To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

I’ve never checked messages; but I think if I had the time again (DD nearly 16 now and DS is 19) I would have checked until around 13-14. My mum massively invaded my privacy and I think that led me to decide not to, never been any issues but I think young kids need protection from the big bad world

This.

My 13 year old was arranging with friends how much money to all chip in to buy weed and Xanax.

He said it was invading his privacy, I said it was damage limitation and avoiding trouble with the police. I pointed out that as the plan included selling it to other friends, basically it made them drug dealers.

She might be deleting messages anyway?

I was up to the weirdest stuff on the internet when I was 13-16 - back when those anon chat rooms were a thing. I would be horrified if my mother looked at any of that! I have turned out to be completely normal and just have hilarious memories of conversations with weird internet people (who could have been creepy men in their basements but just as likely other 13 year old girls).

I think better just to instil good judgement and clear rules and ensure your kids know all the cautionary tales of exactly why you don’t send a nude with your face in it, and why you should never share porn etc.

I just don’t think checking a phone is necessary if you’ve done the work to ensure your child has good judgement and check in with them lots, really explain and constantly remind that everything said online these days is traceable, explain what bullying looks like and feels like and what to do etc.

Actually looking on their phones is so icky and infantilising a teenager who will be an independent adult very soon.

I could never do it unless there were huge red flags and it was an emergency check for their safety or another teen’s.

Ds11 received a child porn image from an unknown number ( i deleted it and reported to police). And a video of a kitten being killed. So i absolutely will keep on checking his messages for quite some time.
Its about protection. And i let all the other bits slide like swearing etc..so that he knows its ok to let me check.

I check my 12 year old daughter’s phone every single night (if I have the energy). She knows. It’s a non negotiable I’m afraid.

I think better just to instil good judgement and clear rules and ensure your kids know all the cautionary tales of exactly why you don’t send a nude with your face in it, and why you should never share porn etc.

Do you think people who check phones just don't bother doing that as well?

Exactly.

You assume they’re safe because they’re sitting on the sofa in your living room. Meanwhile they’re being bullied by ‘friends’, pressured to send nudes and exposed to all sorts of shit.

You don’t give your child the talk about crossing the road safely and not talking to strangers and then let them out unsupervised at all hours. You gradually allow them more freedom, give them rules about where they can go and when, keep an eye on the people they’re hanging around with and still expect them to let you know their general whereabouts when they’re older teens. You can’t just hand them a smartphone, dole out internet safety advice and feel your work is done.

I just don’t think checking a phone is necessary if you’ve done the work to ensure your child has good judgement and check in with them lots, really explain and constantly remind that everything said online these days is traceable, explain what bullying looks like and feels like and what to do etc.

Making errors of judgement is part of growing up. Teenagers brains are still developing and if anything they’re more likely to mess up than 10 or 11 year olds. They can get in over their heads so easily.

I checked my DS phone to start with, gradually reduced and now at 13.5, I have completely stopped. Maybe it depends on the child, but everything on his phone was completely inane drivel between teens. I don't have time for checking that kind of rubbish!

Totally. At 13 my parents were “monitoring” my phone use because it was plugged in the hallway next to the living room! There was not some private communication method that parents checking their children’s mobiles are taking away…

Olly Stephen's parents have said that they regret not checking his phone. If they had, it might have saved his life.

An extreme circumstance, but children are groomed and manipulated online every day and as parents we have the responsibility of helping our children navigate their lives on and offline.

Perhaps read the full thread. And clearly that mum did it without her child’s consent - which is where the issue lies, not with the checking.

When I was 13 myself and friends were absolutely obsessed with sex and had all sorts of amazing private jokes, but we all understood how to stay safe and made it through teenage years unscathed.

Maybe the internet is drastically changed from how it was 15 years ago but I really don’t see the added benefit of actually reading the content of your teenagers phone every night is apart from being extremely nosy.

If you have good lines of communication open and they are always reminded of the various dangers, then you shouldn’t have to read their phones.

If they’re potentially being bullied or you notice red flags then that’s a different story, but the idea that it’s a regular thing would just prevent them from having a private world/life - which they should be free to develop from age 13+

Same. I grew up with early social media and phones, and I got myself in a terrible terrible mess.

Personally I dont think 13 years olds whose parents are paying for their contract should expect privacy. If they know and expect parents to check their phone then they should be mindful if their behaviour. No different to work emails being accessible by the company IMO.

Informed by my personal experience of what I was up to on my phone at that age. Thank God i couldn't send pictures.

@beetr00 how would I have felt at 13? Outraged. Because I was caught sexting my 15 year old boyfriend. Thank God we didnt have the internet or proper picture services.

I don’t think you are alive to the fairly terrifying landscape social media presents to teens these days. It’s an entirely different ballgame.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-67177327.amp

This should not ever be considered “part of growing up”

You as a parent are there to protect your child until they are mature enough. 13 is not mature enough.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/481135090640375/?cmsplatform=android

Google cloud backup.

They don't have Snapchat.

Please check your kids phones. My daughter knows I have the right to check. I also explain to her that EVERYTHING she says on WhatsApp can be screenshotted and shared around.
Her best friends mom found explicit porn messages from men all over the world on her 12 year olds phone. This isn't about snooping, it's protecting vulnerable kids

I reserved the right to check phones until my DC were 16. Which basically meant that I wouldn't, because I'm not interested in young teenage in jokes and silliness - but it was always very clear that if I had a serious concern, it was a non-negotiable. When I had a serious concern, I did check the phone of the relevant DC, and it showed that I was 100% right. It ended up with the police.

Sone of these replies are shocking.
Police, schools and social care are dealing with the issues of kids having access to phones on a daily basis. Bullying, online grooming and childhood sexual exploitation happen regardless of what school your child attends or where you live.
At 13 many children are not equipped to deal with what having a phone can entail. They are children. The phone is not really theirs as it is paid for by a parent. I am not sure what magically happens at 13 to make them immune to the above.
Our school encourages checking phones
I check my 12 try olds phone regularly. Not because I don't trust her, but I don't trust other people.
Giving a child a phone via which they can be bullied, or be involved in bullying, groomed or worse without monitoring it is in my opinion a really bad idea.
It is not an invasion of privacy. It is part of responsible parenting.
I wonder how many parents who don't check their childrens phone who have been groomed, bullied online or worse would say they wouldn't check it if they could turn the clock back....not many I bet.

I think it has drastically changed - a lot of social media barely existed back then. And all these new avenues have encouraged changes in the way we communicate, as well as providing opportunities for predators that we couldn’t have imagined. Even as a single adult woman I can see how people’s behaviour has changed on say dating apps in the last 5-10 - dramatically for the worse. I didn’t get deluged with dick pics back in the days of MySpace and My Single Friend!

But also the OP is not talking about checking it every night, she specifically said that it would be from time to time as necessary.

I don't anymore at 15&12, the 12 year old only just. But I have a complete amnesty on anything they show me, or tell me has happened. If they see something inappropriate or say anything themselves the know to come to me.

I think it works, we talk about internet use, social media a lot. Obviously there might be things they don't come to me with, but they know if they do, even if they were in the wrong, I will never make things worse for them than they are, if that makes sense.