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Original poster

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
FerretFarago · 09/12/2023 16:34

Come on OP, Freddy the Freeloader needs to move on out!

fussychica · 09/12/2023 16:35

Book a locksmith now. Pack up his stuff. Don't respond to any pleas, change of heart, sorry crap. He's walked out of his own accord which was helpful. Now don't let him back in to your house or your life or you'll regret it.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 16:36

I would bag up everything he owns and put it on the doorstep, OP. Seriously, I wouldn't let him spend another night there. He must have saved a fortune so he can afford a B&B or a hotel now.

wildwestpioneer · 09/12/2023 16:36

He's such a cheeky fucker!

Dweetfidilove · 09/12/2023 16:37

Well he’s a special one 😢.

I've seen cocklodger stories here, but he is the most shameless of them all.

I hope you manage to get rid, because he has you right where he wants you right now.

You have enough shit to deal with, without also having to mother this grown man.

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 16:47

I just can't believe any woman who cared for her children at all would allow herself and her home to be used like this and treated like dirt.

He's a nasty piece of work and you have him around your children.

You own your home and you are putting it at risk having such utter scum in it.

He is just the type to make a claim.
Really unbelievable.

You all deserve better, your children certainly do.

wizzywig · 09/12/2023 16:51

I note he wasn't that angry that he has said that he is finishing the relationship

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 16:56

wizzywig · 09/12/2023 16:51

I note he wasn't that angry that he has said that he is finishing the relationship

Of course he didn't.

Men like him like to hang on to women they can use and live off and who put any man ahead of their children, even ready to risk their home for them.

He's utter scum.

Iamhappy10QLord · 09/12/2023 17:42

WeightWhat · 09/12/2023 15:09

OP, be kind to yourself. You don’t need to do kick him out today, despite what Mumsnet tells you.

But this guy is not supporting you or your family. Please don’t take it upon yourself to support him and his.

He needs to leave at a time that suits you. Keep reminding yourself that you are in control and can choose when he goes. Also, remind yourself that talk means nothing. This is all about behaviour, so don’t waste hours trying to set out your point of view. Spend that time with your DC instead.

If he comes back in, it may be harder to get rid. And also he may get funny just to prove a point.

Better just don't let him back in through the door.

Op also needs her space to think. Doesn't need him stomping around passing comments or causing arguments or bringing an atmosphere.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2023 17:47

You don’t need to understand it because he isn’t being rational. He’s doing everything he can to destabilise you so that you continue to supply him with his cushy life.

Newestname002 · 09/12/2023 17:48

@Bumblebeee33

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month.

OP - "a few hundred a month" is a LOT!! This is money you could save for yourself and your children for any future emergencies or to give yourself more options in the future. Not to squander it on some loser who's moved into your mortgage-free home and shows no respect to you at all. It's not a loving relationship with you he wants, but a loving relationship with your wallet and you taking care of all his needs for free.

Wake up please - stop making excuses for him or yourself (trying to understand him, hoping for better behaviour in the future) because he'll only drag you down and take your energy and focus from your children.

Pack his stuff, leave it covered in black bin liners to protect it from the rain, and tell him to come and collect his stuff ASAP. Where he goes is of no concern to you - he's a bludger and can go and stay elsewhere. Lock your door and leave the key in the lock so he can't get in, but arrange for a locksmith to come ASAP to change your regular lock and add a new security (eg Chubb) lock ASAP. It will be worth the money to get rid of him. Don't give him another chance - you nor your children need him anywhere near you. Time to throw out the rubbish. 🌹

Raspberrymoon49 · 09/12/2023 17:49

Cocklodger, pure and simple, no other explanation

Crumpleton · 09/12/2023 19:46

If he doesn't see a few hundred pounds a month as being much he won't mind handing it over then will he.

frenchfries111 · 09/12/2023 19:56

One of the major benefits of someone moving is sharing the bills. Who cares if he doesn’t cost you much more, why should he be making money out of this deal.

Change the locks. Give him a specific time he can come and get his stuff, preferably with someone there to support you. He won’t change.

