could your DS be asking for your help?

Wow, a lot of teenagers picking up religion today. I don't think I've ever seen it on MN before and here it is, twice in one day.

Oh dear OP.
Being Christian can be a wonderful and enhancing thing for a teenager. My C of E vicar friend is sat with me now, and she affirms that the church would NEVER encourage a child to fast to please God. We encourage both children and adults to please God through kindness, prayer, support, caring for yourself and others and generally living a decent life.
Has he been taken in by an extremist cult (most likely online) masquerading as Christians?
If Christianity is important to him, encourage him to go to a church which has a youth group. That would be a far healthier way of developing his faith. Poor lad.

Sure you know it already, but those apps need to go...

I've just looked on TT and searched for this sort of thing?

When did this actually become I thing in Christianity? I've never heard of this and I assume it is a cult thing happening?

Speak to school and the GP and go from there. I wouldn't admit to reading the diary at present.

Please let us know how you go and don't blame yourself over this. Sending love xx

How is he fasting if he eats 3 meals and snacks every day? Are you sure he is eating? Sure he is actually fasting or it’s a bit of a fantasy? He can’t do both.

I read my daughters diary once left open on her desk. Felt bad about it. Years later found out it had been left deliberately. Could this be his cry for help?

I wondered the same, hence asking if there are any signs of purging. EDs can be highly devious and manipulative - could he be hiding food at all and is he definitely eating what you think he is eating?

Are you sure this is coming from TikTok and not the beginning of aural hallucinations?

No I think it’s TikTok because the stuff he wrote in his diary aligns closely with the stuff I found. It sounded like he’s attempted to fast while we were on holiday but handnt managed it hence asking for forgiveness and has been trying at weekends from 2-next morning, he does say sometimes he doesn’t want dinner and we make it and encourage him to eat it later. The app needs to go for sure and we will keep a close eye, good advice about not admitting to reading his diary. I was tidying so I don’t think he meant for me to find it.

thanks everyone xx

It sounds like he’s being brainwashed and has an ED.

Is he being sick after eating?
What is his behaviour like around food?

You have to tread very carefully with ED and I think the gp is a good place to start.

As a PP said, I would talk about religion in a roundabout way.
I would use the excuse of Christmas and suggest that you all attend midnight mass and his he’d feel about that.

If he wants to be a Christian and practice the faith then this may be a great way to help him.
I don’t go to church but I know people who do and there is often a lot of support for young people.
He may be able to find some good role models.