Birthday party ignorance

[superdupernamechange]

Long story short -
I sent out birthday invites over a week ago to the children invited to my child's 5th birthday party. (Let's say around 15 children were invited)
The invites were a bit badly put together (printed them myself) but I included the information -
"(Insert name here)'s birthday party"
"Date and location"
"Time of party"
"Phone number - any questions please ask" (yes I definitely wrote the phone number down correctly)
"Please RSVP by (insert date) with name of child and whether you are able to attend, thank you."
It's been over a week now and I have not had a single reply.
There is only a few days left until the RSVP date.
I'm unable to chase the matter up with most of the parents, for a number of reasons. (Silly reasons, but I am unable to nonetheless)

Would it be unreasonable of me to cancel the party if I receive no replies by the RSVP date?
This seems like the most logical thing to do.

My worry with this is that people will still turn up, even having not bothered to respond. They will then be met with no party and I will be the bad guy at the school gates for letting their children down.

On the other hand, why would I go ahead with something that quite possibly nobody will turn up to. I don't want them to think the world revolves around them, and that I will go ahead with it even with no responses.

What would you do?
This is my first time planning something like this and I am really stuck for what to do.
Thanks.

I am this position but reply and say "I have passed this on to DC dad, let me know if he doesn't reply and I'll remind him!"... Because yeah, he didn't seem to get that it was crap not to reply!

That's fine in your case but that wasn't appropriate in my case - I would not have been able to remind my ex without a row and receiving abuse.

Sometimes I forget. I have 3 kids, 2 primary school age and 1 Yr 7 so lots of invites. I also work shifts and nights and husband works long hours. It just sometimes slips my mind. It’s crazy how much mental load there is with kids, I have 3 different schools to deal with and lots of after school clubs and sometimes party invites just slip my mind.
I know it’s not great but I simply can’t put parties at the top of the list. When I work lots of weekends it’s not as simple to know that I’ll be off work to take them to parties. Parents have lots going on these days. You will just have to introduce yourself at the school yard and ask if they are coming.

Same. My ex was and remains vile. Although the our family wizard app has somewhat improved things.

For me it was more about ensuring the inviting parent at least had a response of sorts, building relationships with school parents and also meaning I had their contacts for when my child's party came round

That’s the reality of school parties. Just invite a few of your friends kids and family and it’ll balance out.

You need to get hold of their numbers and message - I just don't think you can rely on paper invites having found their way into the parents hand. Is there really not a WhatsApp class group? If not you need to do a pick up and grab a word with a few of the parents - just be friendly and say your a bit in limbo not knowing if invites made it out or not can they come and do they know how to easily get hold of everyone else.

I had a very similar situation with my daughters 5th birthday. Got no responses from school apart from the teaching assistants daughter, still went ahead with party as she had her two cousins coming. Had 16 turn up on the day!

based on your responses to the replies you already have, reads to me like you’re looking for permission to cancel. So here you go, you may cancel your daughters birthday party if you get no rsvps.
personally I’d try to save the party by talking to the mums at drop off and pick up. Just use you eyes and look for the ones who are with girls.

Oh god arranging parties is so stressful. I, like you, tend to respond pretty much straight away, but I know the majority of people don’t. I would expect at least some will RSVP by the date given though, I would think it’s pretty strange if no one does. I have been in your position a few times, then to receive an influx of responses a few days before the party.
personally I would definitely approach some of the parents though if you don’t hear soon, as I really wouldn’t want to disappoint my child. But from experience I’m sure they will respond eventually.

If you want your child to have a party, you need t work on that.

If an invitation that is "badly put together" and does not have my child's name was put into the school bag just before the half term break, I would most likely ignore it even if found.

Ok so here’s the thing.

If you handed the invitations out a week ago and the party is in a week then that’s very short notice. Especially if it’s in the middle
of the day on a weekend, kids usually have hobbies, older siblings commitments, parents might be working etc. I usually hand out party invitations 6-8 weeks before the party. I give people a week or so and if I don’t hear anything I ask them in person. I know most parents now as my children are a little older but recently there was one I didn’t know and I just asked my son to point the little boy out in the playground. He did, so I approached the parent and introduced myself. I make it my business to know the parents of all my children’s friends, especially since they are primary aged.

I don’t know why you are so reluctant to speak to anyone. You really should make the effort to know these people. It will benefit you and your child no end. Also, the fact that you’ve sent out invitations and are probably stood in silence next to one of the parents at pick up or drop off could be considered rude and ignorant and the parents won’t want to bring their child to the party of someone who won’t speak to them especially since they’re new to school and don’t have established friendships yet.

Also, regarding WhatsApp group. There will be one because there will have been one created when the children were in nursery. Did your child go to the school nursery? You don’t know about it because you don’t speak to anyone so they can’t add you.

you are doing yourself and your child a disservice by refusing to get to know parents. School is literally your child’s whole life, they are there every single day, if you refuse to participate in any of this you and your child will miss out.

I find that most school friends don’t rsvp until the rsvp date as parents don’t want to commit to a birthday party until they are sure of their own plans. I always invite a couple of my friends children plus a cousin which means we know we will have a minimum of three guests normally.

oh yes we know the dilemna!
did you ever talk to any of the parents you invited their children of? If you did, talk again and see if they bring it up...

You said 5 years old, so the first year of school? I would tread carefully as you don’t want to upset other parents who would not answer your RSVP but still bring their children and a gift to find closed doors... they will remember the following year...

i would also make sure to have other friends children coming (as your child might not have had the time to create strong friendships and the parents to hear about you so much as of yet.) Then you are sure that someone is coming and that is what you are afraid of for your child of course.

so...ultimately, you can’t cancel so invite extras with whom your child will have a blast. Don’t look at the numbers...very likely your child won’t remember that at all!

