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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not drive partner to work while on maternity leave during bus strike?

282 replies

AmIclutchingpearls · 07/11/2023 14:50

My partner can't drive and so can't get to work during the current bus strikes.

He usually works 1 day a week at home and 4 in the office. He works in finance and can do his job entirely remotely. Unfortunately his employer (large company) are insisting he goes in at least 3 days - the reasons given are that his contract doesn't allow full homeworking and apparently one colleague has asked why he should get 'special treatment'.

We live in a rural location so no transport option other than me driving him there then picking him up (total 4 hours driving per day, 12 hours per week). I am on maternity leave so could theoretically do it but I really don't want to if it can be avoided!

Partner's uncle and sister both live close to his work so I have suggested he could ask if he could stay with one of them 2 nights a week (or 1 night each) meaning I would only have to drive him there Tuesday morning and pick him up Thursday after work. He is close to them and they regularly stay over at our house at weekends but he won't even ask them!

AIBU to say he asks his family to put him up 1 or 2 nights a week temporarily or finds his own alternative?

Also, any other advice around dealing with his employer or other options more than welcome!

Thank you all!

OP posts:
Discofish · 07/11/2023 18:35

I would not want to drive 4 hours a day with a baby, you can't just assume that baby will sleep the whole time/be settled the whole time. I had some horrendous journeys when mine were babies.

2jacqi · 07/11/2023 18:42

so how is he planning to get you to hospital for the delivery of the baby??? cuddy back??????

grumpycow1 · 07/11/2023 18:42

perhaps he could do one week at one relative, next week at another relative, next week at a hotel/Airbnb, WFH the week after, then repeat until strike is over?

Thedm · 07/11/2023 18:44

2jacqi · 07/11/2023 18:42

so how is he planning to get you to hospital for the delivery of the baby??? cuddy back??????

What an idiotic comment. People without cars have babies all the time. They already have a kid! They managed fine that time. Really a stupid comment.

SquigglePigs · 07/11/2023 18:48

YANBU. I'd do it as a one off, or for say a critical meeting a handful of times over the strike period but not 3 times a week for up to 12 weeks. It's not fair on you and I'd think it's pretty bad for the baby and their development.

He and his employer need to reach a compromise. Maybe 2 days in the office where he stays a night at a relatives in between, then the rest at home?

CatamaranViper · 07/11/2023 18:49

I'm genuinely wondering if you're my SIL...

My DB had lessons but failed his test three times and never went back to it as he hates failure.

Could you drive part way? Drop him at the first train station or bus stop (serviced by other bus companies)?

RecycleMePlease · 07/11/2023 18:50

I do 4 hours a day driving for the school runs (even if I go to the office rather than back home, with traffic it's not much shorter) - it's a massive commitment and timesuck, and I feel that amount of sitting down unable to fidget at the end of the week and I'm an adult - it would be verging on dangerous for a newborn.

StrawBeretMoose · 07/11/2023 18:50

2jacqi · 07/11/2023 18:42

so how is he planning to get you to hospital for the delivery of the baby??? cuddy back??????

I know it’s not the point but what is a cuddy back? Is it the same as a piggy back? I like how I learn random stuff from mumsnet!

Hangingintherejust · 07/11/2023 18:50

Some large companies have specific policies relating to travel disruption (e.g. due to adverse weather, train strikes etc). Worth looking to see if one exists at his company.
Is it his manager advising he needs to be present in the office or HR? HR may have a broader view on this and other whether other employees are being affected.
Possible options - if the bus company are maintaining a core service eg for schools or to hospitals, could your DH use this for part of his journey and if so is it close enough for it to be manageable for you for drive part way to the bus stop. This may involve a late start at work, which would need agreement from his employer in return for making up the hours at home.
Check Facebook or other local sites for a lift share. Likewise, are there employees on site that live relatively local to you that could give DH a lift (in return for petrol money). My employer has Microsoft Teams with a chat channel for the site. If DH's employer have the same or similar facility, he could put a post up.
DH could pull a case together for his manager/HR to demonstrate what options have been explored. They do not need to accept adjustments but if he can and does WFH effectively, is a good performer etc I would hope they could come to an agreement that works both ways.
Doing that round trip twice a day with a baby and school run for 12 weeks just isn't sustainable. Good luck.

minipie · 07/11/2023 18:50

If he can do his job from home, doesn't drive, and the buses are on strike then I'd just tell his employer he simply can't do it.

