Birthday party ignorance

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Long story short -
I sent out birthday invites over a week ago to the children invited to my child's 5th birthday party. (Let's say around 15 children were invited)
The invites were a bit badly put together (printed them myself) but I included the information -
"(Insert name here)'s birthday party"
"Date and location"
"Time of party"
"Phone number - any questions please ask" (yes I definitely wrote the phone number down correctly)
"Please RSVP by (insert date) with name of child and whether you are able to attend, thank you."
It's been over a week now and I have not had a single reply.
There is only a few days left until the RSVP date.
I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Would it be unreasonable of me to cancel the party if I receive no replies by the RSVP date?
This seems like the most logical thing to do.

My worry with this is that people will still turn up, even having not bothered to respond. They will then be met with no party and I will be the bad guy at the school gates for letting their children down.

On the other hand, why would I go ahead with something that quite possibly nobody will turn up to. I don't want them to think the world revolves around them, and that I will go ahead with it even with no responses.

What would you do?
This is my first time planning something like this and I am really stuck for what to do.
Thanks.

I have only had 1 party for my daughter, partly because of this issue! I found it very stressful waiting for people to reply and see if I had enough numbers as I had to pay per person. I think in the end everyone replied except 1 who didn't even when I chased so I had to tell them there would not be a space for them! As it was her 2 close friends were sick and didn't turn up anyway. It went OK but I was glad when it was over tbh!

If you invited all the girls I would ask each girl mum at the gates. Even if they can't come, they should be followed up with as that's just rude! No one will know that everyone isn't replying they will just think they are the only one not going.

(I'm assuming there is no reason that you might be a social pariah op? Seems so strange that no one will chat to you ag school gates?)

I have been reading your posts and you sound a bit like me so I feel your pain! I must admit though I have become a bit more lax in replying to invites now I have 2 children as life is busier. So it may be they just haven't got round to replying yet.

It takes 2 mins to reply and putting reply in book bag or texting or speaking to parent at the school. Cannot believe that parents are so rude and lacking in manners…it’s not that hard 🤷‍♀️

Oh OP, I really feel for you. You're trying to give your dd a lovely party and it's turning into an anxious time.

You've had some sensible suggestions on here.

Only skim read other replies but the suggestion of speaking to the office reception is a good idea but not just for a WhatsApp group in general.

If you've not managed to get any further, explain to the receptionist the situation you're in and ask if they'd mind emailing all the girls parents with a copy of the invite to check they'd received it and ask if they could respond to you via text either way by xx November. It may be against policy but if you Explain how the party has been booked, dd very excited but no RSVPs yet you may find they'll be prepared to help you out.

Best of luck OP.

I've got 3 kids (teens/20s now) so have sent a fair few party invitations in my time.
We've run the gamut of RSVP situations and here are two examples of opposite extremes:

1. When my eldest was 4 and still at nursery, we had a very similar situation to yours. No RSVPs and on the day only 4 out of 10 turned up. Like you, I hadn't been able to chase up (nursery pick up being at no specific time). It later transpired that the nursery staff had put the invitations into the children's pigeon holes, which parents were supposed to check at pick up - but obviously some never did. So this was your worst case scenario.
2. For parties when they were at school, we usually had an RSVP rate of about 50% or less for any given party - but nonetheless, nearly everyone invited still turned up on the day! In these cases, if we'd cancelled, we'd have had a lot of disappointed kids on our hands!

One thing I've learned, both from having kids myself and from reading mumsnet, is that surprisingly few people have the same morals/priorities as me - many just do not think they have to RSVP!!
Personally I think my experience 1 is unusual and unlikely, 2 is far more common and I think what has happened in your case.

Hi OP

Sorry you're finding this so stressful - it will get easier.

It's ridiculous that you can't have first names. It's not GDPR - the names will be printed in a Christmas Assembly programme, up on walls under art work, on coat pegs, on award/sticker charts all over the place. Utter nonsense.

Approach the 'chattiest' mum you can spot with a daughter in tow, and explain that you are struggling to work out whether your invitations have been received and get an idea of numbers.

Don't mention you are considering cancelling - that is quite extreme and some parents may now have planned around the party (even if they haven't responded yet).

Or ask the TA of the class (teachers will be too busy but a TA might give you 5 mins).

But you do have to put yourself out there a bit. Just keep telling yourself it's for your DD.

Good luck

I know I do agree with you and I always do reply. I'm just saying that sometimes I think I must do that....and then several says later I still haven't done it. With Child 1 I was very much reply same day as invite received!

I remember when ds had a party in reception it was in a village hall in December and about half the class replied and half still hadn’t replied a couple of days after the RSVP date.

Yes and one mother didn’t know what RSVP meant!?! I saw her outside school
and asked my DS what her DS was called and he told me. I said excuse me I am X’s mum and I just wondered whether Y would be coming to his birthday party next week as I still haven’t heard back from you, just so I know in terms of party bags and catering etc. She paused and looked me up and down and then she said no he’s not going, I didn’t think I had to bother replying if he wasn’t going and added I thought you only had to reply if he he was actually going. The party ended up mobbed and a great success with a few others replying a couple of days before and one even the night before and apologising profusely.

Don’t give up just yet OP.

