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Original poster

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/11/2023 18:18

Hope you're ok OP. Please don't pay attention to the nice things he may say to win you round. Look at what he does not what he says.

Mittleme · 11/11/2023 18:36

Unbelievable. how could the court let him ?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/11/2023 20:12

OP has let him talk her round but she will be posted another scenario in a few months time

VickyBlue · 11/11/2023 23:36

Do you think so?! She hasn’t been back to post. Maybe she tried to kick him out and things turned really nasty and she got hurt…or worse. Oh god!!! OMG.

VickyBlue · 11/11/2023 23:40

You said it girl. So many cowards out they’re

Mumto2kids86 · 12/11/2023 20:02

Congratulations on your 3rd child! Sounds like you have another dependent now!

Findinganewme · 12/11/2023 20:20

I am stunned that you are even asking the question. He’s living in your home for free, and even having his child over to stay and is ungrateful and ungracious. He seems selfish and very immature. He demonstrates teenage-like behaviour…you’ve taken on a freeloading teenager. From what I’m understanding, he seems like a bad influence on your children.

Ppzd · 12/11/2023 21:13

Massive red flag!!! He's not a partner to you, he's an entitled leech who seems to also stopped making effort in your relationship. Personally, I'd kick him out and say living together was a mistake and you were better before.

Boinger2 · 15/11/2023 11:36

It's unusual in that this situation is often reverse and the woman is not contributing , you seem a decent sort I'd say if the big cheque doesn't happen he's mugging you off , healthy relationships are financially balanced , I personally see a relationship like this , in two income households the monthly income should be combined into one amount the bills paid and then any disposable income is split equally regardless of who is earning the most , in say one partner working full time and the other part time the money is still split but the part time worker assumes the cleaning duties and or cooking food other chores to make up the deficit in paid work hours . That's how a relationship would work for me ideally

HaveSomeIntrospect · 16/11/2023 09:22

@Boinger2 what planet are you on?
I have only ever known or heard of a man that moves in with a woman and her kids and sponges off of her, not the other way around!

Onestepbeyonnd · 16/11/2023 13:06

Hi Op, I hope you come back to check at some point! I keep checking for an update.

hope you are okay & have got through this horrible situation you’ve unfortunately found yourself in. I really feel for you sweetheart

please come back and update us, just want to know you are safe & well.

EtiennePalmiere · 17/11/2023 16:52

Boinger2 · 15/11/2023 11:36

It's unusual in that this situation is often reverse and the woman is not contributing , you seem a decent sort I'd say if the big cheque doesn't happen he's mugging you off , healthy relationships are financially balanced , I personally see a relationship like this , in two income households the monthly income should be combined into one amount the bills paid and then any disposable income is split equally regardless of who is earning the most , in say one partner working full time and the other part time the money is still split but the part time worker assumes the cleaning duties and or cooking food other chores to make up the deficit in paid work hours . That's how a relationship would work for me ideally

Perhaps you got lost here on your way to Reddit ? Either way try reading the whole thread.

Krankin · 17/11/2023 16:54

Boyfriend would be moving right back out again in the morning and he can take the relationship with him.

Original poster
Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:17

Hi everyone, sorry for the long absence here. Times have been really tough both health wise and life wise. I’ve been away and not dealt with the situation as I had so much else to deal with. Now I’ve finally come round to talking and this is what’s happened.

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month. Then sarcastically told me he ‘appreciated’ that.

He said he didn’t need me to pay his bills as he was perfectly capable of paying them on his own.

He tells me he has paid for so many things for me before over our relationship that I am a total cow for bringing this up and that all I am interested in is money. All I wanted was acknowledgement for what I do and an offer to contribute in some way to show that!

I had mentioned that I do a lot for him by running the household and looking after everything and he just says that I don’t do it for him as I would be doing this anyway if he were here or not…

Then he tells me I don’t support him in any way and he feels he does everything alone.

He storms out saying he will invoice me for everything he has spent on me over our relationship and I can do the same but he knows that he will have spent more on me.

I’m at a loss as to what I feel right now.

He makes out that I am being so unreasonable and unappreciative. I don’t get it.

OP posts:
IVbumble · 09/12/2023 11:21

Remember everything he is accusing you of is actually all the things he is doing to you.

No wonder it's confusing.

Tesal · 09/12/2023 11:23

You don’t need to get it. What you do need is to get this fucker out of your house and your life.

WowOK · 09/12/2023 11:24

Just tell him to get out of your house. You don't need nor want a cocklodger. He is able to support himself so he can do that elsewhere.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2023 11:25

What's hard to understand? He wants you to pay the bills and provide full domestic services.

You don't know what to do?

You don't want to end the relationship with this parasite?

JMSA · 09/12/2023 11:26

Get rid.

AllEars112232 · 09/12/2023 11:26

Using his argument, if you’d pay those bills and do all those chores anyway, then you really don’t need him as he brings nothing to the relationship!
Best you tell him to leave now.
I know you feel sad right now, but you will be better off in the long run.

Holymolyfandoly · 09/12/2023 11:27
  1. He's using you.
  2. He's mean.

That's all you need to "get" and be honest, you do already know this.

Throw all his belongings into a black sack, put them outside the door and text him that he's no longer welcome.

Original poster
Bumblebeee33 · 09/12/2023 11:28

This is so true! I honestly can’t say what will be different in my life if he goes. I do it all anyway.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 09/12/2023 11:28

Jesus Christ op he really has you wondering if you are wrong , get him to fuck out of your children’s house and stop being a walkover .

Travis1 · 09/12/2023 11:29

He’s stormed out? Good. Pack his bags and leave them at the door for him. Do not let him back in. You and your kids deserve better

Bonbon21 · 09/12/2023 11:30

The number one thing anyone should get out of any relationship is respect.

And if you are not getting that then the rest is immaterial...

That is the only question you need answered.

And I think you have that already.