I agree with this.

They are not going to fire him for wfh during a bus strike when his job can be done perfectly well remotely and his only other option is asking his wife and baby to spend 4 hours a day driving. It would be a very bad look.

Ok his colleague may kick off but tough, work can deal with that.

PrincessScarlett · 07/11/2023 18:58

He has 3 options:

  1. Plead with his company to work from home whilst bus strikes are on.
  1. Stay with relatives.
  1. Book a travel lodge/premier Inn or air b&b.

Ridiculous for you to spend 2 hours each day getting him to work with baby in tow. What happens if you are stuck in traffic and miss the school run or one of your kids is sick so you end up with a sick child in the car as well? If there were no other option but for you to drive him every day then that's one thing but he has other options open to him.

TheHateIsNotGood · 07/11/2023 19:02

If he doesn't want to ask his relatives (quite possibly understandably) then maybe he could stay in a Travelodge or similar for those 2 nights a week.

Having said that, over the next few years when you never know what life might bring, don't feel all hard done by if you find that all around don't go out of their way to make sure you're all good, just because you're a mother.

Personally, I'd compromise as much as I could, whilst ensuring that DP understood and appreciated my compromises. And Bank 'em, better when push might come to shove in the future, that DP already knows you're in 'credit'.

I know - is it worth it? That living the standard life is just a series of tranactions? Dunno.....

SecondUsername4me · 07/11/2023 19:04

2jacqi · 07/11/2023 18:42

so how is he planning to get you to hospital for the delivery of the baby??? cuddy back??????

Eh?

She has had the baby.

Tribblesarelovely · 07/11/2023 19:07

Sartre · 07/11/2023 15:00

YABU. He needs to work to pay the bills, what will realistically happen if he can’t get to work any other way? Could he lose his job? Is it really worth that because you can’t be arsed driving him until the strikes are over? You should want to help your partner out imo.

Four hours a day ? With a new baby ? My DH wouldn’t even consider the idea .

VisionsOfSplendour · 07/11/2023 19:09

Mostlyoblivious · 07/11/2023 18:35

He needs to go back to his employer and state these facts - it’s ridiculous to expect you to be in a car 5 hours a day and his employer needs to be a bit better here - it isn’t special treatment, it’s actually a massive disadvantage. Perhaps the employer can pay to put him up in a hotel..? (Perhaps that suggestion might kick them in to being a little more helpful…)

It's not the employers concern that he can't drive and lives over an hour from work, why should it be their problem?

LittleGreenDragons · 07/11/2023 19:24

If you’re driving long distances with your baby in a car seat, it’s a good idea to take regular breaks. Your baby’s head can roll forwards if they’re not sleeping flat which can affect their breathing.
https://www.nhsinform.scot/ready-steady-baby/early-parenthood/going-home/keeping-your-baby-safe/

I would never risk my baby's life for a job. Especially when he can sleep overnight with relatives. He needs to act as though you were not available.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 07/11/2023 19:26

waitholdup · 07/11/2023 15:09

You'd drive "total 4 hours driving per day, 12 hours per week" as its to support the family, surely he needs to take some responsibility!

