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Original poster

Birthday party ignorance

287 replies

superdupernamechange · 06/11/2023 18:05

Long story short -
I sent out birthday invites over a week ago to the children invited to my child's 5th birthday party. (Let's say around 15 children were invited)
The invites were a bit badly put together (printed them myself) but I included the information -
"(Insert name here)'s birthday party"
"Date and location"
"Time of party"
"Phone number - any questions please ask" (yes I definitely wrote the phone number down correctly)
"Please RSVP by (insert date) with name of child and whether you are able to attend, thank you."
It's been over a week now and I have not had a single reply.
There is only a few days left until the RSVP date.
I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Would it be unreasonable of me to cancel the party if I receive no replies by the RSVP date?
This seems like the most logical thing to do.

My worry with this is that people will still turn up, even having not bothered to respond. They will then be met with no party and I will be the bad guy at the school gates for letting their children down.

On the other hand, why would I go ahead with something that quite possibly nobody will turn up to. I don't want them to think the world revolves around them, and that I will go ahead with it even with no responses.

What would you do?
This is my first time planning something like this and I am really stuck for what to do.
Thanks.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 08/11/2023 21:19

I'm surprised there's no class WhatsApp, I have found these invaluable for my two. Could you offer to set one up? One of the organised mums put a notice with her number on the class whiteboard to organise it. All parties are organised via this, as well as reminding eachother about dress up days etc. It's how the PSA communicate with parents via the class reps.

Lochness1975 · 08/11/2023 21:25

I remember when ds18 started reception, 4 weeks in there was a party, invites sent out a week after starting school. It was a huge hall with bouncy castle, loads of food- we were the only school friend to turn up. There was also two children who were relations who attended. I felt so sorry for the birthday girl. Other parents I spoke to simply forgot about it.

Samlewis96 · 08/11/2023 21:26

Figmentof · 08/11/2023 20:26

Well of course the teachers are not going to give you a list of pupils names! You ask your child for their friends names, a four year old is perfectly capable of knowing names and if she doesn’t know somebody’s name then she doesn’t need to invite them.

I would imagine that the parents are not sure if the invites were for them as they have no name on them. And you do sound condescending to other parents as apparently you think they wouldn’t know what RSVP means a

Show quote history

Hmm and what if the 4 year old has speech or other learning issues that they can't tell you the names of other kids? No party for them?

LeedsMum87 · 08/11/2023 21:30

Wait until the actual RSVP date and if still no replies then cancel it then. You might still get some replies beforehand.

karpouzi · 08/11/2023 21:52

Oh god! I hate when that happens. I wouldn’t say anything to be honest and I would silently cancel the party. And if somebody text you on the day where are you etc. You will say that your DC is unwell and you informed the parents that had RSVP. No need to say nobody responded etc neither to go ahead and disappoint your DC if noone comes. With regards to your DC, has he asked the classmates anything about the party? Maybe tell him that the venue had to cancel so you ll do something fun together!

Kiki880 · 08/11/2023 21:55

Oh god, this gives me flashbacks to my wedding OP. That was a nightmare chasing RSVPs for so I’m not surprised with this when it’s for a kid’s party.

I’d try to make sure I am at pick up to see the kids with their parents. Or a relative etc.

BungleandGeorge · 08/11/2023 22:05

You’re moaning but your rsvp date is not for another 4 days (which is only a few days before the party). Why did you do that if you wanted to know sooner? Honestly it is so irritating when people chase before the rsvp date, rsvp means please respond by the date, if you want or need to know earlier put an earlier date. There’s nothing you can do now but patiently wait and then make a decision the day after the rsvp date

JBright · 08/11/2023 22:47

How about this, it’s a bit random. You could not remind DD about the party. On the morning, make your way there without DD to see if anyone comes. If anyone does turn up go back and collect her and take her to her “surprise” party. If no one shows then just go home and have a nice day with your DD.

Cowhen · 08/11/2023 22:49

NoThanksymm · 08/11/2023 19:03

You asked for an RSVP, so I don’t think you would be a bad guy for canceling, even if people showed up.

if you can’t get your money back for the deposit then I’d just invite adult friends and family, people who love your kid.

This. They would only have themselves to blame.

Nannajean · 08/11/2023 23:04

How did you send the invitation...are you sure they were received...maybe check that with one parent

SandyWaves · 08/11/2023 23:40

RSVP deadline is tomorrow i believe?

Can you update us OP?

Bournetilly · 08/11/2023 23:51

Will the teacher really not hand out a follow up invite? This happened to me and 2 out of 15 replied so I sent a follow up invite and I think all but 1 replied (saw everyone get them so no idea why they didn’t reply), most people said they didn’t receive the original invite but some apologised for not replying so probably forgot.

It is rude.

If not I agree to take some invites after the rsvp deadline and hand them out, just say I’m not sure if you got this. If your daughter is set on a party I’d hand them out to the parents of the boys aswell.

nanamoo · 09/11/2023 00:20

Why not ask your kid to point out the kids that they wanted at the party and then approach their parent that way?

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 09/11/2023 01:02

I think its strange that nobody has replied tbh.

In my experience, there will always be one who doesn't reply - the blatantly rude parent but there's always one. But its odd if there is more than one. Are you sure the teacher handed them out? In my kid's school, kids are not allowed to give out invitations unless all the class are invited?

Its a tricky one because you will be billed for a certain amount of kids whether they turn up or not. I'd hand out another set of invitations tomorrow and scribble a note that you hadn't received any replies and were wondering if they could let you know if x was planning to attend?

