If you are autistic do people often not answer the question you are asking but give a more generalised answer?

[Hotandsunny]

Just a thought that came to mind. I often find when I ask people questions about something very specific they don't seem to get it and just give you a general answer. I don't know what it is. But I have oftenish been in a situation where people just don't seem to understand what you are asking. So I was wondering if it was an autistic thing.

The example from today was I was doing a school appeal and the school had sent a list of rooms and room sizes as evidence that the school was full. I tried to question the school about what the different rooms were used for, about class sizes and what rooms the 6th form used. All the deputy head could do was repeat that Y7 was full.

I say you haven't answered my question and ask again and get the same reply. A member of the panel says to me I just don't like the reply I'm getting. I don't, because it doesn't answer my question.

This isn't an isolated incident by a long shot.

I do hope you win your appeal. I do get what you're saying about people not answering directly, I think most responses were trying to see if there was a reasonable explanation. It could just be the school being obstructive or them not explaining clearly what the problem is.

That's what a conversation is

@IBlinkThereforeIAm some people do. For example, if my mum asked me if she should visit tomorrow and I just said 'no', she would be offended. However, if I were to provide a long winded narrative around what I was doing and why I couldn't fit a visit in, she would be more satisfied with my answer, even though both mean 'no'.

This.

Sage, I honestly try to keep things as terse and to the point as I can; I hardly call a short subordinate clause 'telling a story' (fwiw, DM and DSis do that, and it drives me potty).

I do often feel like I've been inadvertently 'set up' to fail by DP's rigidity of questioning. I sometimes have to say "I can't answer that question" when it's a closed question and one or both of the binaries is a wrong assumption on his part. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, he'll struggle either way.

What if the one space you calculated went to another child during the same appeal process?

debrianna, see my post re the PAN. They could just be full. Galling, OP, when named school says no, for whatever reason. Ensuring a suitable education for one's SEN child shouldn't have to be a fight. I'm doing the same -it's exhausting.

They may have other things to do but this is part of their job and is always going to involve discussing rooms. I suppose I would expect the teacher to act professionally. I would think the school would want her to do so too? As I've already said multiple times there are no 6th form rooms. They share rooms. I very much doubt they need to re timetable an entire school for one child. If it's a non-argument - why is it part of the appeal process? Why is the school asked to argue this point? Why is the parent asked to argue against it? Why do appeals get won on this point? Who have I berated??🤨

You say "meet her needs" so I assume she has additional needs. So it's not just adding 1 child to a class of 29.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX I'm exactly the same - people think I am pedantic but actually I find it very difficult to know what I should be doing without the correct information, and that distresses me. On the flip side - I now have a reputation at work for being able to bore down into the facts and to ascertain exactly what is necessary, so that we don't waste time doing things that don't need to be done. I am known for my attention to detail!

@EveSix sorry, didn't mean to imply you were not communicating effectively. I really meant some people prefer a much more extended version of what you were talking about, i.e. some people might give a lot more context to build to the point. Some people also prefer to hear all the context and get offended by a yes or no without a narrative.

I’ve got this all the time and I’m not autistic (as far as I know and DH swears that I’m not) I re read my draft emails with questions literally 10 times to make sure that there is no chance to assume anything different out of them. I do let it go often when I’ve got wishy washy answer but if I really need it, I dig further.
I think people do it for various reasons: they don’t want to give you information, they don’t know details, they don’t listen you properly and just react on a few key words.

I don’t think your question about use of rooms is irrelevant by the way, the numbers might show that they don’t use rooms optimally and can change the usage to get more students in year 7.

The trouble is they are making an argument based on room size so as the parent I have to question/argue against it. They were trying to avoid talking about how under capacity they are. But it's an important point as it effects all year groups. And the point is I have to argue that there is space for 1 more child - that is literally the point of the appeal.

Thank you, Sage. It's easy to tie oneself in knots over communication as it's important to get it right when the stakes are high, as is often the case when anxiety is involved.
On the flip side, DP can occasionally decide he's in some kind of chatty flow-state of dazzling wit, and express dismay when I seem wooden, blunt and monosyllabic -I'm just trying to not f* up! Language processing differences at their finest.

