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Original poster

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
barbieofswanlake · 09/12/2023 11:32

@Bumblebeee33 how can you still not get it? Perhaps you are so weighed down by what you've recently been dealing with that you're too vulnerable to face this head on right now. But face it you must.

He has done you a huge favour in reacting this way. In opening up that conversation you wanted him to understand your reasonable concerns and give you assurances that he would change. But he wouldn't have changed. And in a year you'd be equally frustrated and upset but would have the added complication of him having becoming more of a fixture in your children's eyes

Now you can tell him to leave, because of his appalling behaviour towards you, and because you gave him this opportunity and the fool has used it to hang himself. He can use his bonus to stay at the travelodge until he finds somewhere to rent

Iamhappy10QLord · 09/12/2023 11:33

Travis1 · 09/12/2023 11:29

He’s stormed out? Good. Pack his bags and leave them at the door for him. Do not let him back in. You and your kids deserve better

Edited

This.

Sloth66 · 09/12/2023 11:33

Haven’t read the full thread. But sponger, cocklodger, take your pick. Hope he’s on the way out asap

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 09/12/2023 11:33

‘He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month.’

He’s not getting it, is he? It’s not about using a pencil to jot down every millilitre of water used and every grape eaten. It’s about him having some self-respect and not expecting you to fully fund virtually all of both of your living costs. It doesn’t matter if you were putting the heating on anyway. The fact is that he now lives there and you should start to feel a little of the benefit of having some shared finances. Instead, the only person benefitting is him. It’s so selfish of him I don’t know where to begin. Let him fund his own apartment - then he’ll realise how easy he had it, the ungrateful sod. His tantrum is a dumping offence too, imo. If he can’t talk about finances without petty little snarky comments he’s not mature enough to cohabit. Maybe he’d be better living with some silly students.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 11:37

Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:28

This is so true! I honestly can’t say what will be different in my life if he goes. I do it all anyway.

What will be different is that you'll have peace of mind, a cleaner home, and more disposable income!

He's stormed out to get you to shut up for fear of losing him, but he's no loss. I'd text him "Don't come back, your stuff will be on the porch tomorrow. You can pick it up then ".

Iamhappy10QLord · 09/12/2023 11:40

OP, you are dealing with a lot. I imagine you are mentally, physically and maybe emotionally exhausted with all you have on your plate.
If you can find it in you to give one last push and deal with this other issue. Do so.
Don't let him back.

Even if he comes back from his tantrum saying sorry, he needs to leave first..move out. If he is sorry, he can show that in deeds, show respect and build back that trust.

But i will say, you can do better. Just be done with him.

Olika · 09/12/2023 11:44

Pack his stuff and he can go somewhere else to live. This man drives me mad, he isn't building a solid life/future with you with that attitude. It's all transactional for him and he doesn't get how much everyday work there is to run a house and kids and overall life. He can go and be single so he can take care of himself alone.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 09/12/2023 11:47

Wow. Op this is amazing. He didnt try to hide the fact he was an arsehole wanker of a disrespectful cocklodger. He confirmed it. Amongst all the other things you will be feeling, find the relief. You werent wrong. He was using you and your children.

the rubbish took itself out.

Slowcookerseason · 09/12/2023 11:53

WOW - well his true colours REALLY have come out, haven't they?!
You've called him out on his cocklodging behaviour and he's basically turned it round onto you? What a real gem he is!
Dump him - he's saved you the expense of buying him a christmas present!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/12/2023 11:54

Imagine being an adult and thinking you shouldn't need to contribute to household bills. Can't get my head around that one. Op for your own sake please ask him to leave now. You can do better.

Duckeggbluebutton · 09/12/2023 11:56

billyt · 08/11/2023 10:35

You've got yourself a cocklodger.

He needs to either start paying his way, or move back out.

This

1990thatsme · 09/12/2023 12:03

Good. Text him saying he’s not welcome back, his stuff will be outside front door/in porch/wherever. Did he take keys?

