To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

No I wouldn't check a 13 year olds Whatsapp conversations. Do you really think they wouldn't delete anything they didn't want their parents to see?

I'd hope they would know they could discuss anything dodgy or they were concerned about with me. Without me having to snoop.

I do check DD’s (nearly 13) every now and again. It’s the responsible thing to do imo.

Not checking your teens phone when under the age of 16 is honestly negligent.

^ This. It’s not an invasion of privacy when they know you can/will check. It’s basic safeguarding.

I am not sure some posters understand the definition of "snooping" 😂

It's making me giggle 😂

All these people saying they will just delete it, oh they use Snapchat so you can’t see anything anyway.

1. You can stop them downloading Snapchat. Or anything that might pose a risk. You’re the parent. That’s in your power as part of your safeguarding responsibilities.
2. You can get apps that monitor messages. We use FamiSafe, there are others too. We get notified about any messages with questionable content. Again to me this is basic safeguarding of my child.

I really think in future this current generation will be very angry about the passivity with which their parents allowed them access to social media with so few safeguards. It can be so harmful. As a minimum it is addictive. Parenting is sometimes about making decisions your child doesn’t like but which keep them safe. DD has already expressed gratitude that when chats have got a bit out of hand she can say ‘btw my mum checks my messages’. She knows she can blame me any time she needs to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

The agreement on this house is while I'm paying the bill and ultimately responsible for keeping her safe then I will do occasional spot checks on her entire phone. Sometimes she's not happy (mainly when messages show her swearing like a docker thinking it'll impress a boy ) but overall she accepts this and knows why I'm doing it.

She was actually being bullied digitally within a so call friendship group this time last year and I hadn't realised the extent until I read the WhatsApp messages. The venom and nastiness was relentless. An absolute pile on all because of a disagreement she had with the self appointed Alpha (I shit ye not, the little turd actually referred to himself as this). I screenshot the lot but luckily she handled it and it blew over.

But yes. I think if we don't check from time to time we're not adequately safeguarding

I only got the idea of needing to check phones on here, but I think it's a good idea, if you're upfront about it so your kid knows it's part of the deal.

My DD is 12 and in Y7. I occasionally ask to check the massive WhatsApp groups that she is on (e.g. whole-year ones), and I do it while she's in the room so it's not secretive. She says "it's all just nonsense mum" and so far she's right - however another group that her friend is on had a link to an execution video the other day.

I don't currently check the WhatsApp chat with her close friends, as she already tells me about any drama and low-level bullying, but I would ask to check that (openly) if I thought it was needed.

The mums who are not checking are responsible for so much heartache, bullying and pain.

Of course, we check. Not all messages, not all the time, spotchecks basically, but we take a look and boy am I glad we do. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that is being said. Or boys getting hold of dd's number and texting wanting to meet up pressurizing her, girls who bully other girls, racist bullying on the form group and much more. I am also teaching my dc to never ever get involved in any online argument or express strong opinions via SM. Everything and anything can and is being screenshot or archived these days. If they don't want their grandparents or teacher to read it, do not send it. I am also teaching them good etiquette and being articulate and polite within the realms of the medium they're using.

It's neglectful parenting to not keep an eye. The deal in our house that the phones belong to us but our dc are allowed to use them. Even though they enjoy using their mobiles, they can never and have never been able to claim their phone as THEIRS and throw a strop.

I wouldn't read the messages at 16 but 100% until then. YANBU. You are parenting and being responsible.

She was 12 btw when phone first given. She's 15 now and I do still check but probably only every few months or if I sense something isn't right.

I'll keep making this less frequent over the next 12 months I guess until I probably stop when she hits 16.

YANBU. I stopped reading DD’s when she got into year 9 and graduated from WhatsApp to Snapchat, which was simply too difficult to monitor. Also, it started to feel like I was invading her friends’ privacy. When they were younger it didn’t bother me so much, but as some of them began to mature more quickly than others it became obvious that there are just some things I didn’t need to know. DD and I have a very open relationship and we discuss all sorts, so I’m not too concerned about what I might not be privy to anymore.

I do still go through her camera roll occasionally though.

I have never read any of my kids' WhatsApp messages. It's an awful invasion of privacy, will destroy trust and make them more sneaky. Just be there, non judgementally if she needs to talk and trust her!

I absolutely get this will happen

But sometimes as in our experience it's not just what they are up to but what others say in a message exchange

At 13 that's not on

You talk about how to be safe and what to do if something is going on but you don't read.

Yes. A teen close to me has been caught up in some very nasty sexual stuff via message. Her parents wished they'd checked more as we are dealing with a horrible situation now and we don't think we know even half of what's gone on

How can it destroy trust @Blackalice? My dc know we check the messages sporadically. It fosters trust in our case. We never have a go at them, we discuss and guide, as parents that's our duty. But your children may be bullying others and you would never know. And yes, even the Naicest girls from the Naicest families with the most middle class parents bully on social media. All. The. Time.

I think this is very different to a diary as phones give our kids access to all sorts of stuff and not all of it - or the people - is good

She does have a diary she writes in regularly and I wouldn't look at that

I would never read their diary, they all have diaries, I wouldn't touch them. Online communication on the other hand, of course we supervise this.

At this age YANBU. I thought I would with oldest's phone when they got it but tbh they've only been in touch with close friends and, on my advice and that of other people, have stayed off class or, God forbid, year group chats which can get toxic as hell.

Checking phones is absolutely fine and recommended for young people with phones.
If that's the condition to have a phone then they have a choice don't they.

I would always be open and check the phone with them. Also ask before the phone check if there's anything you might find that you need to discuss.

I don't agree at all it's an invasion of privacy and once you've worked with young teens downloading Tinder and sending explicit videos to random blokes on Snapchat pretending to be school kids you get wise to the risks out there.

I really think in future this current generation will be very angry about the passivity with which their parents allowed them access to social media with so few safeguards.

Their parents are too busy tapping away on their own phones.

I checked dd's phone when she was younger - that was the agreement that we had in place when she first got it, and I think I probably continued to check until she was around 13/14, though the checks increasingly became less frequent as time went on. I stopped at the point I was confident that she was mature enough to manage the phone sensibly by herself.

I must confess, I'm a little bit surprised at the people who say that they are still checking (daily in some cases?!) phones at 16... that seems like a huge invasion of privacy to me. Equally, though, I'm shocked by the people who leave very young kids to use their phones without any supervision at all. I think a happy medium is required here!!

Nope you aren't being unreasonable at all. They're children, and it's a difficult thing to navigate.
After some of the things I come across in WhatsApp groups, I wish that more parents would check their kids phones every now and then!

Agree with this

I checked sporadically. It the deal in our household - I pay for their phones. My children are fine about it and the youngest in particular knows I do it to protect them.

But to be honest I hardly check now as was ok with how they used their phones and Apps. But would do if a change of mood/behaviour etc.
I work with young people and see some horrific stuff like sending nudes, bullying, grooming etc. If you are open with your young person on mobile phone responsibilities then it's not snooping.