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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not drive partner to work while on maternity leave during bus strike?

282 replies

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 14:50

My partner can't drive and so can't get to work during the current bus strikes.

He usually works 1 day a week at home and 4 in the office. He works in finance and can do his job entirely remotely. Unfortunately his employer (large company) are insisting he goes in at least 3 days - the reasons given are that his contract doesn't allow full homeworking and apparently one colleague has asked why he should get 'special treatment'.

We live in a rural location so no transport option other than me driving him there then picking him up (total 4 hours driving per day, 12 hours per week). I am on maternity leave so could theoretically do it but I really don't want to if it can be avoided!

Partner's uncle and sister both live close to his work so I have suggested he could ask if he could stay with one of them 2 nights a week (or 1 night each) meaning I would only have to drive him there Tuesday morning and pick him up Thursday after work. He is close to them and they regularly stay over at our house at weekends but he won't even ask them!

AIBU to say he asks his family to put him up 1 or 2 nights a week temporarily or finds his own alternative?

Also, any other advice around dealing with his employer or other options more than welcome!

Thank you all!

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 07/11/2023 17:10

Chimpandcheese · 07/11/2023 17:04

Slightly off piste question but: if it takes you two hours in the car, how long does it take on the bus?? He must spend 5 or 6 hours a day commuting?? His choice, but if I could work from home more I’d definitely be pushing for it!

It's a 2 hour round trip, OP says it takes 90 mins on the bus.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 07/11/2023 17:11

I wouldn't be spending my precious maternity leave chauffeuring people around for 4 extra hours a day with my poor baby stuck in his car seat for no good reason.

Your husband works from home or sorts lifts elsewhere. Or you all move house.

Auroradavis · 07/11/2023 17:13

YANBU. He should stay with relatives. Expecting you to drive 4 hours a day is completely unreasonable, mat leave or not. Can he not get a train and you facilitate lifts to and from the station?
Ie you take him to the train station he gets a taxi from the other end to work? He hasn't learned to drive so has clearly saved a lot of money in car expenses, so hopefully can afford a couple taxis from the station? Not sure where you're based but worth looking into.
Feelings for you right now, bet he's guilting you into it!
Also, why doesn't he drive? Is he spongebob?
Time to book some lessons unless he has a genuine exemption from driving

margotrose · 07/11/2023 17:13

He definitely shouldn't be asking you to drive him when he never bothered to learn himself. It would be a bit different if he was disabled or had a medical reason not to drive.

His boss should use some common sense and allow him to WFH as the bus strike is beyond his control. He could also stay with relatives one or two nights to allow him to work in the office an extra day or so too as a compromise.

ElleCapitaine · 07/11/2023 17:13

I think that’s unfeasible with a small baby. You’ll be exhausted as you’ll likely be up at night and probably unsafe to drive for that long. You’ll be spending half the day driving with a small baby - that could be really stressful if baby starts crying. I don’t think he should even be asking you. He needs to ask his employer to work at home or stay over.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 07/11/2023 17:14

Neitheronethingnortheother · 07/11/2023 16:55

A decent employer should absolutely be flexible. But with a shitty employer it's easier to force the point if there is a medical reason

Although as a partially sighted person I would say that even with a medical reason a really shitty employer still won't give a fuck.

But this is something I have had to deal with in similar circumstances in my life and it can make a difference, whether it should or not

Show quote history

I see what you mean.
That is a very fair point.

towriteyoumustlive · 07/11/2023 17:14

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 15:01

Oh and also I have school drop off and pick up to do so would need to be back for that in between so baby would end up spending almost 5 hours a day in the car which can't be healthy.

For this reason alone, then you should NOT be doing this.

You can't put a baby in the car for 5 hours a day!

grottyb · 07/11/2023 17:15

He spends 3 hrs a day on a bus normally? This is, chaotic, to say the least.

thousands of people have commutes of 1.5 hrs door to door each way….

TiaraBoo · 07/11/2023 17:15

@AmIclutchingpearls Can’t he speak to HR and ask for his contract to be amended short term.
Maybe suggest 1 day in the office and he works out staying in an air b&b or with family.

SecondUsername4me · 07/11/2023 17:18

He doesn't even need to mention you/the baby when he says he cannot travel to work and back - he needs to just tell them that whilst the strikes are on, he needs to either work remote ft or work provide transport, or work provide accommodation next to the office. He can say "I've exhausted all lift options now and the strikes will remain for the forseeable"

YireosDodeAver · 07/11/2023 17:19

Yanbu.