EtiennePalmiere · 09/12/2023 12:12

Well done ! Now change the locks.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2023 12:15

@Bumblebeee33 get your locks changed and tell him it's over. Tell him you'll leave his stuff by the door. He's shown you who he really is, a nasty, selfish man. Do not let him stay in your home anymore. Vile man.

DianaTiana · 09/12/2023 12:22

For heavens sake- why would you even want to be in a relationship with this man?

Give yourself an early Christmas present. Pack his bags while he's out

JayniSummers · 09/12/2023 12:23

I'm not sure if you've said what sex your children are . But if you've a daughter she's learning that this is an acceptable way to be treated,and if you've a son you've taught him it's perfectly normal to treat women this way . They're watching.

gamerchick · 09/12/2023 12:26

He'll be expecting you to beg for forgiveness and not say anything again. You might get the silent treatment for a bit first. He will pull out all the stops to bring you back into line. Be ready.

Tell him to go swivel and to move out immediately,that his things are packed and waiting.

fulawitt · 09/12/2023 12:28

Pack all his stuff right now. He can continue to take care of himself by himself. He can start paying for heating and water and electricity and do make a spreadsheet.

Selenitetower · 09/12/2023 12:33

Get rid of him he sounds like an absolute loser. He’s absolutely taking advantage of you and if you’d be doing this all without him anyway go back to that life. You’ve lived a life without him and while it feels like 2 years is a lot to ‘throw away’ you don’t want to be 2 years deep into this kind of depressing life looking after a man child that refuses to contribute to his existence.

MeinKraft · 09/12/2023 12:37

Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:17

Hi everyone, sorry for the long absence here. Times have been really tough both health wise and life wise. I’ve been away and not dealt with the situation as I had so much else to deal with. Now I’ve finally come round to talking and this is what’s happened.

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month. Then sarcastically told me he ‘appreciated’ that.

He said he didn’t need me to pay his bills as he was perfectly capable of paying them on his own.

He tells me he has paid for so many things for me before over our relationship that I am a total cow for bringing this up and that all I am interested in is money. All I wanted was acknowledgement for what I do and an offer to contribute in some way to show that!

I had mentioned that I do a lot for him by running the household and looking after everything and he just says that I don’t do it for him as I would be doing this anyway if he were here or not…

Then he tells me I don’t support him in any way and he feels he does everything alone.

He storms out saying he will invoice me for everything he has spent on me over our relationship and I can do the same but he knows that he will have spent more on me.

I’m at a loss as to what I feel right now.

He makes out that I am being so unreasonable and unappreciative. I don’t get it.

I'll tell you what to do! Bag up all his shit while he's out and get the locks changed! He's gone! Goodbye cocklodger!

areyouhavinglaugh · 09/12/2023 12:42

Yes but if he wasn't there you'd be free to find a decent partner and not feeling utter resentment towards him!

Dump him quickly! Enjoy Christmas and have a lovely new year!

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2023 12:49

What an absolute shit you've got there.

Does he have literally any redeeming features? There must be a reason you haven't changed the locks yet.

binkie163 · 09/12/2023 13:01

Every pound he costs you, costs your children. It is money better spent on them. Himself and his child are his responsibility, not yours. You are his paycheck, he has no respect for you. Please put your children first, any arguments and bad atmosphere affects them. I grew up in a house of arguments, my mum was the sponger, my dad worked hard and was resentful and from age 6 I was aware of it.
Your children are being inconvenienced by this man in your house, it is very unfair.
Of course he thinks it is your fault, that is how abusers work. Read up on DARVO deny attack reverse victim..... You have an abuser in your house.

Duckswaddle · 09/12/2023 13:14

Ew, throw the fucker back out.

Prelapsarianhag · 09/12/2023 13:22

He's having a laugh. He is spending your kid's University fund.

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