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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not drive partner to work while on maternity leave during bus strike?

282 replies

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 14:50

My partner can't drive and so can't get to work during the current bus strikes.

He usually works 1 day a week at home and 4 in the office. He works in finance and can do his job entirely remotely. Unfortunately his employer (large company) are insisting he goes in at least 3 days - the reasons given are that his contract doesn't allow full homeworking and apparently one colleague has asked why he should get 'special treatment'.

We live in a rural location so no transport option other than me driving him there then picking him up (total 4 hours driving per day, 12 hours per week). I am on maternity leave so could theoretically do it but I really don't want to if it can be avoided!

Partner's uncle and sister both live close to his work so I have suggested he could ask if he could stay with one of them 2 nights a week (or 1 night each) meaning I would only have to drive him there Tuesday morning and pick him up Thursday after work. He is close to them and they regularly stay over at our house at weekends but he won't even ask them!

AIBU to say he asks his family to put him up 1 or 2 nights a week temporarily or finds his own alternative?

Also, any other advice around dealing with his employer or other options more than welcome!

Thank you all!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/11/2023 17:52

god no having a baby in the car that much per day is too much. He just needs to ask for temp homeworking or yes ask a relative. All those saying YABU, you’d really be driving that length when recovering from birth (could need a section), establishing bf, baby screaming it’s head off. Not recommended for baby to be in a car seat that much and could be really damaging

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 17:54

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 15:01

Oh and also I have school drop off and pick up to do so would need to be back for that in between so baby would end up spending almost 5 hours a day in the car which can't be healthy.

Oh god no, don't even entertain the idea! He's a grown up. Let him sort himself out.

ManateeFair · 07/11/2023 17:54

I'm on the fence with this one. I can certainly see why you don't want to do all that driving, especially with a baby.

But equally, if I was your husband, I wouldn't feel I could ask a family member if I could come and stay one or two nights a week, every week for the foreseeable future.

Imagine if someone on here posted "My DH's brother has asked if he can stay with us a night or two a week, every week, because of bus strikes. There's no end point for the strikes so this could go on for months. In theory, his wife could actually drive him to work as she's on maternity leave, but she's refusing to because it's a lot of driving. AIBU to think BIL and his wife are being CFs to think we should host him overnight every week? BIL's lovely but I can't completely relax when we've got a house guest and we'd have to sort the spare room, meals etc." Pretty much everyone would say "Yeah, this isn't your problem. Say it doesn't work for you. This is for BIL and his wife to sort out."

I suppose an option would be for DH to stay in a Travelodge or something once or twice a week? Obviously that's not ideal from an expense point of view, though, especially if you're on mat leave.

Zebedee55 · 07/11/2023 17:54

Why can't you drive?

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 17:56

I don't know who the absolute idiots are who think YABU. I bet they wouldn't do it!!!

That's an impossible ask!! He needs to learn to drive. Pronto.

Original poster
AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 17:56

Unfortunately we simply can't afford an intensive driving course while living on one wage and he wouldn't be able to do it in time for this strike.

I don't resent him at all as I understand his reasons in the past and we made the joint decision to delay until we can afford for him to learn.

Bus routes were checked before moving and actually only around half an hour each way longer than driving. Much cheaper and he enjoys the down time listening to music etc so even when he can drive he will use the bus out of preference. It would drive me crazy but each to their own!

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 17:57

Zebedee55 · 07/11/2023 17:54

Why can't you drive?

Try RTFT dear.

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 17:59

ManateeFair · 07/11/2023 17:54

I'm on the fence with this one. I can certainly see why you don't want to do all that driving, especially with a baby.

But equally, if I was your husband, I wouldn't feel I could ask a family member if I could come and stay one or two nights a week, every week for the foreseeable future.

Imagine if someone on here posted "My DH's brother has asked if he can stay with us a night or two a week, every week, because of bus strikes. There's no end point for the strikes so this could go on for months. In theory, his wife could actually drive him to work as she's on maternity leave, but she's refusing to because it's a lot of driving. AIBU to think BIL and his wife are being CFs to think we should host him overnight every week? BIL's lovely but I can't completely relax when we've got a house guest and we'd have to sort the spare room, meals etc." Pretty much everyone would say "Yeah, this isn't your problem. Say it doesn't work for you. This is for BIL and his wife to sort out."

I suppose an option would be for DH to stay in a Travelodge or something once or twice a week? Obviously that's not ideal from an expense point of view, though, especially if you're on mat leave.

