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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
littlemissdelightful · 10/11/2023 14:56

saraclara · 08/11/2023 10:47

So had he not moved in, presumably he thinks he wouldn't have paid his own rent and bills during this period where not much is coming in ?

The bare faced cheek of him. You can make him pay, but you can't change the fact that this is who he is, and that this is the way he thinks. He will always be a taker, given the chance.

If he is genuinely facing final hardship, he would've been entitled to benefits to cover his rent.

However, now I'm wondering if he's always been a low wage & entitled to it.....

If OP is over the threshold and not in receipt I wonder if there's a possibility that he is, whilst at her home 🤨

Parky04 · 10/11/2023 15:11

He has landed on his feet! When can i move in? Seriously, get rid of him!

Mittleme · 10/11/2023 15:39

But how do you know there's a shift in behaviour . The OP said he has never helped with bills since he moved in .
he only said he would help before move in
looks like this is not a change in behaviour

DaisyValentine89 · 10/11/2023 18:27

Dear OP - You are in NO way being unreasonable....in fact, you are being far too reasonable. Most people will overstep boundaries unless you lay them out VERY clearly and they are made of steel. Sadly few men can be trusted to take initiative when it comes to deciding what the "right and gentlemanly " way to act would be. Your boyfriend, let's face it, is just there for you to pass the time with and not feel lonely.....but you deserve more, and better, and most of all, you deserve to be able to look in the mirror and respect yourself. In your heart of hearts, right now you know you are being used, and deep down, though he will never admit it, he knows VERY well he's using you too. He won't take initiative to do the right thing, so you must take the matter into your own hands, seperate, and ask him to leave. How much trouble you might have getting him to leave is a whole other concern - I can only hope you don't have as much trouble as I had getting my ex physically out of my home. It took so long I gave up and took him back several times, because it was easier than living like strangers for months. Short of calling the police, I could NOT get rid of him. Listen, you deserve to be LOVED, not to be thrown titbits because you are simply convenient and willing. Sorry to be harsh, harsh is reality, reality is good, reality saves a lot of regrets later on. Sending hugs and hope you have a smooth evacuation of the man. Xx

Slightlylostalongtheway · 10/11/2023 19:06

Wow! Just wow! He saw you coming, you are worth so much more

nanny72 · 10/11/2023 19:10

Well you said in your post "Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all."
So he obviously had no money worries then, do you think his genuinely got money problems now or using this for an excuse? This clearly needs to be discussed and sorted now, not easy to chuck him out if youve feelings for him but clearly things need to change. 😟

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/11/2023 19:32

nanny72 · 10/11/2023 19:10

Well you said in your post "Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all."
So he obviously had no money worries then, do you think his genuinely got money problems now or using this for an excuse? This clearly needs to be discussed and sorted now, not easy to chuck him out if youve feelings for him but clearly things need to change. 😟

Whether his money problems are genuine or not is only part of the scenario.

Treating OP as a bank, a housekeeper, and a provider of everything his greedy little cocklodging heart desires, coupled with sneering contempt and self-image damaging insults is (to me) the greater part.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/11/2023 20:54

nanny72 · 10/11/2023 19:10

Well you said in your post "Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all."
So he obviously had no money worries then, do you think his genuinely got money problems now or using this for an excuse? This clearly needs to be discussed and sorted now, not easy to chuck him out if youve feelings for him but clearly things need to change. 😟

He was speculating to accumulate.

'He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.'

The potential payoff was worth the expense up front, as he's now living rent and bill free with somebody to abuse financially and verbally to his heart's content - and free outsourced parenting of his child, to boot.

SammyLou3 · 10/11/2023 21:29

I think you are the big job that is going to pay off at the end of the year. Either put him on a lease agreement or move him out. You won't own that house outright if he goes you for half of your assets.

Pooooochi · 10/11/2023 21:39

There should literally be "LTB" vote button on mumsnet.

Or "cocklodger" would do.