This happened to my ds, she had invited the whole class to her sons party and not one person rsvp’ed. She contemplated cancelling but decided to go ahead even if it was just her son and mine. They all turned up! Every single one of them. You’ve still got time, try not to worry. I would speak to the school though just to make sure the invites were given out.

Most effective method to get replies I found when the DC were young was to tell them to tell their friends that if their parents didn't reply then we wouldn't know how many party bags we needed to prepare and that there were only going to be enough for the people that be we knew were coming before we went shopping for the contents...
Needless to say I had replies from most people within the next day or two 😂 - it's amazing how much kids love party bags!
And I did buy enough for everyone invited to have a bag, even if they didn't reply. It's just that I didn't bother to mention that bit to my DC in advance.

It’s rude not to reply. Some people just don’t have manners. It is possible some have got lost though (for a recent party I had at least 5 of 25 kids invited lost their invite). Just ask at school gates.

This is perfect. Do this.

This is how it is when we send letters out for trips etc. Not all parents look in their book bags( they don’t even get their books out!), so it ends up, a couple of days before the trip, and panicking, that we have to take clipboards out onto the playground and grab a parent to physically sign the slip there and then!

You can can give reminders out or texts to parents , as many times as you like, and still have to resort to this.

So I’m sorry, the only way you will find out for sure is to actually approach people, or send your daughter with her friend to ask, while you hover in the background to make eye contact if you don’t find it comfortable making the approach yourself. I don’t see any other way of finding out.

And you can be absolutely sure, if you cancel, people will turn up and then you will definitely not be very popular with them, despite their rudeness in the first place.😏

I never did “parties” when my kids were at primary school. A couple of close friends for tea and a treat always did the trick!

Parents just do not check book bags, I doubt the majority even read with their child. If it were me, I’d have handed them personally to the parent…

Come on OP, you can do this! While 'sorry no english' is a fair response not to chat, you can pick them off via the girls leaving.

"Hi, can I just grab you to check you found the party invite in your bag at the end of last half term? I need to know who's coming by next Xday so I can confirm food numbers to the venue. Does your child have any food allergies I need to let them know about?" and yes, extra copy of invite into parent's hand.

Maybe make a play of writing child's name onto 2nd invite given direct to parent, then you're more likely to remember their name & which parent they go with.

And via child if parent isn't an english speaker so they can ask if they're allowed to go - although I think you can effectively write this off as attendee as unless child has details & someone to badger to take them along - unlikely to respond to an invite in written english if they can't engage in spoken english.

Honestly, you could be the class hero if you get as far as a list of all the names, correctly spelt, before Christmas cards! It's a minefield being an early party 😬

I know it's a long way out of your comfort zone, but if you want certainty on numbers (+- 3 who will either just turn up or be ill on the day anyway!) this is what you need to do. Pull on your big girl pants, you can do it! xx

Say to your child to point out the kids parents who he has asked to come . Then ‘excuse me , sorry to bother you but just wanted to check you got my child’s party invite and can you come ? ‘ that’s presuming your child’s pick up is the same as at our school where all parents are in the playground together

IMO schools won't get involved - in my daughter's school, the busy office staff would not be finding the emails of certain parents and emailing a copy of the invite. I don't blame them - it is not their job.

Just ask the parents - "hi, I am Sarah's mum, did you get the invite for Sarah's party?" It really isn't that hard. Your daughter can point out who is in her class!

Why have you used the word ignorance in the title of your thread? It is not making you sound good.

Does your class have a class rep or PTA member? Maybe worth checking out they might be able to help with a list of names/who’s who. shame there is no class what’s app.
Can you ask your DC to point out who she plays with
I don’t think I’d cancel yet until your RSPV date has gone

I moved one on the day once, the hall burnt down, two families turned up to the wrong venue because they hadn't RSVPd so I didn't know to tell them it had moved. That was very much a them problem.

Best idea is to go to office as someone said

Ask them to send an email to whole class saying you want to start a wats app group and please if they want to join to text you their number and you will add /start one

Obv make sure your number is on email

Sorry, but I really am quite gobsmacked by the number of people on here who are just so accepting of the fact that it's considered normal for people to not RSVP. It's damn rude and unacceptable and shows a total lack of mindfulness and consideration. Ten years ago when my daughters were 5, there might be one or two who didn't reply but now it seems standards have completely slipped where you're lucky if you get one reply. What happened to manners? And I think ignorance is a perfectly good word to use in the Title - for the people ignorant of good manners. Why should the onus be put on the OP to approach each parent personally? They have already done their part by sending out an invite with an RSVP date. And parents do check book bags because it’s a well-known fact that all school correspondence is put in there. For those that think it's okay not to RSVP why not buck your ideas up, show some manners, start RSVP-ing and then the rest of the herd might follow.

What can you do about it other than accept it? These other people are grown adults and you're not responsible for them, so you can't exactly change their behaviour.

Accepting that something happens is not the same thing as saying it's totally fine - it's confusing and unhelpful and yes, rude if intentional.

It's highly unlikely to be intentional though. It'll be people run ragged trying to keep various balls in the air and occasionally dropping one. The RSVP date hasn't even passed yet. And the lack of name on the invite won't help.