AIBU to not drive partner to work while on maternity leave during bus strike?

[AmIclutchingpearls]

My partner can't drive and so can't get to work during the current bus strikes.

He usually works 1 day a week at home and 4 in the office. He works in finance and can do his job entirely remotely. Unfortunately his employer (large company) are insisting he goes in at least 3 days - the reasons given are that his contract doesn't allow full homeworking and apparently one colleague has asked why he should get 'special treatment'.

We live in a rural location so no transport option other than me driving him there then picking him up (total 4 hours driving per day, 12 hours per week). I am on maternity leave so could theoretically do it but I really don't want to if it can be avoided!

Partner's uncle and sister both live close to his work so I have suggested he could ask if he could stay with one of them 2 nights a week (or 1 night each) meaning I would only have to drive him there Tuesday morning and pick him up Thursday after work. He is close to them and they regularly stay over at our house at weekends but he won't even ask them!

AIBU to say he asks his family to put him up 1 or 2 nights a week temporarily or finds his own alternative?

Also, any other advice around dealing with his employer or other options more than welcome!

Thank you all!

I’ve never understood why people don’t learn to drive. It’s just a life skill. If there’s no medical reason, it seems entirely burdensome on you to not drive - really ramping the pressure up on you when you have children. I could never be in a relationship with someone who had so completely failed at independence.

There are some people who are ill-suited to being in charge of a heavy, dangerous vehicle that has the potential to kill people. They get overwhelmed making snap decisions, are distracted easily and lose focus and are poor at filtering information so suffer from information overload which makes it difficult to drive safely and calmly. Drivers with ADHD, for example, can be at increased risk in some cases of having accidents or not driving safely, although there are many who do drive successfully obviously.

While in some cases, it may be laziness/lack of need, or lack of opportunity, in many other cases people (often having tried and given up) are just not convinced about their ability to drive safely and are unwilling to put others at risk, even given how life-changing driving can be. Personally, I think that's a sensible decision to make and I applaud them... I want as few unsafe or excessively nervous/impulsive drivers on the road around me and my children as possible.

Could you look at an air bnb? If he’s staying Mon-thurs, mid week, he may able to negotiate a cheaper rate, if it’s a booking for that many weeks? Maybe someone would be willing to take a cheaper guarantee rate rather then their property go empty? Just a thought.

This is the perfect time to start driving lessons. It would be cost effective if the instructor collected him in the morning and he then drove home and back. Doing that even x3 each week over 7 weeks of strikes would mean he can pass he driving test

What you have described is a medical limitation on driving. Which is completely fair enough. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about people who seem intimidated by taking responsibility for themselves. Relying on your partner to drive you is selfish and ridiculous. They aren’t an equal partner, they are just another child. A complete non-starter for me, as someone not driving as an adult is indicative of so many things!

He needs to learn how to drive as it only gets worse . They assume because you drive it’s not unreasonable for you to taxi them around everywhere and they end up taking you for granted and you’ll just be expected to do it rather than being asked . My ex didn’t drive and after two kids and 10 years he became unbearable and not driving was part of it .

yanbu , he needs to sort it out himself

4 hours a day is not reasonable with a baby.

Someone being unable to drive as an adult can be indicative of poverty, a poor background even though they seem to be doing okay now.
Care experienced young adults don’t have parents giving driving practice and helping out with the cost of lessons, they might not have anyone at all to practice with.
There are young people who have rarely been inside a car never mind learning to drive one themselves.

Regular working people with low-paying jobs and bills to pay might find driving lessons have to come low on the priority list after basic living expenses. Of course not having a driving licence is another barrier to securing a better-paid job in some cases.

The OP has said they jointly decided that it wasn’t the right time financially for them to find lessons. No point saying well he should pay, if it’s family money and has become a family issue to address. It doesn’t sound like they have a lot spare just now.

Why marry someone who cannot drive then choose to live in a rural location. Makes no sense

But why he can't drive is if precisely zero help in solving this current dilemma. Fact is he can not drive. How does you knowing why help the OP in any way?

Not driving is usually anxiety related from my observations. Every adult I know who can't drive is scared of driving. I don't blame them. I find driving scary. I put it off until I was 35 then I learnt because I knew I couldn't expect DH to do all the driving, especially after having children.

