To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

When they got the phones I told them I look now and again. Usually once they are in bed tbh.
Our secondary asked parents to delete snap chat and check phones. There has been a huge issue around kids self harming and bullying and sadly suicide

I think in some ways you are wasting time as if something she doesn't want you to see she will of just got in habit of deleting messages before you check.
I think it's more important to 1slty teach what is appropriate 2ndly what to do/who to go to if someone messages them they don't want 3rdly keep settings private and lastly foster a relationship where they know they can talk to you.

I retain the right to check. I'm bloody glad I have occasionally as is my daughter. Sm is too much for such you minds and they easily start normalising really toxic situations.
The 'gross invasion of privacy' argument is very convenient for the hands off parenting style but it rarely serves anyone well.
My 3 have always known that sm is a dangerous place and they need help navigating it sometimes.

I still check my kids phones at 13. That's the deal if they want a phone. DD knows I would never read her diary and she has privacy. Phones are not private. Kids need protecting. It works for us. She tells me if any friends send her anything she doesn't think it appropriate anyway. I've also shown my DCs videos of how algorithms work and how Tik Tok in the UK is targeted to dumb down our young people. Educate and protect kids from the dangers of social media. Anybody just leaving their young teens to it, is asking for trouble.

It was fine when she was in year 6 but not now. I’d stop once they got to high school.

No have never done this. If she was displaying some worrying behaviour, school refusal and being very secretive you may have a case, but not if she's happy and thriving.

You're very irresponsible

Checking messages is fine as that’s the stuff that can get screenshot and shared around the school. If they want privacy they can call each other.

Surely it’s more important to check in secondary school not less?

The reason is parenting 🙄

There is a certain way that teens use Snapchat for example they don't open and then not snap back - that's really rude. So if you're just opening their snaps and saving them or something then the other teens will likely know it's not their mate looking at them.

I went to school with two girls who were outwardly 'thriving' who I later learned got groomed by older men on chatrooms, just because a child seems fine doesn't mean everything IS fine. Please check their phones.

I think there's a big difference between 'agreeing with your child that you reserve the right to check their phone at any time if you're concerned', and 'routinely checking up on them to see what they've been chatting to their mates about'. Most parents I know have the former agreement rather than the latter.

By the way, your child can delete her WhatsApp conversations, and I suspect she will delete them if she knows you're planning to read them. So you may just be encouraging more secrecy. It's such a minefield and I don't think there's necessarily a right way to deal with it.

Checking the phone of a 13yo is part of parenting. I'd do it when she's asleep. You have already warned her about checks. I don't check my teens' phones anymore. Nearly 16 and 17.

I think play it by ear. My dc are too old now to be checked, but we always had the understanding that their phones were subject to a quick flick through. We had an open phone philosophy, where we had each other's passwords and could potentially use each other's phones, rather than it being a snoop type thing. Anyone who says it is a huge invasion of privacy want to hear what my dc have told me about what other kids get up to on their phones; believe me, a bit of parental "invasion of privacy" would have saved them from a whole lot of trouble.

Thanks for all the replies. I read the first couple with horror - thought I was doing something terrible, but it's good to read the more balanced opinions coming through.
To answer a couple of questions - the reason I do it is because we hear so much publicity / education on the dangers of social media. Also, although my daughter has a fabulous and long-standing friendship group - it does occasionally become a bit of a "boiling pot" for emotions and over-reactions - as is normal for girls!! My daughter is pretty sensible and we talk openly about lots of things, but I also know how easy it is to get pulled into trouble / high-intensity when online.
She mainly uses WhatsApp and is in a lot of different groups. Some of the bigger ones involve the whole class, and when she was still in primary school, someone did send some porn over a class-wide group. This was pulled-up (not by me, as it happens) and reported to the school.
She does not have Snapchat or TikTok - but she does view TikTok videos on YouTube. She also plays games like Roblox, where you can talk to others, but she knows very well not to share anything with people she doesn't know in real life. She also recently installed Instagram, but doesn't really use it (and I'm a follower of hers anyway).
We use Google Family Link, where I can monitor her screen time / apps used etc.

My sons always knew that I would check their phones from time to time.

At 13 I think it's reasonable to monitor any group chats and I think it is reasonable that she understands that you will read her messages IF you have a reason to be concerned but not as standard and that there is an element of trust there that you will only look if you have a concern but she accepts you can do that.

I wouldn't be reading her individual messages to friends just randomly, unless to monitor a group chat.

13 is still too young to have unmonitored internet / phone use

I stopped checking DDs phone when she was about 14.

At some point you have to trust them to come and talk to you of something happens they are worried about. You teach them about risk, about what to do and what not to do.

Young people can (and do) delete stuff from their phones, so if you are checking and don’t see anything you may be lulling yourself into a false sense of security

We had one incident.. which started with her saying “you know we talked about grooming” we dealt with it.

I dont have a child in their early teens but I work in a Police control room & you wouldn't believe the number of calls we get from parents who have discovered potential grooming, bullying & inappropriate photos on their child's phone while 'snooping'

At 13 I'd absolutely be checking what's going on

I think it's fine if they know you are going to be checking, then they can delete or not send anything that they don't want you to see. It is not the same as reading a diary or eavesdropping on a conversation as those are both private things. Whereas WhatsApp groups are not private .

If she knows you'll check it often she will just delete anything inappropriate

She probably also has other apps like Snapchat for secret talking

Did you know you can hide apps behind a mask app that looks like a calculator or a clock?

I know I’m going to be on my own here but I think if a 13 year old girl’s phone isn’t being checked then you’re not protecting her. They are so vulnerable at 13. They are too young to have phones and free access to everyone and everything. Checking the phone is the bare minimum.

"I will check your phone if I feel that you have given me reason to check your phone".

Reasons (not limited to)

• Skipping school
• Sudden personality change
• Suspicion of being bullied/bullying
• Not being home at a reasonable time without communication
• Repeated bad behaviour at school

"You are my child and I have a responsibility to keep you safe and to make sure that you are behaving as a decent human being. If that means that I have to check/conviscate your phone from time to time, I will do just that".

I think parents who don't are completely irresponsible, and so are parents who allow children to play online games unsupervised in their room,

It's frightening that parents don't

AS LONG AS it is made very clear from the start.