Aimvs123 · 11/11/2023 00:38

I am sure that the only reason you are keeping him there is because he’s now part of the family and the children have got used to him etc . Which makes what he is doing a double betrayal as he’s taken on that responsibility and you’ve trusted him enough to blend your families which is not essy.

I also have two children and was with my partner for two years before he moved in, he has an older daughter who is at University. I pay all the household bills and the food shopping but he we share the mortgage payment, he pays for so many other things like towards cars, clothes for the kids even, dinners/fays out etc. We both do relatively ok financially but he would never ever do this to me. Money is a horrible topic and can be so tense but I’m sorry he has put you in such an awkward position

I agree no matter how hard it’s going to be he has to leave - it’s not about the money for me, it’s about the disrespect, the lack of understanding and the situation he’s put you in. Get rid , massive red flags here

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 11/11/2023 00:49

YABU for letting this happen. This is batshit.

Drop his bags at his friend, parents as soon as he leaves for work next . Block and delete

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 11/11/2023 00:49

SammyLou3 · 10/11/2023 21:29

I think you are the big job that is going to pay off at the end of the year. Either put him on a lease agreement or move him out. You won't own that house outright if he goes you for half of your assets.

Edited

This this this !!!!!

FireHorseStar · 11/11/2023 07:14

His next move will be to ask to be put on the deeds.
Prote yourself, your children and your assets, tell him to leave.

Sueveneers · 11/11/2023 07:40

How did the talk go, @Bumblebeee33 ?

Josell12345 · 11/11/2023 08:19

20yrs ago I was in this situation with 4 kids. Altho he did start to contribute in the last 6 months and he did do d.i.y ,once he went he took me to court for a share of our "family home" and got 25k out of 90k equity! I kid you not! So be very careful.

Pinky2121 · 11/11/2023 10:41

Think he is gaslighting you. Get rid now before he completely controls you. He must think all his birthdays have come at once, you do not need a man to define who you are.

pinkyredrose · 11/11/2023 13:18

Josell12345 · 11/11/2023 08:19

20yrs ago I was in this situation with 4 kids. Altho he did start to contribute in the last 6 months and he did do d.i.y ,once he went he took me to court for a share of our "family home" and got 25k out of 90k equity! I kid you not! So be very careful.

😲 Fucking Hell!

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2023 13:20

caringcarer · 09/11/2023 23:00

Move him back out. Tell him you preferred things the way they were.

... before you ever met him

SchoolQuestionnaire · 11/11/2023 13:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 10:35

Every. Single. Week.

Kick him the fuck out. Today. You’re taking money from your own children to pay towards an able bodied working adult and his child. Some “partner”.

This.

Get him out now. You can’t support a grown man and he should be ashamed to be taking from your children. He doesn’t want to be your partner he wants an easy life. He’s a disgrace.

alexdgr8 · 11/11/2023 13:40

the fact that you had never heard of a cocklodger is also telling.
perhaps if you had, you would not have fallen prey to it.
it is said that when the white man landed in australia the indigenous people were amazed that they had sailed across the world in dugout canoes.
the incomers tried to explain that no, they came in great tall sailing ships, and pointed to them at anchor out in the bay.
the locals could not see them as they had no concept of ship.
nothing wrong with their eyesight.
this makes sense to me.
now you've seen, met, cocklodger, you can reject.
upwards and onwards.

caringcarer · 11/11/2023 13:40

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2023 13:20

... before you ever met him

🤣🤣

BlueSapphireEyes · 11/11/2023 15:03

You are a walkover the proverbial Doormat!
Tell him to F**k Off NOW.

IncompleteSenten · 11/11/2023 16:03

@Bumblebeee33

Have you not come back to the thread because he talked you round and you feel embarrassed?

If so then don't worry. Nobody here knows you and it is human nature to want to believe sweet words and promises.

PickyCat · 11/11/2023 18:16

I'm not usually a prophet of doom, but I'm more worried that the OP had words and things turned nasty. I hope she's ok 😞