You need to get rid of the splinters then...

It's a preposterous idea!! You can't have a young baby spend all those hours in the car!!!

Squirrelsnut · 07/11/2023 17:59

I'd look at an Airbnb cheapo single room for the 2 nights required each week.

ManateeFair · 07/11/2023 18:01

He spends 3 hrs a day on a bus normally? This is, chaotic, to say the least

1.5 hours each way isn't that unusual for a commute. Not everyone is lucky enough to be in a position to live close to to where they work. My commute now is 30 minutes door to door, which is great, but when I worked in central London (where I obviously very much could not afford to live!) my commute was about 1.5 hours of walking, train, Tube and more walking.

potatoheads · 07/11/2023 18:06

Sartre · 07/11/2023 15:00

YABU. He needs to work to pay the bills, what will realistically happen if he can’t get to work any other way? Could he lose his job? Is it really worth that because you can’t be arsed driving him until the strikes are over? You should want to help your partner out imo.

Don't be ridiculous. OP had to come back to do the school run so her entire day would be driving. That's completely unreasonable when the DH has the option to stay over with family near work for a couple of night a week.

potatoheads · 07/11/2023 18:08

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/11/2023 15:13

You’re asking quite a lot of his relatives when him going to work benefits your family, not theirs. I can’t say I’d be too happy to have to put my brother / nephew up during the week because his wife who wasn’t working didn’t want to drive him to work.

Wife and newborn baby in a car for 5 hours a day is ridiculous and potentially not safe or healthy for baby. The family come and stay at the OPs house regularly why is it rude then for them to put dh up?!

BungleandGeorge · 07/11/2023 18:08

I think you’re unreasonable to expect an uncle or sister to put him up 2 nights every single week so you don’t have the inconvenience of driving him! What’s in his contract because generally if you take the job you’d be expected to get yourself to
the office unless he has a home working contract? Can he take some leave? Apply for parental leave? Could you do shared parental leave and he be off with the baby?

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 18:10

BungleandGeorge · 07/11/2023 18:08

I think you’re unreasonable to expect an uncle or sister to put him up 2 nights every single week so you don’t have the inconvenience of driving him! What’s in his contract because generally if you take the job you’d be expected to get yourself to
the office unless he has a home working contract? Can he take some leave? Apply for parental leave? Could you do shared parental leave and he be off with the baby?

Do you seriously consider that amount of driving with a young baby is an "inconvenience"???

I think you need to have a word with yourself.

The driving is beyond unreasonable. I bet you wouldn't do it!

babyproblems · 07/11/2023 18:11

NotSuchASmugMarried · 07/11/2023 14:59

If he can do his job from home, doesn't drive, and the buses are on strike then I'd just tell his employer he simply can't do it.

Is there a medical reason he doesn't drive? That might help his case.

I agree with this. I mean what are they going to do??? Imagine if he was single. Or if you also didn’t drive. If he has no transport that’s that!!! I don’t think it’s unreasonable during strikes to alter your arrangements and realistically if his employer took any action (which they wouldn’t) then it wouldn’t get very far as it’s ridiculous to be so inflexible.
He should tell them that due to the strikes he is unable to make his commute temporarily. End of! X

potatoheads · 07/11/2023 18:11

WeeOrcadian · 07/11/2023 16:22

But you haven't explained WHY he doesn't drive, I feel this is pertinent to the opinions you're looking for

There's more to this though - you don't know why he won't ask relatives?

How is it pertinent? He doesn't drive. Whatever the reason is if no consequence for the current situation

SpoonyBitchell · 07/11/2023 18:11

Can't you start to teach him to drive on weekends?

Can anyone babysit for 2hrs on a Saturday or Sunday?

MikeRafone · 07/11/2023 18:14

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 15:03

Thank you for the reply. It's more the fact of not wanting to do so with a baby in the car for 4 hours then a further hour for school pick up and drop off and then our older child for 2 hours a day.

If I were in his position I would stay with family 2 nights as a compromise.

its really unhealthy for a baby to be in the car, they breath at a different rate from adults and therefore take in far to much pollution which affects their lungs. You wouldn't smoke around a baby so why would you put them in a car for 5 hours. Added to which the position they are in during car journeys isn't great for their physical being, they should be lying flat.

