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AIBU?

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Original poster

V worried about DS12 after seeing what he’d written

131 replies

Linagentina · 08/11/2023 13:58

First off I KNOW you shouldn’t read your kids diary and I most certainly did NOT go looking for it but it was there and we’ve been very worried about him. He’s become quiet, uncommunicative, snappy and lost his lust for life.

We know he’s quite thin but he does eat square meals and snacks and both of us were similar body shape at that age.

He has a phone and is on TikTok with controls in place. But it turns out that it’s the stuff that the controls don’t cover that is the issue.

Am just really shocked and worried. It turns out he’s become a devoted Christian (we have no faith) through watching TikTok Christian stuff. He has been trying to starve himself to please God. Wrote about this in his diary and addresses God directly. Please forgive me Lord, I slipped up and ate something.Reading the bible online.

Just had absolutely no idea this was going on and don’t know what to do. He will never forgive me if he thinks I read his diary though I’m actually glad I did else I’d have had no clue.

Please if you’re one of those posters feeling the urge to tell me I’m a shit mum for reading his diary or for not noticing any of this can you just contain yourself, I’m already feeling awful. Would be so grateful for practical advice though.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 08/11/2023 17:48

Blocking tik tok wont help im afraid.
Its in his head now.
Best thing you can do is talk to local Christian group (an elder) explain situation in confidence, then take him along. The elder should have a talk to him about fundamentals Christianity..which can cover if they're smart this under eating, eating issue

Completelywornout · 08/11/2023 17:59

Do not feel bad about reading your child’s diary. I do and will continue to keep reading my daughters. She has a history of self harm and he’s sever anger issues so I find it helps to keep an eye on it to look for any signs that she’s slipping. It’s usually just a list of things she wants to do or how she wants her life to look like when she’s older.
if it were me I’d have a chat with him, tell him that you weren’t snooping but you found his diary and that you’ve seen something in it that concerns you. If he’s just fasting then I don’t think that’s an issue, a lot of religions use fasting as a way of worship. And fasting can also be beneficial if done correctly. Tell him that although you’re not religious yourself, you’d love to explore religion with him and that there’s hundreds of religions out there that he can research.
I suffer with psychosis, and I know when I’m having an episode, I become really religious. You don’t just write stuff down, you talk about it obsessively and truly believe what you’re saying is correct. I wouldn’t worry too much that your son is going through something like this unless there are other signs.
the best thing to do imo is to have a discussion and find out what he actually believes from the videos he’s seen. And then you can find information online that disproves it. Speak to someone from the church and go along with him. I’ve never read the bible so have no idea what is written in it, but a lot of things can be misconstrued. It doesn’t sound like Christianity is what he’s been worshipping though. Sounds more like a cult

Cheesecakefiend · 08/11/2023 18:03

Oh good God please don’t take your DS to a church elder OP. He needs professional help from a doctor , definitely not a priest.

ManateeFair · 08/11/2023 18:09

The religious element is, I think, perhaps a red herring here. I think it's more likely that the eating disorder (or the beginnings of one) is at the root of this, and the religious aspect is just his way of placing a structure on to it. Restrictive eating disorders are often about sticking to rules and goals, and I've noticed that ED sufferers often look for an external structure to try and legitimise their own obsessions around food. For some people, it's making a pact with another eating disorder sufferer (such as you sometimes see in 'pro-ana' eating disorder forums) and apologising to them for eating and 'letting them down'. Or for some people they might justify restricted eating by telling themselves that they shouldn't be eating anything 'toxic' or 'processed' and that they are poisoning their bodies if they eat anything other than a very small range of 'natural' or 'raw' foods. Or they will tell themselves that they have to fast in order to meditate effectively or something. It's all basically bollocks, but in their head, it's justifying their eating disorder so they don't have to face up to the fact that they have a mental health problem. So I'm wondering if, in your son's case, he was having anxieties around eating and latched on to religion as a way of legitimising his eating disorder, rather than becoming interested in religion and latching on to fasting as a way of expressing it. But who knows? Maybe it was more of a perfect storm where both things coincided. But I think looking at the ED first and then exploring the religious element as an aside might be the best approach.

Bobsyouraunty · 08/11/2023 18:26

Your poor son! Please speak to beat!!

also please let him know fasting doesn’t make God love him. God already loves him as he is!

unfortunately not all Christian tik tok content is good or right. Some very strange things on there. If he’s growing in his faith, please let him know that the bible doesn’t say anything about God getting angry at people who fast/don’t fast or break a fast early. God loves your son for who he is not what he does.

sending you all so so much love

Minniem2020 · 08/11/2023 18:37

Your poor son, and poor you, you must be so worried.
I'm certainly no expert but it does sound more like a mental health issue than a religious one.
Do you have the means to pay for someone private that your son could see? In my experience the wait for camhs is long and it sounds like your son needs help as soon as possible before this escalates into a full blown eating disorder.

Original poster
Linagentina · 08/11/2023 19:28

Yes we could pay. Just so worried and feel quite traumatised, to see his 11 year old handwriting which looks so innocent until you read what he’s written about hell and damnation and sin, I feel physically sick.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 08/11/2023 19:45

Lavenderflower · 08/11/2023 17:44

Is there any possibility he may be following a religious fast, bearing in mind fasting doesn't necessarily mean not eating, it just be refraining from certain foods for a periods such as in lent.

There is no Christian fasting period taking place now. In lent there will be an encouragement to eat more simply eg soup and sandwiches for Sunday lunch rather than a roast dinner.