Show quote history

Agreed, that’s a ridiculous amount of time to spend in the car each day even on your own as favour to working partner . With a baby less than 1 year old, and possibly still feeding on demand, needing unpredictable nappies and not supposed to be in car seat for extended periods it a complete “no, that is not possible” “I am on maternity leave to care for a small baby and that makes it impossible to be a taxi for you.

why the hell doesn’t he drive? Do you, OP, play the taxi driver in the house all the time yet you’ve decided to live in this spot. Just no, it’s bigger issue than just the bus strike, he can’t at his age be dependant on you to deliver him around like a teenager.

TeaGinandFags · 07/11/2023 19:26

YANBU

If I were in your shoes I'd phone relatives and ask on his behalf.

Cheeky? Yes, but needs must when the devil drives. Chances are they'd be happy to put him up and it would be a done deal: it's not as if it's forever. Alternatively, he can explain to his boss that it's not practical to come in and could he wfh during the bus strike. Again, there is a choice of two answers.

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/11/2023 19:27

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2023 17:39

So it's an hour's drive each way, how long does it take by bus??

Is your reason for not to punish him for not driving?

How old is baby?

Don't be so ridiculous.

SecondUsername4me · 07/11/2023 19:35

It's not the employers concern that he can't drive and lives over an hour from work, why should it be their problem?

Frankly, it's not the OPs partners problem that the buses are striking. Unless his employer specifies "can drive, must own a car, or must live within walking distance" then they cannot be so naive to think that the 12 weeks of strikes isn't something they should consider for their staff.

This situation isn't a product of the partners making. Being able to drive, and owning a car, is not a prerequisit for his employment.

Goodnessmexxxx · 07/11/2023 19:37

Could he not taxi to a train station? Or cycle to a train station?

sweetgingercat · 07/11/2023 19:44

That’s a terrible way to bring up a newborn lying on its back for five hours a day without stimulation, cuddles, skin to skin contact, bad physically, emotionally and developmentally. I would never agree to it. He needs to take responsibility for his own transport.

Mostlyoblivious · 07/11/2023 19:45

A member of staff out for 12 weeks due to an inability to get to their place of employment (in this case due to bus strikes) is a bit of a problem to an employer. From the OP citing a that a colleague complained about her o/h getting special treatment it already sounds like the employer do think that it’s partly their problem by having had a conversation around wfh.

I also know some NHS trusts make adjustments for their staff affected by the tube and train strikes in London where they wfh.

I am all for people taking responsibility for their choices and actions, however I am also a big believer in people helping each other out. Yes the husband doesn’t drive and lives in the sticks, both personal choices, and their office is a fair whack away, again a choice to not live on the doorstep of your office. However the strikes aren’t his choice. Plenty of people rely on public transport for many reasons - I wonder if he were unable to drive a vehicle for whatever reason (perhaps a broken leg, let’s not get into the minutiae as to whether it was his fault hypothetically for breaking his leg) if your attitude would be less critical.

Not that you asked, but the reason I glibly suggested mentioning a hotel is that it was petty of a co-worker to moan and thus reflects their poor attitude to working from home and moreover, it shows a complete lack of empathy for their fellow man in a tricky situation. It’s also a bit rubbish of the employer to throw the issue into the general ether and let the coworkers decide op’s husbands’ fate.

Goldbar · 07/11/2023 19:52

When are you meant to feed your baby if you're in the car 5 hours a day and rushing here, there and everywhere round about this to get everyone ready and out of the house?

You're going to end up with a baby who wakes frequently/ mostly feeds at night, because that's the only time that you have any quiet time to spend with them, as you're too busy running around like a headless chicken during the day. So you're going to be exhausted.

This has actually been a real problem with my DC2 (we were out and about doing too many things with DC1 so there was rarely any peace and quiet for feeds) and I still find it a big issue after long car journeys. If we're in the car for 3+ hours in a day and DC2 doesn't get enough stimulation, I have a baby who is up half the night. It completely wipes me out for the next day.

Livelovebehappy · 07/11/2023 19:55

How long are the strikes? I’m pretty sure they aren’t all week are they? Just odd days here and there..

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