If the bus company is on strike and he is not physically able o get to work, then he needs to either sort out an alternative mode of transport or talk to his manager about the issue whilst the bus strike is happening. It isn't special treatment, every has different needs at different times

Aphroditee · 07/11/2023 18:15

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 17:02

Oh sorry I didn't think it was relevant to the immediate issue as not a medical reason he can't drive. He lived most of his life in a city centre so never learned, moved to current location around 2 years ago and had no issues with bus. Him learning to drive is in the long term plan but we had planned for that expense once both back to work when finance allow.

He is selfish. Living rurally and needing transport to get to work he should 100% learn to drive. If he is fully fit and able to learn to drive then he needs to do a crash course ASAP.

Or, he forks out for taxis and hotels. Or, you all move closer to his work.

You are not a taxi driver, OP.

StrawBeretMoose · 07/11/2023 18:20

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 16:21

Thank you all for your replies, some really helpful suggestions that he is now looking into and has sent an email to his boss explaining that I can't drive him with the baby in the car for all that time.

Not sure why he won't ask his family to stay over even 1 night a week, they don't have children and get on really well and he was actually concerned about not being able to see them during bus strikes so seemed like a good solution to me! My sister used to regularly stay with me when in the region for work so I didn't think it would be much of an ask and seemed the logical thing to me. But he must have his reasons and I suspect he doesn't think they would be keen but doesn't want to say that.

Just to explain, the drive would take almost as long as the bus ride due to traffic and not being able to use bus lanes. Around 2 hours round trip by car or 3 hours by bus. There would also be school runs on top. His travel has never been an issue as the busses are actually pretty good where we live when they are running!

It is absolutely none of his boss’s business what you are doing during the day and shouldn’t have been explained as that assumes that it is somehow your responsibility.

They have an employee who can’t drive, which is not a crime, and plenty of people can’t afford the expense or aren’t fortunate enough to have parents in a position to teach them.

He is probably not the only one to be affected by the strikes.

YANBU to not want to drive that amount of time with a baby, and there’s no way mine would have been happy in the car seat for all that time, never mind that maternity leave is an opportunity to either catch up on rest in the morning if you’re up all night with the baby, or go to baby groups or whatever. Whilst on maternity leave it was a rare time my baby went for 2 hours without breastfeeding or needing a nappy change.

He can explore lift shares, some additional wfh during this period, staying over some nights in a budget hotel. He could maybe ask family for one night a month if he just doesn’t want to impose too regularly.

Run4it2 · 07/11/2023 18:22

He could ride a moped as a learner, so would be able to get to and from work before he passes his test - would that be an option?

StrawBeretMoose · 07/11/2023 18:25

SpoonyBitchell · 07/11/2023 18:11

Can't you start to teach him to drive on weekends?

Can anyone babysit for 2hrs on a Saturday or Sunday?

No way would I teach anyone to drive ‘from scratch’, maybe supervise once they had more confidence,I’m not a driving instructor. Since Covid the driving test backlog has never really gone away in any case, where I am test appointments are 5 months away.

I also wouldn’t have had anyone to look after DC at the weekends.

Longer term it will be useful if the OP’s DH can drive but an intensive course is not in their budget right now, especially with potential hotel and taxi expenses too.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/11/2023 18:28

Run4it2 · 07/11/2023 18:22

He could ride a moped as a learner, so would be able to get to and from work before he passes his test - would that be an option?

That's a good idea, CBT and a moped or scooter would be relatively cheap too.

mathanxiety · 07/11/2023 18:32

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 17:56

Unfortunately we simply can't afford an intensive driving course while living on one wage and he wouldn't be able to do it in time for this strike.

I don't resent him at all as I understand his reasons in the past and we made the joint decision to delay until we can afford for him to learn.

Bus routes were checked before moving and actually only around half an hour each way longer than driving. Much cheaper and he enjoys the down time listening to music etc so even when he can drive he will use the bus out of preference. It would drive me crazy but each to their own!

He gets three hours of pleasant down time every day while you handle the baby and school age child.

That's fifteen hours a week. Do you get that sort of time to yourself weekly?

Before you know it you'll be spending half your life behind the wheel schlepping children to swimming and scouts and whatever else your children will be interested in doing while he sits back at home relaxing for hours.

Don't let him get away with not driving. Make it your number one priority.

Mostlyoblivious · 07/11/2023 18:35

He needs to go back to his employer and state these facts - it’s ridiculous to expect you to be in a car 5 hours a day and his employer needs to be a bit better here - it isn’t special treatment, it’s actually a massive disadvantage. Perhaps the employer can pay to put him up in a hotel..? (Perhaps that suggestion might kick them in to being a little more helpful…)