Beautiful3 · 09/11/2023 07:45

At first I thought that these parents probably haven't seen these invites, stuck in the their bags with newsletters. However I realise that you gave them out before half term. Everyone I know, empties their kids bags during the holidays. If I haven't heard anything 3 days after the rsvp date, I'd give them a "sorry the party's cancelled due to zero confirmations" note. Hope your child has a lovely birthday. Sorry people can be ignorant arseholes, they'll soon realise their mistake when they're planning their own child's birthday!

vickylou78 · 09/11/2023 09:40

Has the rsvp date passed now Op? Any replies yet?

Velvetdragon13 · 09/11/2023 12:13

Wow, what a pickle. Not kind of other parents to at least contact and say no!

I would not recommend cancelling the party as your child will likely be looking forward to it and without any confirmative responses, you could have people show up anyway.

What you could do is wait on the day, if nobody shows up ask your child if they would like to go out to buy a toy and mcdonalds or whatever their favourite eat out place is. Don't buy any food, if they do show up, order some pizza.

Solibear · 09/11/2023 12:51

You’ve had lots of replies about the party dilemma, but I also just wanted to say, I totally understand that you have no interest in getting to know the other parents yourself (I’m the same), but this isn’t about you - these first couple of years of school are when their friendships will form that will last through the whole of primary school, maybe even some lifelong friendships forged. I’m nearly 40 now and still very clearly remember when I was in primary school never getting picked for teams, never having anyone wanting to sit with me, always wondering why everyone else was having sleepovers and generally having fun outside of school together and me not being involved, and it’s because my parents didn’t make an effort for me. As uncomfortable as it may make you, as parents of young children, we need to make an effort to help them build some of these relationships

hookiewookie29 · 09/11/2023 13:32

Our school will let you put a note on the classroom door as they come out saying " All those who have been invited to xxxx party on.....please rsvp by ( date) or a place won't be saved for them". It works well!
Or cancel the party and put a note on the doorsaying " All those invited
to xxxx party please note it has now been cancelled due to lack of responses'
I got sick and tired of parents not replying, the stress made me mad.My kids birthdays are 9 days apart, chasing rsvps was a nightmare and after a couple of years of it, I stopped doing parties altogether!
It's just rude of people not to reply.

CeeCee2022 · 09/11/2023 20:55

I can only empathise with your situation. My sons bday party is on Saturday and I sent out over 40 invites and have only received 8 RSVPS. I was really worrying about it until another parent in his class told me last year she got 5 RSVPS but had 18 children turn up. Hope you manage to get in touch with some of them to see if any are coming it would be a shame to have to cancel

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 09/11/2023 21:12

Solibear · 09/11/2023 12:51

You’ve had lots of replies about the party dilemma, but I also just wanted to say, I totally understand that you have no interest in getting to know the other parents yourself (I’m the same), but this isn’t about you - these first couple of years of school are when their friendships will form that will last through the whole of primary school, maybe even some lifelong friendships forged. I’m nearly 40 now and still very clearly remember when I was in primary school never getting picked for teams, never having anyone wanting to sit with me, always wondering why everyone else was having sleepovers and generally having fun outside of school together and me not being involved, and it’s because my parents didn’t make an effort for me. As uncomfortable as it may make you, as parents of young children, we need to make an effort to help them build some of these relationships

This! I absolutely cba with all the playground chit-chat stuff, but I made an effort because it wasn't about me. My DC are in their 20s and are still close friends with the children they met when they were 5, partly because I made the effort. Some of their friends date back even further, to playgroups (where, again, I cba but did it anyway).

Funnily, I also made some lifelong friends that way, to my surprise, so it was a win-win.

Don't just write it off, OP.

Wintersun9 · 10/11/2023 00:45

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 09/11/2023 21:12

This! I absolutely cba with all the playground chit-chat stuff, but I made an effort because it wasn't about me. My DC are in their 20s and are still close friends with the children they met when they were 5, partly because I made the effort. Some of their friends date back even further, to playgroups (where, again, I cba but did it anyway).

Funnily, I also made some lifelong friends that way, to my surprise, so it was a win-win.

Don't just write it off, OP.

Show quote history

My parents cba with playground chitchat resulting in me being the same way. It didn't affect my childhood friendships in any way whatsoever & neither did it affect my DCs friendships when I decided to take a step back from enforced liaisons. If parents decide who their young children can be friends with & worse when its according to who their parents get along with, I find this quite sad. I have fond memories of playground friendships but in no way do I feel deprived because I like them moved on. My messsge to parents is don't stress about your child's friendships, just let them happen & take their lead.

SpendingTooLongThinkingOfAUsername · 10/11/2023 09:05

Are you completely sure there is no FB group? I have 6 kids and every year someone (ok, a lot of the time it was me but other people have done a some too) have set up FB groups before reception class started and shared into the local community group saying "if your child is starting at X school in September join this group so we can all get to know each other". Do a search on FB for "School Name reception class" or similar and see if there are any groups for it.

I can't imagine not having a class FB group, they are invaluable for lots of things but especially situations like this

Wintersun9 · 11/11/2023 00:10

SpendingTooLongThinkingOfAUsername · 10/11/2023 09:05

Are you completely sure there is no FB group? I have 6 kids and every year someone (ok, a lot of the time it was me but other people have done a some too) have set up FB groups before reception class started and shared into the local community group saying "if your child is starting at X school in September join this group so we can all get to know each other". Do a search on FB for "School Name reception class" or similar and see if there are any groups for it.

I can't imagine not having a class FB group, they are invaluable for lots of things but especially situations like this

Agree 'they are invaluable' in many respects.
This still doesn't take into account the mums who whatever reason their faces just don't fit. I've seen mums in tears because she's been stone walled in WhatsApp groups so to my mind although I agree with it being helpful in many respects I also feel groups like this can be detrimental if your deemed to be not part of the cabal

BoredAuditor · 11/11/2023 11:09

Any news OP?