V worried about DS12 after seeing what he’d written

[Linagentina]

First off I KNOW you shouldn’t read your kids diary and I most certainly did NOT go looking for it but it was there and we’ve been very worried about him. He’s become quiet, uncommunicative, snappy and lost his lust for life.

We know he’s quite thin but he does eat square meals and snacks and both of us were similar body shape at that age.

He has a phone and is on TikTok with controls in place. But it turns out that it’s the stuff that the controls don’t cover that is the issue.

Am just really shocked and worried. It turns out he’s become a devoted Christian (we have no faith) through watching TikTok Christian stuff. He has been trying to starve himself to please God. Wrote about this in his diary and addresses God directly. Please forgive me Lord, I slipped up and ate something.Reading the bible online.

Just had absolutely no idea this was going on and don’t know what to do. He will never forgive me if he thinks I read his diary though I’m actually glad I did else I’d have had no clue.

Please if you’re one of those posters feeling the urge to tell me I’m a shit mum for reading his diary or for not noticing any of this can you just contain yourself, I’m already feeling awful. Would be so grateful for practical advice though.

firstly, it's not a bad thing that he is interested in faith. I would actually encourage him and take him to church so he can talk to a pastor so he learns about real Christianity from an actual Christian rather than being misled by social media.

but if he feels he can't trust you I.e. you read his diary, he will shut you off. I feel like involving the gp may be too heavy handed because the fasting is a symptom of the problem (he is being misled) rather than the problem itself. do you have any religious relatives? maybe they can speak to him?

I have no particular experience of this but I wonder whether DS may see attempts to
introduce him to other churches etc. as
trying to lead him down the “wrong” path if he has been so sucked in by this particular type. Perhaps the non-religious mental health route would be better.
I hope he finds peace and contentment.

What’s been happening at dinner time when your serving up?

I think I'd be finding a church youth group for him to join. My church has a fantastic youth leader who can guide youngster as they explore faith and come together as a community to share meals together. Bonding through sharing food is at the core of Christianity, not self punishment through deprivation.

If you can steer the conversation on to his interest in Christianity without mentioning you've seen his diary, you should try and encourage him to go to a church and have a chat with the vicar there who will surely let him know that this horrible tiktok scam is nothing to do with Christianity at all.

I'm an atheist myself, but if my child was going showing signs of religious indoctrination in a bad way (or a good way for that matter,) I'd take him to the nearest church and show him that most religions are about community and kindness and that nobody would ever want him to harm himself.

I do hope this all sorts itself out quickly OP.

does say sometimes he doesn’t want dinner and we make it and encourage him to eat it later.

First step needs to be family meals. Every night

what is his extracurricular life like? Clubs? Sports? Hobbies? Friends?

the responses are very different though... note no one is using this as an opportunity to bash Christianity (nor should they) or suggest that the lad be referred to prevent....

Where was his diary?

what made you look for it?

is it possible he left it out to be found?

I still don’t understand WHY parents are giving their preteens and recent teens access to social
media sites. LIKE WHY??? The studies, the evidence… it’s all there. It’s damaging to them!

This strikes me as little to do with religion and everything to do with OCD. It seems as though he's having intrusive thoughts about what will happen to him if he eats.

I preface this with the fact that I'm no expert, but his thought processes seem almost identical to my friend's when his OCD is particularly bad and he requires MH support. But he's a grown adult, and the risk to your son is, I suspect, much worse.

@Linagentina could u maybe have a discussion saying u are worried about him and for that reason wish to check his phone. That way u could see what he’s been watching (I know you already know) and open the opportunity to discuss what he is watching and how he feels about it. Then say it’s not appropriate for him to watch and remove tiktok. Maybe gives u an in without owning up to reading his diary? You have made great moves so far with school and go to start helping him so don’t feel bad.

Then start your own thread

I think the problem for the OP is that Christian faith is not a part of her life and it will be very hard for her to judge whether the church she might introduce him to is right for him or not - they are all very different in their approaches to so many things.

I suspect that there is some underlying problem for this young man that has been brought to the fore by this particular website, but that it could just as easily have been something else online that threw it all into focus. It just happens that he found this one. I do not think it need necessarily be a religious/faith problem and it might make things worse to focus exclusively on that.

How very worrying.
I'm not an expert but I do have a teen with OCD with intrusive thoughts and this sounds very similar. There is a version of OCD that centres on religious and often taboo areas.
If this is a manifestation of OCD, it's unlikely that reassurance from a vicar or similar would deal with the underlying anxiety that's driving this. I would talk to your son and try and have a discussion around is anything worrying him as he doesn't seem his usual self?
These kind of behaviours need the person to be willing to address them (with an appropriate professional) in order for them to be dealt with.
My DD had no idea that her thoughts were both normal (some of these thoughts are very common) but the way she was responding to them was not. It's very scary to have intrusive thoughts OCD and difficult to talk about it.

Nothing to add to the above advice but just wanted to send a hug and say you are NOT a bad mum! Anyone else would’ve done the same. X

I’m Catholic and I'm also not aware of any Christian denomination that requires children to fast to please God.

However Muslim denomination do fasting on specific holidays (some children also do this but it’s not a required) for me I’d be worried about radicalisation and the Christian denomination is being used as a hidden radicalisation.

OP I totally understand why you did it but I personally wouldn’t tell him you’ve read his diary. I overheard my mum discussing the contents of my teenaged diary with her friends once and laughing about it and I am not sure I’ve ever really deep down forgiven her for it. It caused a huge rift between us. All the other advice is great from PPs, I second BEAT and family link, good luck with it

It really isn't helpful to the OP for people to respond here purely to defend their own faith.

This really isn't a faith issue, it's a psychiatric one which has found focus in a tiktok cult.

@Linagentina I hope the GP will respond quickly and appropriately. What you have here is likely to be OCD related but with the added physical danger of malnutrition. Your boy needs to be fast tracked, so I hope that CAMHs steps up for him.

Thanks everyone. I went back and read a bit more and I feel sick with worry. Stuff about being afraid of spending eternity in the lake of fire and stopping himself from watching certain tv programmes (teen stuff) as he doesn’t want to give in to the sin of lust and temptation. Referring to certain music as ‘devil stuff’. Also the diary ends in Sept and he wrote that he was going to keep a diary on his phone instead so it’s extra private.

I think the problem you’ve got at this point is that you can’t take much of the advice offered without him knowing you read the diary. You wouldn’t know about fasting or the religion otherwise. I think take some time to monitor him. Is he actually eating? Has he lost weight? Is there any other strange behaviour? In the meantime to speak to GP and try and get him off the app by any means

I was referring to the Tik Tok aspect. I would say I have seen your online activity, and you have not been eating, we need to talk all of this over right now.

But I don’t agree with you anyway. In the usual course of events yes, expect privacy. Starving oneself and leaving the diary out and easily discovered.. this is verging into cry for help territory imo.

Agreed. I am a Christian- member of a recognised denomination, and this is wholly unrecognisable to me. We have coffee and cake at our services. This is some kind of weird cult and he needs to be removed from it asap.

I have no sdvice other than to say dont listen to anyone who comes on here slating you for reading his diary when you know he's not been himself. They're shit and neglectful parents.

Hope you get his eating sorted out.

Watch the Tiktok effect on BBC iplayer. It talks about how tiktok is different to other social media in terms of it affecting behaviour through social contagion.

Its an eye opener.

I have seen your online activity, and you have not been eating, we need to talk all of this over right now

This is a good way to approach it without saying you've read his diary. Do you have any parental controls on his phone or so you check it? If you do it's entirely believable that you've checked his history and have an idea of what he's looking at.