The school gives their case and then parents have to ask questions/argue against their case. If the case is as it would always be about rooms/class sizes/ staffing then to argue against it I need to have some information. So no, I don't want to know for the sake of knowing but because of course I want to win the appeal.

Yes, I do struggle with that.

what if it is their decision but they haven’t decided yet or they’re not sure?

Ummm... they could just say that, as you have above! This is the purpose of language, what words are for and why they have defined and specific meanings: so that people can communicate accurately what they actually mean using the corresponding words, rather than say something else entirely and expect people to guess what they meant to say, and then often get cross if you guess incorrectly. The presumption that anybody has the time, energy or inclination to attempt to read their minds is so rude and self-important. And usually it is these same obsfucating types who will also pretend the words someone else has said to them also have alternative meanings to what was actually said, and then get offended by their own fantasies about imagined meanings in those words, which bear no resemblance to the actual definitions of those words.

Tiresome in the extreme. It's almost impossible to conduct any meaningful conversation with such people without giving yourself a stomach ulcer or a nervous breakdown. Such people never seem to improve their communication abilities over time either in my experience so it's best to avoid them once you've identified them. Sadly, there are many!

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I just can't understand someone taking part in an appeal if they fundamentally don't agree with the process. And how can they get away with refusing to engage? I just don't understand.

OP, kindly, it’s none of your business what they do with classrooms in the school. Oversubscribed isn’t just about Real estate, there’s many more complexities. Your question was not appropriate as it could come across as arrogant with you giving the impression you don’t think they’re doing things very well. From your perspective they’re not, but you aren’t, and don’t need to be privy to all the plans and arrangements for everything the school does.

Avoiding the question is a social habit for situations where the person can’t say ‘stop fucking asking, mind yer own’ or doesn’t want to come across as rude, so they just go vague news. I’m a bit obsessed with where people live, and really have to hold myself back from trying to nail them down to their Road etc. I’m fascinated with houses and people’s decor.

It’s just more of the unwritten rule thing. If the answer is vague it prob means that’s all you’re getting.

That's what a conversation is

It really isn't!! Do you say everything that you think?!

God, how exhausting!! You have to give her a full day run down and account for your time before she can accept ypu have said "no, I am busy"?

Thank you for that.

I had to do the appeal over Zoom when I'd requested in person. Over Zoom means it is just even harder to follow. Lots of talking over people etc.

I asked autistic people if they asked a specific question do others just give a general answer. Autistic people have managed to answer that question fine.

However many people seem to want to talk about my appeal including you. What do you mean teachers understand autism??

But you are just like this person just keep repeating the same things over and over. I have said countless times the 6th form has no separate area it shares all facilities and rooms with the whole school.

Damian Milton's double empathy problem is well worth looking up, both for autistic and non-autistic people. It may be especially useful for those of you who have autistic relatives and are finding it a struggle to communicate effectively with each other.

OP, good luck with the appeal. We're trying to get a place at a specialist school for one of our DC atm and are expecting the response to be that the suitable schools are "full", even though that isn't a valid reason to turn a child with an EHCP away. So I suspect I may be asking similar questions soon

I suspect this is part of it.

OP I often have clients asking me pages of questions about process at work. Many of them are ND and/or trauma impacted. I have about 4000 clients. I simply don't have time to respond to every single query (many of which are irrelevant and/or appear to be designed to try to get me to vary the procedures). People feel that I am not answering. For example, someone asks about a process. I say, "sorry you aren't eligible for that process". I'm right. I then get queries about the policy. I send the policy. They query a completely irrelevant piece and say, "you didn't do this". Well, no I didn't but it wouldn't make any difference to eligibility. They want a meeting to discuss it. Taking more time. I give a list of reasons it won't make a difference. They nitpick one of the reasons, they aren't interested in the other 19 which preclude them. They want this in writing, double spaced, in 18 font, notarised. I supply it, taking hours of my time. They then escalate to my boss, the Board, the MP, taking more time. Pointing out the irrelevancies.

At the very beginning of the process, I'd actually like to say, "I'm right, you aren't eligible, I'm the expert and all of this effort is for nothing" but I can't because of customer service standards.

I suspect the school feels they can't meet your child's needs, they don't have capacity and they have many reasons. Room size was floated because it's the least contentious. You think it's the one to deal with. It's not.