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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 09/12/2023 13:37

Holymolyfandoly · 09/12/2023 11:27

  1. He's using you.
  2. He's mean.

That's all you need to "get" and be honest, you do already know this.

Throw all his belongings into a black sack, put them outside the door and text him that he's no longer welcome.

This. I hope you don't cave. What a useless oaf.

DarkwingDuk · 09/12/2023 13:39

He’s gaslighting you. This stinks of narcissism and you need to get out as soon as possible.

Kick him out and be thankfully he’s shown his true colours before it has affected your children too badly.

I’m speaking from experience here. Please do not stay in this relationship. He will drain every inch of energy and money out of you and then blame you for it.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 09/12/2023 13:44

What a awful, nasty and entitled leach he is!! Please give yourself the Christmas gift of being single and get him out of your house. Am so angry on your behalf for how rude, dismissive and disrespectful he was to you.

TheCatterall · 09/12/2023 13:46

@Bumblebeee33 why are you not telling him to move out? Never mind trying to get him to appreciate you etc.

he’s using you and belittling you. He’s not a good partner. The previous version of him was fake to lure you in.

Ibravedaflood · 09/12/2023 14:08

Great to hear the trash took itself out. Now get his stuff into bags and leave it on the doorstep. Keep the door locked and block him on your phone... Not a moment more of your time does he deserve op.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2023 14:17

Time for him to move put thrn isn't it? Why haven't you already told him to?

Gillypie23 · 09/12/2023 14:18

He's totally using you. Kick his sorry arse out.

tara66 · 09/12/2023 14:28

Regarding him not paying for household expenses - very often teenagers have to contribute to family;s household bills as soon as they leave school and start to work - so why does he think HE doesn't have to however, or so he thinks - and he isn't even your child.
If he bought furniture which you have - give it back to him.
How many years did he envisage you would be paying for everything?

Best wishes

Cosmosforbreakfast · 09/12/2023 14:31

It's tough breaking up with someone at Christmastime OP but be strong, bite the bullet, tell him it's over, pack his belongings, leave them outside for him and get your locks changed. He won't change, he'll get worse and you'll have wasted another 2 years and a lot more money on him before you know it. Tell him he's out today. You don't need a discussion, you don't owe him any explanations. Just tell him it's over and his belongings are outside for him to collect.

Anon39 · 09/12/2023 14:34

I agree with all the other posters - his eye is on the prize and that is your home. Give a year or more and he would definitely be laying claim to a stake in its equity.

goody2shooz · 09/12/2023 14:40

@Bumblebeee33 so essentially he wants YOU to pay for the pleasure of his company. To use your hard earned cash, to pay for him to live with you, rather than you save that for your children’s future/yourself/your pension.

Let that sink in op, cos these are the facts. He is a leech, a parasite, a mean and disrespectful piece of 💩 You don’t need to be paying for THAT in your own home. I’m with everyone else saying dump his sorry ass!

Hatty65 · 09/12/2023 14:48

Put his stuff in bin liners. Dump outside. Text him to tell him he can collect them then block him. Put the chain on the door.

If he turns up kicking off, call the police.

And Monday, get your locks changed. Nothing else to discuss with him. Where he goes is not your problem.

coconutpie · 09/12/2023 14:51

Pack up his stuff and leave it at the door. Get rid of this cocklodger. You are WELL RID of him.

coconutpie · 09/12/2023 14:51

goody2shooz · 09/12/2023 14:40

@Bumblebeee33 so essentially he wants YOU to pay for the pleasure of his company. To use your hard earned cash, to pay for him to live with you, rather than you save that for your children’s future/yourself/your pension.

Let that sink in op, cos these are the facts. He is a leech, a parasite, a mean and disrespectful piece of 💩 You don’t need to be paying for THAT in your own home. I’m with everyone else saying dump his sorry ass!

Also 100% this.

Crunchymum · 09/12/2023 14:58

You are clearly in denial as you are unable / unwilling to deal with this effectively.

Whats the point of every single poster repeating the same advice to you?

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/12/2023 15:08

He said that I would be paying my bills anyway and that he wasn’t contributing much to creating any extra expense. Maybe a few hundred a month. Then sarcastically told me he ‘appreciated’ that

I’m sorry to tell you that you have caught yourself a greater spotted Hobosexual

As a lone parent who also owns my home I have nearly fallen prey to an infestation myself once or twice. They are hard to spot, but if you accept the additional cost (because you’d be paying the bills anyway right?) the next stage is they start leeching off you for childcare while they head off for all their hobbies and time out with friends (because you’re already looking after your own kids right? What’s one more) and eventually you find you are doing everything, paying everything and also an unpaid nanny.

If paying all the bills isn't so bad Im sure he’ll have no problem moving out and doing it all himself, right? 😉

WeightWhat · 09/12/2023 15:09

OP, be kind to yourself. You don’t need to do kick him out today, despite what Mumsnet tells you.

But this guy is not supporting you or your family. Please don’t take it upon yourself to support him and his.

He needs to leave at a time that suits you. Keep reminding yourself that you are in control and can choose when he goes. Also, remind yourself that talk means nothing. This is all about behaviour, so don’t waste hours trying to set out your point of view. Spend that time with your DC instead.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 09/12/2023 15:13

Tell him to get to fuck, you want him gone.

Total gaslighting pisstaker.

PickAChew · 09/12/2023 15:50

His reaction is both petulant and vindictive. And I reckon that he does get it but doesn't care about how it affects you. He's just angry that you have dared to confront him about not paying his way.

I'd be telling him to find someone else to mooch off somewhere else to sleep with immediate effect.

1990thatsme · 09/12/2023 15:53

WeightWhat · 09/12/2023 15:09

OP, be kind to yourself. You don’t need to do kick him out today, despite what Mumsnet tells you.

But this guy is not supporting you or your family. Please don’t take it upon yourself to support him and his.

He needs to leave at a time that suits you. Keep reminding yourself that you are in control and can choose when he goes. Also, remind yourself that talk means nothing. This is all about behaviour, so don’t waste hours trying to set out your point of view. Spend that time with your DC instead.

He’s already left!!!

WeightWhat · 09/12/2023 15:56

Nah - he just ‘stormed off’ - he’ll be back.

MeridianB · 09/12/2023 16:01

So this wasn’t an oversight. He really believed he didn’t have to contribute anything. And he’s shown you who he is, loud and clear, with sneering and name-calling. He is not a good person.

Don’t wait for him to change, don’t wait for him to move out. Change the locks and leave his stuff outside.

Slowcookerseason · 09/12/2023 16:14

He'll try to come back after a day or so of sofa surfing with his mates. Hold firm!

Zanina · 09/12/2023 16:24

Classic cock lodger and a leech. He must have sussed you out as generous and laid back. Just what he needed. These types of men aren't real men and I'd you end up having a child with him he won't pay for it. He is a liability x

moonbeammagic · 09/12/2023 16:28

You know what you need to do. You just need to ask yourself, why you are so reluctant to do it. Honestly, threads like these make me sad.