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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
fedupwithbeinghot · 08/11/2023 11:42

He's taking you for a fool. How much longer are you going to allow this?

Bonjovispjs · 08/11/2023 11:43

You are being very unreasonable to stay with this waste of space.

Drinkinggreentea · 08/11/2023 11:43

I feel angry for you to be honest. What a turn off. Bin him off. He's not even the kids' Dad!! It's honestly not even worth discussing with him, he knows full well what he's doing. He's just using you. The sneer says it all.

Seeingadistance · 08/11/2023 11:45

As soon as he sneered at you he should have felt your toe on his arse, kicking him out the door.

Get rid.

tabulaisrasa · 08/11/2023 11:45

GET HIM OUT.

That is all.

KievLoverTwo · 08/11/2023 11:46

Forget all the other shit he has or has not done. He SNEERS at you. How the actual fuck dare he? Nobody should be made to feel their complaints are worthy of sneers.

Please get rid. I would disagree with a pp about keeping him on the side as a fuck buddy. He will find a way back in.

Toddlerteaplease · 08/11/2023 11:47

BodenCardiganNot · 08/11/2023 10:34

You should just move the fucking leech right back out again.
Imagine being your child and having this foisted on you.

Exactly this!

GetBackIntoBed · 08/11/2023 11:47

YABU

Littlelucas · 08/11/2023 11:48

Does he have a golden cock op?

Coz I can’t think of any other reason you’d keep him around. And you can always buy yourself a vibrator and save some money!

Olika · 08/11/2023 11:49

So you have acquired another child. Tell him to move back out and actually end the whole relationship as you shouldn't be with a user like that.

Turfwars · 08/11/2023 11:51

Only thing to do with a cocklodger infestation is get rid.

Look, he might have had some shred of a defence of his inability to pull his weight in a partnership temporarily but the sneering? He should be doing all your chores knowing that you are bailing him out financially! Sneering at you shows contempt for you and there's really no way back from that. I wouldn't tolerate that six decades in let alone 6 months - get rid.

My husband has been on illness leave for the last year. For the last 18 he's brought in 65% of our family income plus we live in his house that he owns without a mortgage. He's feeling utterly shitty that he feels he's not pulling his weight and money is tight. But I come home to a spotless house, and all the laundry done and all the outdoor stuff also done and even with him managing all that despite it impacting his health.

CSB10 · 08/11/2023 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This
100%
This

verdantverdure · 08/11/2023 11:53

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t.

This would end it for me.

Obviously you're not being unreasonable to expect an adult to contribute financially and with their labour to the home they live in.

I wouldn't want this guy around my kids. He's horrible.

Loubilou23 · 08/11/2023 11:54

He wouldn't have got past a few days in my house and the sneer alone would send his sorry arse into the stratosphere.

Surprised you even had to ask on here....but there you go, nowt as weird as folk.

viques · 08/11/2023 11:57

He sneered.

I don’t think he even deserves to be given notice. Pack up his shit and leave it by the front door. Make sure you change the locks.

letstrythatagain · 08/11/2023 11:59

Honestly, kindly, you need to respect yourself more. You don't want to set this example for your kids. Throw him out.

Seaweed42 · 08/11/2023 11:59

This moving in together has totally changed the dynamic between you.
People are not aware how much power houses and living arrangements affect the dynamics of a relationship.

He's a teenage boy who has found a Mummy to look after him and his child.

A part of him thinks he's back home with Mum.

You need to set up a joint account and he pays a set amount in each month or he needs to move back out.
You each need to pay the same percentage of your pay into that account.

So if he earns 25k then he pays 50% of that into the account.
Likewise if you earn 40k you pay 50% into that account. (or whatever but it needs to be a big chunk of both your incomes)

Then all household groceries, bills, children's clothes, etc all come out of that.

Have that difficult conversation, and have it TODAY.

LadyMary50 · 08/11/2023 12:00

It is possible to live a happy life without a man living with you.I don’t understand women who are financially independent and homeowners letting these awful cocklodgers take over their homes.Independence is a wonderful thing embrace it and kick this loser out.

anyolddinosaur · 08/11/2023 12:00

Give him a week to find somewhere else then his possessions go outside the door and the locks get changed. If it was the money I'd give him until after Christmas but sneering at you means out before then.

1990thatsme · 08/11/2023 12:01

A sneering cocklodger. How splendid!

And of course you nanny his DC too…it’s like they have a “Cocklodgers Playbook “

Tell him to fuck off. It’s not working out. Every penny you spend on this piss taker and his children is being taken from your own children. Hopefully that thought will give you the strength to tell him to pack up and go.

If you really can’t live without him you can suggest to him that you continue dating, but I think we all know how that conversation will end…

Sorry @Bumblebeee33 but you owe it to yourself and your children to get him out asap.

NovemberName · 08/11/2023 12:02

If this is real. Please wipe the MUG written on your forehead!!

What is wrong with you? Why can't you see how wrong this is??

You're spending money on this cock lodger instead of on your kids.

Don't ask him to contribute.

Chuck him out! TODAY!

Free sex, free food, free lodgings!

He's showing you who he really is. He doesn't love or respect you!!

VerrryNiceIndeed · 08/11/2023 12:02

Where is his respect for you? And himself? Living off a single parent, not contributing a penny and then saying you don’t do anything for him?

I don’t know how you can share a bed with him at night.

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 08/11/2023 12:06

DTMFA

NettleTea · 08/11/2023 12:06

there has to be some benefit for you as well as for him. So he has gone from paying 100% bills to zero bills, whereas the fair would be that he pays maybe 50% of what he used to pay towards your bills - that way he is saving and you are getting a contribution. Similarly he has gone from doing 100% housework to zero, and 100% paying for food for himself and his child, to zero.

I can certainly see the benefit for him, but where is the benefit for you, when it comes to help.

user1471538283 · 08/11/2023 12:07

Not another one!

I'd tell him you are glad he doesn't think you do anything for him because he won't miss it as he is leaving tonight!

The sneering is just his way of grinding you down. For you to accept this and that's that. No.

I doubt there is a big pay day coming. And even if there is he will not reimburse you. Because you have already paid for everything so that's in the past!

Your DC have to come first!

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