The point of strikes is to create inconvenience which highlights how much the wider network of businesses and services rely on thr good functioning of the staff who are being underpaid and therefore effectively being expected to subsidise everyone else.

If you personally absorb the impact of the strike then you negate its power. Your DH's employers should be confronted with the fact that their workforce needs a functioning bus system, for which to happen the bus drivers need decent pay and conditions. If you drive your DH to work when the buses aren't available then that never gets communicated.

newwings · 07/11/2023 17:20

If you couldn't drive then what? Colleague needs to mind own business, they don't share your circumstances and the manager should nip this tittle tattle in the bud. Your hubby needs to take it up with his boss as I'm pretty sure with the bus strikes and you being on mat leave HR would swerve!! If the work gets done why do people care so much?

SweetBirdsong · 07/11/2023 17:21

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 17:02

Oh sorry I didn't think it was relevant to the immediate issue as not a medical reason he can't drive. He lived most of his life in a city centre so never learned, moved to current location around 2 years ago and had no issues with bus. Him learning to drive is in the long term plan but we had planned for that expense once both back to work when finance allow.

You have answered a question I was going to ask, in this post here. No medical reason for not learning to drive, then no, I would not be driving him anywhere. Pregnant or not!

I know a couple (both mid 40s,) been together 20 years, and he drives and she can't. Never learned, as like your DH, she lived in an area where everything was on hand and so she said she didn't need to drive.

7 or 8 years ago they moved to somewhere where they do need a car sometimes, and he has to drive ALL the time. He is deeply resentful and hates being the designated driver all the time. But she says she is too old to learn now. At 43. 🙄

scoobysnaxx · 07/11/2023 17:24

NO WAY are you being unreasonable!

5 hours driving a day with a newborn on maternity leave?! With school pic ups and drop offs to do? Are you joking?

I would never consider that and my partner or family wouldn't ever expect this anyway. Don't listen to anyone telling you YABU.

His problem he needs to work out.

Is there a reason why he can't drive? If not, he needs to learn to drive if you're living in a rural area!!

CoffeeBean5 · 07/11/2023 17:27

How far away is the nearest railway? Maybe you could drop him off there and pick him up?

CoffeeBean5 · 07/11/2023 17:30

Also, I understand why your DH never learnt to drive if he lived most of his adult life in the city. Public transport is frequent and quite reliable in a city. However, why did you move to a rural place hours away from his work?

WeeOrcadian · 07/11/2023 17:33

He chose to not learn to drive - his choice

He got a job this far away - he needs to deal. five hours in a car is too much for an adult - let alone a baby

Though I am baffled by how many posters think that they can just demand that they WFH more, or just get another job that allows more flexibility. I understand why you'd want that - my job is entirely admin - WFH one day per week. It isn't always clear cut.

What IS clear cut? Learning to drive so that you don't expect your newborn baby to sit in a car for hours 3 days per week.

SecondUsername4me · 07/11/2023 17:35

Madness to move as a non driver to somewhere you have to bus 90mins each way to work. From a central location.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/11/2023 17:35

YANBU at all
Can I ask if you've posted about this before?
There was an identical post a while ago but the school run involved Step children?
If this is the case It's all completely down to DP to think of solutions
Is there a train station you could drop him to?
Your baby will spend most of their days in the car seat, and you'll miss out too

Primproperpenny · 07/11/2023 17:36

Not your problem to solve.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/11/2023 17:37

If a medical issue then Could have tried to call managers better will and work at home

But as he just hasn't bothered

If something happens to you and then chldren need medical care /doctors etx then be stuck

I would consider learning to drive now rather then both back at work

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/11/2023 17:38

He needs to book a theory test and an intensive driving course that includes a test slot ASAP.

In the meantime he registers for lift share apps, asks for more flexibility at work and investigates options such as train, cycling, and staying over.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2023 17:39

So it's an hour's drive each way, how long does it take by bus??

Is your reason for not to punish him for not driving?

How old is baby?

billycat321 · 07/11/2023 17:48

Is there no-one in your village who works in the same town who might give him a lift if asked? Contribute to cost of petrol

Wolfpa · 07/11/2023 17:51

Why does he not drive himself?

Is there another option he can take? Possibly driving him somewhere closer to catch a train instead?

if not these are circumstances out of your control and I would expect the business to make an allowance.

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