OP, I'm afraid there are lots of really, really shit bits of being a parent. Socialising with your children's classmates' parents is one shit bit that you absolutely have to suck up if you want to avoid this kind of problem.

For all you know, they don't want "mum friends" either. They might also dread standing around in the playground. They might be "glued to their phones" to spare themselves the awfulness of having to make small talk with other mothers with whom they have fuck all in common, other than children in the same class. Some of them might be rude and standoffish and unpleasant.
But there might also be women whom you don't know yet but who are interesting and funny and whom you'd actually like to talk to in any other situation.

Don't write everyone off as rubbish just because they are "school mums". Even if you try to strike up a conversation and you fail, it doesn't matter. What matters is for your child to feel happy and integrated in her class. If you can bring yourself to do this, you won't be wondering about things like party invitations, because you'll be able to just say "oi, Jill, you haven't replied yet. Is Jane coming to Sarah's party or not? I need to know for numbers".

It was not my favourite part of parenting young children, but you have to do it for your child. I also meet some absolutely brilliant people that way, contrary to my expectations.

BTW, not everyone checks their children's book bags. Some people have several children. I used to check PFB's bag and more or less put the contents in a glass case when he first went to school, but DC5 (and I mean that in the old-fashioned MN sense, not the sense of "DC who is aged 5") would to and fro with all kinds of unread crap in her bag. Fortunately a party-giving parent would just ask me whether I'd seen the invitation and whether Jemima was coming or not.

I think, hard as it might be for you, you need to start connecting with your kid's friends' parents. On a chitchat level at least.
In my experience of 3 kids' parties, many parents didn't RSVP. Many didn't have English as their first language but their kids knew what to do and turned up anyway!
Please don't cancel the party.

I find it really hard to believe that not 1 parent out of 15 has send a response either way
are you sure you put the correct phone number?

Well quire a few mistakes made here. I'd have just asked dd to write down 9 names of children which plus her would give me the minimum 10 I need to reserve a soft play party. Invites need to be named unless you don't care who comes. I always want to know names and numbers. I need to know who I'm potentially looking after because some people will drop off in reception but most won't. I still want to know who I'm inviting.

It's not your fault you didn't realise that invites languish in bags. I try and instill independence in my dc so have always asked them to take lunch box out and fetch own reading book so wouldn't see something left in the bottom of a bag. I rely on my dc wanting to go to party so asking me.

I've usually got my dc to chase up the invites. Before now I've sent in hand written notes to stragglers to chase up invites and got my dc to harangue the child in question. Tell then they can't come if they don't pester their mum to reply.

I plan parties well in advance so no one wants to reply until well after rsvp date and even then get drop outs on the day. People are flakey. Also very rude. I'd never go to a party without RSVPing.

Your best bet is to be really proactive at drop off and pick up. Get there early. Have spare invites. Get your dd to point out class mates. Hand them to parents. Ger dd to hand them to parents. If there are some girls at before and after school clubs that's tough. At least you will have spoken to some people and made party known.

All else fails take some preschool friends. Do you have any children you know? Take them. When children turn up who didn't rsvp you might have to turn them away but that's what you're doing by cancelling. Tell the mum they'd be welcome to pay the child in but the party itself is full with those who RSVPed. Apologise that you needed numbers in advance.

Maybe check her bag every evening when she gets home? 😒

@superdupernamechange
“I just want to add I won't cancel without a word, I would definitely find a way to get the word out at least a week before party”
But if you can do that, why can’t you speak to the relevant people about whether or not they’ll be attending? I honestly don’t understand why you’re making so many excuses/difficulties to approach the parents (you can see parents collecting daughters or just ask your own DC) but you have no issue about letting people know it’s cancelled. How would that be easier?

In my experience this is really rude and inconsiderate but also seems quite typical that parents don't reply.

Then most of them actually will turn up on the day and several will have siblings in tow who they expect to go to your party too even though you didn't invite them.

You have my sympathy OP. Lots of people deal with this by organising the type of party where numbers can be flexed easily on the day but even then it's a PITA if you want to do party bags for example.

People desperately need to get some basic good manners.

I do however think that your child's experience of primary school will be a lot better if you get to know at least some of your fellow parents.

So she literally doesn't have any friends apart from school friends and you don't know any of their parents even to know which child is theirs? You sound extremely unsociable....it's hard to believe you don't know any mums with a child around your daughter's age. What did she do for 5 years before starting school? Just stay home? Moreover your child doesn't know the names of her friends. I think most reception kids by this point can name a good number of the class, surely

Even my extremely anti social partner who hides in the shed rather than greet visitors knows the parents of several of my daughter's friends. He'd rather not speak to them but he knows who they are.

The whole party invitation thing can be such a stress. I usually try to message straight away but I have forgotten or replied at the last minute - just through sheer forgetfulness/not top of list of priorities.

I have also found very few people reply until closer to the time. I even had a parent message me 6 months after my sons birthday party to apologise as she’d only just found the invitation in her sons school bag!!

Send follow up invitations if you can - hand them out yourself. It will give you the opportunity to break the ice with some of these parents.

How is a list of first names breaching gdpr? You can get the names by asking the child - it's not a secret. Home addresses or phone numbers different obviously

You would need an enormous house for 30 children plus their mum ...or even half the class plus mum. Our house wouldn't fit 15 kids even if parents didn't stay. I think it's a small minority with sufficient space for a whole class party at home during winter

Maybe ask your daughter to ask her friends in class if they are coming to her party ..? It should give you a fair idea of who’s likely to turn up. OR…. Make the effort , hard as it may be, to speak to the parents yourself ..? Introduce yourself as …’mom etc etc.