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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Purpleavocado · 08/11/2023 10:42

I'd tell him to pack, he's shown you who he really is, why would you want someone like this in your life?

RenoDakota · 08/11/2023 10:43

Sorry, not sorry, but there are SO MANY gullible fools on here.

lap90 · 08/11/2023 10:43

He's got it really good.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 08/11/2023 10:44

Get him the fuck out of your house.

AgnesX · 08/11/2023 10:45

I'd give him the boot for his attitude. Sneering ....cheeky sod.

JaxiiTaxii · 08/11/2023 10:45

You're on MN posting about his twattishness after only 6m cohabiting.

Whether we think YABU/YANBU is irrelevant.

The question for YOU is do you fancy 20+ more years of the same shit?

fruitbrewhaha · 08/11/2023 10:46

Oh lord, what am I reading?

Read it back to yourself op. He does nothing and you are running around after him and his child. For what, an occasional bag of groceries.

Tell him to move out.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 08/11/2023 10:46

I hate to say it but he definitely saw you a mile off. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected in your own home. He's taking the piss big time.

Sanch1 · 08/11/2023 10:47

If someone else wrote this please tell me you'd tell them to kick him out? Yes? so do the same, he does not give a shit about you or respect you behaving like that.

saraclara · 08/11/2023 10:47

So had he not moved in, presumably he thinks he wouldn't have paid his own rent and bills during this period where not much is coming in ?

The bare faced cheek of him. You can make him pay, but you can't change the fact that this is who he is, and that this is the way he thinks. He will always be a taker, given the chance.

TeaTurtle · 08/11/2023 10:48

Horrible man. He has failed his probation. He needs to go ASAP

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 08/11/2023 10:49

I think he saw you coming. He chips in or he leaves, simple as that. Nobody is entitled to free board and lodging.

DottieMoon · 08/11/2023 10:49

Get rid of him.

As you said, before moving in he paid for his own place, bill, food etc. And suddenly he can't. It shows he has absolutely no respect for you at all. This relationship will go no where.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/11/2023 10:51

Wtaf? For real?

Why did you move in together? As in did he know there were lean times coming up and you thought you'd be kind and help him out, or has this bulls hit behaviour come out of the blue?

Either way he's a total cocklodger and needs to be gone.

PestilencialCrisis · 08/11/2023 10:51

Add up all the bills, food, petrol, TV subscriptions, MOT, cleaner etc. Divide by 2. Tell him you want that figure on the first if each month. You need to be more concrete and more direct about your requirements. Before moving in he said he would contribute towards outgoings. He has paid for some groceries. In his head he has contributed to the outgoings. In your head he hasn't. Set out the specifics of what you want and expect.

Paperbagsaremine · 08/11/2023 10:51

Is there a case for MN to include a "cocklodger complaints" board for the forums?

Not getting at you OP at all, it's just it's fair to say that there are a lot of posters in the same situation... This comes up VERY frequently!

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 08/11/2023 10:52

YABU, because you are self aware enough to know this is not right, aware enough to moan to a load on internet strangers about it, but you continue to just put yourself and your children through being treated like dog shit in your own home, and will probably do nothing about telling him to fuck the hell out of your house. So just moan away. Start back tracking and tell us all how he has lots of lovely qualities and your kids adore him and all the other scripted bullshit these weekly threads throw out. If you are lucky, he will find someone else to leech off and leave you, save you the effort of having to make a proactive decision that protects yourself and most importantly your children.

Megifer · 08/11/2023 10:53

Yep you've got yourself a cocklodger there op.

Get rid now it will only get worse.

Mouse82 · 08/11/2023 10:53

Start as you mean to finish. He would be out of my house quicker than flash.

frenchfries111 · 08/11/2023 10:54

He’s taking money away from your children and then you are paying for the care of his.
what is the point of him? Has he got a mummy he can move back in with, because that’s what he wants.
I’d tell him to pack his bags and get out. Got someone who can come round whilst you tell him.
He does not respect you.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 08/11/2023 10:54

billyt · 08/11/2023 10:35

You've got yourself a cocklodger.

He needs to either start paying his way, or move back out.

Exactly.

Frostine · 08/11/2023 10:54

On another thread after a comment someone asked the question " What is a cocklodger ? "

The answer is @Bumblebeee33 ' s boyfriend.

Get rid.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/11/2023 10:55

Get rid op. It's not even worth having a conversation with him about it if he doesn't realise for himself that he should be contributing.

My dp moved in with me and my two dc a couple of months ago and contributes financially, as well as paying for work I had to have done to accommodate him and his things.

What makes your 'dp' think he should get to live for free?

frenchfries111 · 08/11/2023 10:55

I wouldn’t give him the option to start paying. Too late.

Sartre · 08/11/2023 10:55

Why is he still living with you then? He contributes basically fuck all and you’ve only been together a couple of years anyway, just ditch him.