Beamur · 08/11/2023 19:53

Linagentina · 08/11/2023 19:28

Yes we could pay. Just so worried and feel quite traumatised, to see his 11 year old handwriting which looks so innocent until you read what he’s written about hell and damnation and sin, I feel physically sick.

Take a couple of days to think this through and do a little research. It will be better for you to approach your DS when you're feeling calmer and more collected. Most of all, make sure he knows you love him and don't judge him - he's obviously trying terribly hard to conform to something for validation. Good luck. I know when I realised DD was properly struggling I felt awful, really upset, very guilty but we're a good few years away from that initial revelation and whilst DD still has issues to deal with, she's in a good place and we have a great relationship.

Cheesecakefiend · 08/11/2023 19:58

Linagentina · 08/11/2023 19:28

Yes we could pay. Just so worried and feel quite traumatised, to see his 11 year old handwriting which looks so innocent until you read what he’s written about hell and damnation and sin, I feel physically sick.

Finding religion is actually quite common when people are suffering severe mental health issues. Seek professional help as soon as you can. A lot of private psychiatrists have waiting lists at the moment so make a list and start phoning around tomorrow. You will have support soon and you will be able to start helping him. You’re not alone in this.

OCDmama · 08/11/2023 21:07

Oh poor boy, what awful ideas to have going around in your head.

Can you make it seem like you found the tiktok videos on his phone as opposed to read his diary?

I think you do need to bring up the religious devotion, but have a strategy first. Maybe the school has a way of approaching this? You don't want to accidentally push him away.

As an aside, look up symptoms of OCD. Religious fervour and preoccupation with sin, doing the wrong thing is a bit of a classic. OCD is a horrible disease, and takes on average a decade to diagnose. Looking back I definitely see I developed it as a pre-teen. Has your son always been a bit prone to anxiety?

Secondhalf · 08/11/2023 21:19

Yes, to me it sounds like religious OCD is a possibility here. A family member (child) struggles a lot with this.

Differencesclear · 09/11/2023 06:15

Op why are you ignoring very simple question

what made you read the diary? Was it because you already had concerns?

and was the diary hidden or out on display? If the latter - It would be that he wanted you to find the diary

Differencesclear · 09/11/2023 06:16

Also you’ve been asked multiple times about whether he has hobbies, sports, clubs, friends.

ittakes2 · 09/11/2023 06:26

OCD can be triggered with puberty - I think he is having intrusive thoughts and might have OCD. Its very common for religion to be part of someone's OCD rules. He is feeling anxious and trying to find a way to protect himself or his loves ones or both. When you speak to your GP please ask them about this.

ittakes2 · 09/11/2023 06:28

OCD is a neurodiversity - it is very very common for neurodiverse teens to use control of eating as way to respond to their anxiety about all the changes happening in their life ie at least their control of their eating means they feel in control of something.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 09/11/2023 06:35

Id take him to a priest. If he discusses it with some official person in The Church he might realise TikTok is nonsense. Fasting in the Catholic Church is two small meals (that dont add up to one normal meal) and a standard meal. I joke every lent that this is more than i usually eat.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 09/11/2023 06:36

And also obviously he needs a doctor and therapy as this is a mental health condition.

Original poster
Linagentina · 09/11/2023 06:42

Differenceescher please take your passive aggression somewhere else. I’ve had lots of amazing support and help on this thread and may not have answered everyone’s questions as my heads in a pretty dark place right now unsurprisingly. This isn’t a Mumsnet interview where I’m obliged to answer every post though I have done my best.

I think it’s pretty clear from what people have said and what I’ve read in subsequent research that this could be OCD and we are going to get him help for it so he can find ways of managing it. Will see the GP and go private if we have to.

Off to work now but thank you so much to everyone who has been so lovely and kind and insightful, I can’t tell you how much it’s helped xx

OP posts:
Differencesclear · 09/11/2023 07:13

Op wtf?

I have asked whether you had concerns beforehand

and whether you think he may have left it out for you to find as a call out for help

and you… we’ll have reacted a little bizarrely

Secondhalf · 09/11/2023 07:42

ittakes2 · 09/11/2023 06:28

OCD is a neurodiversity - it is very very common for neurodiverse teens to use control of eating as way to respond to their anxiety about all the changes happening in their life ie at least their control of their eating means they feel in control of something.

Is it?
I thought it was a mental health problem. Neurodiverse people are at higher risk.
There's a lot of different types of OCD. Most don't centre around eating.
It sounds like the fasting here (compulsion?) may be secondary to religious obsessions.

That is if it is OCD.
He needs professional help OP.

wp65 · 09/11/2023 07:56

LeCreusetLove · 08/11/2023 14:58

I don’t comment on threads much but felt compelled to having read your post @Linagentina - I am a child psychiatrist and find this incredibly concerning, you have done the right thing by making a GP appointment. This is a child I would want to see in my clinic urgently - I would ask the GP to call your local CAMHS and ask to speak with the duty psychiatrist ASAP rather than refer in normally.

Please feel free to PM me. Wishing you all the best x

This is the post to focus on, OP.

Lochness1975 · 09/11/2023 07:58

OP this has obviously come as a complete shock. I can’t imagine the worry it’s causing. Hope your ds gets the help and support he needs soon.

OCDmama · 09/11/2023 08:10

Good luck OP.

It might take him awhile to open up - my OCD told me if I told anyone the thoughts I was having then I would make that thing happen (i.e., my sister fall down the stairs). OCD can be very clever sometimes.

I'm so sorry for your little boy, I hope he gets better soon, xx.