Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 11:24

blackfluffycat · 08/11/2023 11:19

Is he on less money than he was before? If yes how was he going to support himself? If not where is the money going?

I know I sound old fashioned but I hate it when women move men in. Your child's home should be their safe space comfortable space. The only thing I can think uk compare it too is having a neighbour / colleague moving in with you? I just hate the thought of it. Plus now they have to live with another child every weekend. I had to do this but I was older. I know people split and find new partners but I don't know why they have to move them in and disrupt their kids lives.

Totally agree.

The kids should be the priority till age 18, not mum's sex life.

viques · 08/11/2023 11:25

Do you really think this huge money spinning client is going to appear and solve all his financial woes , give him enough money to pay you back for six months of free board and lodging, leave enough over to help to pay for Christmas and all other expenses going into the new year OP?

Because I don’t. I think this client is possibly a Unicorn, has extraordinary magical powers, but unfortunately is completely made up.

Angelsrose · 08/11/2023 11:25

Op, I think you know he needs to go. If he was living alone, that big cheque would have arrived months ago. Sadly he's using you and you're getting nothing in return. I wish you well in the future. We all get duped from time to time.

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 11:25

Blanca87 · 08/11/2023 11:23

It just feels like the world is full of cocklodgers at the minute and so many women are falling over themselves to enable their behaviour. I genuinely don’t understand how this has come to be? However every week some poor woman writes this kind of thread .

Abysmally low standards.

TerfTalking · 08/11/2023 11:26

I don't get how someone who supports two children and has a significant personal asset would discuss letting a partner move in without sitting down and discussing:

A) this is how much things cost here
B) this is what I expect you to contribute if you move in
C) this is what I expect you to contribute in domestic chores
D) Here are my bank details, I need you to set up a standing order before you move in

Not on board? oh ok, no worries, stay where you are then.

blackfluffycat · 08/11/2023 11:27

Lots of mistakes in my post 😬

AutumnFroglets · 08/11/2023 11:27

You have posted about him before and every single post said kick him out. Why is he still there?

Be a grown up and tell him to go. Today.

BrimfulOfMash · 08/11/2023 11:28

In effect you are paying for sex and the illusion of love.

And your kids are watching you do all the cooking for someone else’s children, and cleaning for him, and so on. And so are his kids. They will come to see you the same way he does.

Not healthy for any of you.

Mari9999 · 08/11/2023 11:28

@Bumblebeee33
This living arrangement isn't working to your satisfaction , that is reason enough to end the arrangement. That alone should not necessarily signal an end to the relationship, but it does not sound as though the 2 of you have the type of communications that would allow you to change living arrangements once again and yet stay together.

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 11:28

NotLactoseFree · 08/11/2023 11:15

The "but you were doing all these things anyway/spending all this money anyway, so me being here makes no difference to you" argument is very very easily countered with this:

"When a couple move in together, why should only ONE person's life become easier, cheaper and more convenient?"

I am sooooooo tired of seeing women on here with men like your cocklodger who have been fed this same argument.

Yep.

And then the next thing you know, the women choose to become pregnant with "one of our own." And then stand around dumbfounded when useless cocklodger turns out to be a shit parent.

Eddielizzard · 08/11/2023 11:29

Poor him. He's going to have to find himself a home and will come back to a cold, lifeless flat to sit and ponder his sneery, entitled attitude.

pinkyredrose · 08/11/2023 11:30

Get rid of him.

Dillane · 08/11/2023 11:33

BodenCardiganNot · 08/11/2023 10:34

You should just move the fucking leech right back out again.
Imagine being your child and having this foisted on you.

This

Stop being a doormat OP and kick him out.

Twiglets1 · 08/11/2023 11:33

He sounds really unpleasant. About time he contributed to the household expenses in a more formal way not just when he feels like paying for a few groceries.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2023 11:33

Where was he living before? Tell him to move back there.

Seriously, when did so many women turn into doormats?

PLEASE, when you 'think' it's wrong, it IS wrong. Don't put up with it

anythinginapinch · 08/11/2023 11:34

Just stop it. No way could anyone actually think "oh, am I being unreasonable" in these circumstances. Where's the nuance? The potential for doubt? The balance of give and take about which you're asking for insights?

OP you're a mug.

Over40Overdating · 08/11/2023 11:34

Did the clients disappear or did he dump them? Incredible timing really - why should he work to pay his way when he can coast with you footing the bill.

The sneering, in yours and your childrens’ house, should be the absolute end.

Once contempt kicks in, the relationship is fucked. The question is do you ask him to leave now or kick him out when he’s rinsed you of even more. This is nothing more than a relationship of convenience to him - he paid his way before as an investment in his long term cock lodger future.

Give your children a better life than this.

scribbles82 · 08/11/2023 11:34

I am so angry for you reading this post!!!! Please get rid of this awful waste of space and PLEASE think about the damaging impact on your kids. He is a TERRIBLE role model.

If you ever decide to move in with someone again please agree your finances and boundaries well in advance.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2023 11:34

Twiglets1 · 08/11/2023 11:33

He sounds really unpleasant. About time he contributed to the household expenses in a more formal way not just when he feels like paying for a few groceries.

About time he moved back out

SuperSange · 08/11/2023 11:35

Sneering at you, in the house that you pay for? He can fuck right off. Can't believe you've even got to ask the question.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/11/2023 11:36

BodenCardiganNot · 08/11/2023 10:34

You should just move the fucking leech right back out again.
Imagine being your child and having this foisted on you.

This.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

He is sponging off you and you are allowing him to. Worse - you are teaching your child that it is ok to let people treat you this way.

Tell him to leave - now. Before he gets a right to a share of YOUR assets. While he is out, pack up his stuff and change the locks - seriously.

Don't let him talk you into letting him stay. Don't accept a sudden offer of money/ contributions etc - just get him out. This will get worse, not better.

QueenBitch666 · 08/11/2023 11:36

Cocklodger

Comtesse · 08/11/2023 11:37

What a wasteman. Sneering? Get the hell out.

Over40Overdating · 08/11/2023 11:38

I really wish MN had a pop up so that every time a woman posted about moving a man into her children’s home, it would link to threads like this before going live.

It would save a lot of time and save those of us who have been there and done that either as kids or adults or both from being called bitter and joyless and the shouts of how mums have a right to a sex life so why don’t we stop being so negative when mums prioritise men over kids.

Orangello · 08/11/2023 11:41

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t.

Just this comment is enough to kick the entitled cocklodger out

Swipe left for the next trending thread