This isn’t really a sustainable solution, him staying with relatives while your home is out in the middle of nowhere, particularly with a baby/maternity leave.

Clearly not much can be done in the right here/right now but ether he had to drive to work or you guys live where there is transport available with options that if one method is down, it’s not too disruptive in the short term for alternative**. That could be public transport, riding a bike or his getting s ride with a Co-worker (and giving them petrol money).

** for us, if the trains are not running, they’ll likely put on replacement buses OR we pay for taxi/Uber to either another line OR closest tube. We specifically bought our home with commuting options in mind.

I think YABU here. He wouldn't go to work if he didn't have to and that's two nights a week you're asking him to spend away from his family.

Why is it his job to take care of the family? It’s not 1920 anymore.

OP, how long is the journey? If he does it by bus 4 times a week I can’t help but feel 4 hours a day is a slight exaggeration!

My wife’s commute is 55 mins by bus but a 20 minute drive as it’s more direct.
Have you mapped the route?

The roads into Newcastle are a fucking nightmare during commuting times. And nearly every road is one lane cars and another Bus Route - so the busses are usually faster, especially if you only need to take one and not wait for a connection.

If I drive into my own office (via the city centre as I need to do) it takes 15mins to drive in the middle of the day, and 50-60mins during rush hours.

@Deathbyfluffy the OP has answered this. The drive is one hour (and 1.5 hours by bus). The 4 hours is because she has to drive there and back, twice a day.

my husband and I both drive, but deliberately moved to a small town with a train station so we had access to good public transport links. Your dh needs to get a driving license and perhaps moving away from the rural location too.

This was exactly my first thought. If there was no baby in tow maybe it would be different. Also he needs to learn to drive sorry but my FIL has used my MIL as a personal chauffeur for his whole life and it really makes me angry on her behalf.

The OPs partner makes use of the extensive bus service so she isn't his chauffer. However there are 3 months of strikes on all busses - certainly not a typical occurrence!

This!!!

If you had to potentially do this for up to five days a week for between 6-12 weeks, I think it would be really difficult. two round trips a day for DH and then two round trips a day for DC with small baby.

He needs to articulate his travel options during the strike to his employer.
Particularly as you say his job could be easily and effectively be done remotely. Perhaps he could negotiate maybe one day a week in office? and the rest at home until strike is over?

Its not your DH fault that transport he's happily been using until now is unavailable. And your husband has been investigating all alternative options. If others in his office complain of "special treatment" that is a problem for management to sort out. If in fact they have and its not just a case of management pre empting it.
They could complain of any thing. Its a temporary issue . The other staff should be glad of employer flexibility when they have sick leave, paternity leave, or other personal issues which might need a bit of wfh time. It doesn't mean stay at home and do nothing after all. If he left because of this, they would lose a team member and have to make up his work whilst a new person was recruited and trained afterall... so its in the managements interest to be flexible.

His employers probably don't realise the extent of why the "wife drives" option is not really an option for YOU at this volume of driving.

I had to do something similar when we were waiting to move into new house and DC had already started school in new area. So i can tell you, Its not only new baby in car seat for many hours, unable to really stretch or move, sleeping too much, unstimulated and therefore awake more at night, unable to get into routine, but also having to pull over somewhere on route to breast or bottle feed and nappy change - further delaying return home.
It was really difficult and exhausting and you feel the whole day is just in the car, not to mention petrol as you say. I developed painful mastitis and was exhausted with very little time to get everything done as I was always in the car.

That much time in the car on a daily basis with possibly a crying baby would be too much for me.
Your solution is the smarter choice
assuming they are happy to have him.

And yes he needs to learn to drive assuming there are no medical reasons he can't otherwise everything will fall to you by default, e.g. Children's parties, Dr trips,

It’s not just about getting to work though - all driving falls on her, school, hospital, family days out… absolutely everything. Not related to the post necessarily but it is an unfair burden. Our public transport system isn’t good enough to not have a license sadly.

Can he cycle to work? Im incredulous that you live rurally and he can't drive so, all driving is down to you. If you weren't home on Mat leave and were at work - I bet he'd have soon found a way to get to work

Can’t he get a motorbike? You can drive one up to 250cc on a provisional licence without having to pass a driving test first.