GreekDogRescue · 09/12/2023 20:22

The fact that he’s so defensive shows he’s feeling guilty

HaveSomeIntrospect · 09/12/2023 20:31

You would be doing everything with or without him there. At least you would not have to put up with his cocklodging, good-for-nothing attitude!

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 21:06

GreekDogRescue · 09/12/2023 20:22

The fact that he’s so defensive shows he’s feeling guilty

Nah. It shows that he's an entitled cocklodger who thinks his magic penis entitles him to freeload.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2023 21:14

How long are you going to wait ?

there is just 2 words you need to say...

Bye bye.

Onestepbeyonnd · 09/12/2023 21:56

He sounds like a Covert narcissist, take take take but makes out he's the victim.

I can't tell you what you need to do, but I suspect you know already.
You have a duty to support your children, but in no way shape or form should you support him.
If you calculate your outgoings in the home then it should be split ... regardless of children. If he wants a partnership then that's the deal. That's what partners do

If not, then he needs to get his own place.

Personally, I'd tell him that the whole living situation isn't working for me & I need a break & he should move out ... maybe for a week or so, maybe more ..see how I feel.

There's no benefit to keep him, get rid

NearlyMonday · 09/12/2023 22:04

frenchfries111 · Today 19:56

One of the major benefits of someone moving is sharing the bills. Who cares if he doesn’t cost you much more, why should he be making money out of this deal.

This. Living together means sharing,surely?

Mumof3confused · 09/12/2023 22:09

What’s the benefit for you? Seems it’s all quite one sided.

Arabellamiller12 · 09/12/2023 23:22

I used to have an abusive boss who used to say 'attack is the best defence' , his reaction reminds me of that boss!

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 18:56

moonbeammagic · 09/12/2023 16:28

You know what you need to do. You just need to ask yourself, why you are so reluctant to do it. Honestly, threads like these make me sad.

Threads like this make me sad too. It makes me sad that someone can be going through other issues, and their partner doesn't GAS. Then, when they try to put forth their feelings, the nasty person works at turning it around onto them, working at making themselves the victim.

OP--I feel for you. I really do. I don't know what health and other issues you have been dealing with, and I am sorry that you are going through them. But, letting this non-man leech off you, treat you so poorly and not stand up as a man, is just adding to your issues. Playing ostrich and not facing that fact is doing you no favors. Dig deep into your soul, find the strength and fortitude you need and send this cocklodger off to raise himself. There is no man, so good in the sack, that he is worth what he is doing to your self-confidence, self-worth and emotional well-being. YOU deserve better and if you cannot realize that and act on that for yourself, remember this. Your CHILDREN deserve better and you are depriving them of a safe and happy life filled with people they can look up to and emulate as they grow into adults. Not sure what sex/ages your children are, but I doubt you want your son to act like this azzhat and treat a partner like this in the future, and I doubt you want your daughter to grow up and get with someone like him.

It's time for you to set you all free to seek happiness and fulfillment and not be ground down every, single day.

Feel free to tell him this, "You are totally right. I would be doing all of these things and paying all of these bills, no matter if you are here or not. Since you don't add any positivity to this life of mine or my children's, I pick you not being here as the best choice for me and my family. This is non-negotiable and my final answer." Then show him to the door, change the locks, block him from all social media.

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 19:02

Arabellamiller12 · 09/12/2023 23:22

I used to have an abusive boss who used to say 'attack is the best defence' , his reaction reminds me of that boss!

I was also always told, "The best defense is a good offense". That is exactly what this worthless scum-bucket did. He managed to turn it around and let himself off of any responsibility.

I just hope and pray that the OP has finally had enough of this and decides she has value that exceeds his dick length.

Nanaof1 · 13/12/2023 19:09

Crunchymum · 09/12/2023 14:58

You are clearly in denial as you are unable / unwilling to deal with this effectively.

Whats the point of every single poster repeating the same advice to you?

Personally, I am hoping she gets her head out of the sand and stops making excuses as to why the cocklodger is still there. I am hoping she finally realizes the harm she is doing to her children and herself by letting this financial abuse continue and takes action to remedy the situation.

Also, I am hoping the OP sees that she and her children have value, and it is wrong on every level to not work at keeping/raising that value and dealing with things like this azzhat who is trying to erase it.