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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 08/11/2023 11:06

What I don’t understand is why you let him move in without having a conversation where you agreed what is a fair contribution? If you don’t have rent or a mortgage to pay and it’s your property I’d have started with a 50:50 split of all the bills including food - which would still leave him paying much less than renting and running his own place. £x on the first of every month - no room for conveniently misinterpreting what a ‘contribution’ might look like.
Kick him out - you’ll know not to make the same mistake again.

FartSock5000 · 08/11/2023 11:07

@Bumblebeee33 you have what is known as a "cocklodger".

The only wait to extract yourself from this parasite is to kick his ass out.

He should be showing gratitude for all that you do. Instead, he puts you down and makes you second guess yourself and your contribution.

This is not a man who respects you.

MandyFriend · 08/11/2023 11:08

He sounds like a self-entitled freeloader! He's doing his best to gaslight you into thinking you are being unfair and he is in the right!

Catscatscatscatscatscats · 08/11/2023 11:08

Pack up his stuff and leave it at the door. He won't change and he is a knob.

mogtheexcellent · 08/11/2023 11:09

No amount of sex is worth this amount of shit.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/11/2023 11:10

Good grief, he's the ultimate cocklodger. Get rid. He sneers at you? He's a wanker. Why are you putting up with this?

trulyunruly01 · 08/11/2023 11:11

Pack up your rubber duck
I'd like to wish you luck
PlayStation and Nintendo wii
I do not give a fuck.
You're moving out todaaaaay.

notacooldad · 08/11/2023 11:12

Add up all the bills, food, petrol, TV subscriptions, MOT, cleaner etc. Divide by 2. Tell him you want that figure on the first if each month. You need to be more concrete and more direct about your requirements. Before moving in he said he would contribute towards outgoings. He has paid for some groceries. In his head he has contributed to the outgoings. In your head he hasn't. Set out the specifics of what you want and expect.
To me, it's too late for that.
He sneered. That would be enough.
I may have been more gogigiving 39nyears ago but now I wouldn't put up with that shit.

PlasticineKing · 08/11/2023 11:13

Ick ick ick. Get rid.

InsectsMatter · 08/11/2023 11:13

You've got yourself a cocklodger.
Throw this one back OP.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 08/11/2023 11:14

Get this cocklodging leech out your life!!!

NotLactoseFree · 08/11/2023 11:15

The "but you were doing all these things anyway/spending all this money anyway, so me being here makes no difference to you" argument is very very easily countered with this:

"When a couple move in together, why should only ONE person's life become easier, cheaper and more convenient?"

I am sooooooo tired of seeing women on here with men like your cocklodger who have been fed this same argument.

BrimfulOfMash · 08/11/2023 11:15

Primarily, there is his attitude. You are now his housewife and drudge.

Secondly you should have had a businesslike conversation before he moved in. Agenda: 1. he splits Council Tax bill with you, as by moving in he disqualified you from single adult discount, and it is a shared overhead. 2. He pays a proportion of the energy bills because his presence increases usage. Showers, washing etc for him and kids. And a proportion of shared overhead. Maybe he pays 2/5ths? 3. Food: Food shopping to come from joint kitty. Again, maybe he pays into that 2/5ths. 4. He contributed to cost of cleaner, OR takes over a specific list of communal cleaning chores. 5. Days out: split or pay proportional costs 6. Would it help to establish a joint household account for shared costs only and you each pay an agreed amount into this monthly.

Do this NOW. If he doesn’t agree he is the epitome of a cock lodger.

I couldn’t live with someone who treated me like this. Tell him how it makes you feel, emotionally.

KissyMissy · 08/11/2023 11:15

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 10:56

Why are you forcing this cocklodger and his kid onto your children??

👏

greyhairnomore · 08/11/2023 11:16

Blimey , another one. Get him out.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/11/2023 11:16

Wow. Are you serious? He pays next to nothing - for himself OR HIS CHILD - and SNEERS at you about it and you're wondering whether to let it go on??

Please kick him back from whence he came and get your self-respect sorted.

BerriesNutsConkers · 08/11/2023 11:16

He is now showing you who he really is .................time to show him the door!

Erdinger · 08/11/2023 11:17

I honestly can’t believe you are asking if you AIBU. He’s a user. Get rid of him. He’s not contributing anything to your life.

C152 · 08/11/2023 11:17

Kick him out now. There's no other answer.

Pezdeoro41 · 08/11/2023 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Actually he’s treating her like his mother. Which indeed is a huge turnoff in the bedroom to women, yes 🤮

blackfluffycat · 08/11/2023 11:19

Is he on less money than he was before? If yes how was he going to support himself? If not where is the money going?

I know I sound old fashioned but I hate it when women move men in. Your child's home should be their safe space comfortable space. The only thing I can think uk compare it too is having a neighbour / colleague moving in with you? I just hate the thought of it. Plus now they have to live with another child every weekend. I had to do this but I was older. I know people split and find new partners but I don't know why they have to move them in and disrupt their kids lives.

Catza · 08/11/2023 11:20

It's a no from me... I live at my partner's house and contribute to food as well as half of the bills (not rent) and my share of household chores. With an extra person, our bills are obviously greater than they would be with just him living there. Yes, he would do his own cleaning and laundry if he lived by himself but he is not living by himself, we are a couple. I don't see any indication that you are a family unit. You just have a non-paying guest staying at your house. Even if he does offer to contribute, I don't think this relationship is going anywhere with this sort of attitude. I would ask him to move out by the end of fortnight.

Gillypie23 · 08/11/2023 11:22

No he's totally using you. Kick his arse out.

PositanoBay · 08/11/2023 11:22

Cocklodger bingo
You're doing it for yourself anyway ✔️
There's a big cheque coming ✔️
I don't eat a lot ✔️
I have a shower at the gym ✔️
Golden cock 🍆
I want to bond with the kids 👦
Honestly just throw him back in the sea

Blanca87 · 08/11/2023 11:23

It just feels like the world is full of cocklodgers at the minute and so many women are falling over themselves to enable their behaviour. I genuinely don’t understand how this has come to be? However every week some poor woman writes this kind of thread .

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