To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

I would argue that not checking what your child is doing on an Internet connected advice before the age of 16 is neglect!

I DID grow up with social media and the Internet, so speaking from experience - check their bloody phones.

Better to invade their privacy to keep them safe and them feel a little bit uncomfortable than them being groomed or bullied or seeing horrible content, surely?
(And yes, that stuff happens, it sadly happens all the time, even to innocent children who are young for their age, or kids who 'just use their phone for gaming' or kids that don't show any sign somethings wrong)
Also 'they will just delete what they don't want you to see' so... just don't bother at all then, what kind of logic is that?
Check their phones.
Check their phones.
Check their phones.

We have always had the same agreement and it's worked well. In fact, DD15 was relieved I'd seen something on her phone as she didn't know how to tell me. I rarely check it tbh and I agree the no phones overnight is a pain but works.

I'm surprised at the early replies. This is imperative for a 13yo. Particularly a 13yo! My DC got a phone when they went to secondary school (Ireland, so this is when they are 12 or 13), and initially they really need supervision and guidance around how to navigate social media and messaging - it resolves itself by the time they are 15 or so (maybe sooner).

It's not WhatsApp you really need to worry about - it's Snapchat. The devil's work. I had no issues at all with my first child (DD) and fairly quickly didn't check very often - but she knew I could and like a PP, it's a great excuse for them if anything undesirable is going on or being shared.

With my DS (14) it has been really different. Nothing awful but definitely receiving and sharing images and content that is not appropriate and maybe infringing others' privacy as well as types of conversations I wasn't happy with. He was distraught when I was checking them and uncovered stuff I wasn't happy with - but admitted afterwards he was nearly relieved and felt he was getting in way over his head.

I'm really honest with them; I check in front of them (i.e. I would never go looking at their phone without them knowing) and I show them what I am doing. If they reacted a certain way (and I felt I was breaching something personal, rather than inappropriate or concerning, I would be cautious about checking). Now that my DS has accepted that I'm checking on occasion he has been a lot more sensible with what he says / language used and so on.

It's about being a parent - like any other areas of their lives, they need firm boundaries and are happier for it.

At that age I might have checked my daughter's phone if I felt something was amiss. I certainly checked regularly from age 11-13 ish, as unfortunately we had some issues with men trying to contact her and her friends inappropriately which we reported to the police. Now at age 17 I wouldn't dream of checking her phone.

DD15 was relieved I'd seen something on her phone as she didn't know how to tell me

Same with DS. A Snapchat group was getting way out of hand and he didn't know what to do.

With Snapchat they can see if someone is checking it (by the way we are looking but not snapping back) - so it frightened the bejasus out of the others too. They knew straightaway it was me checking and that softened their cough somewhat.

Thank you for saying that, I think often us generation X mums really don't have a clue what to do, because we have no idea what it's like to grow up with social media and what the rules should be! And we're scared of meddling, we don't always like to set boundaries. Maybe because we didn't have many ourselves! I don't know, just thinking out loud..

My approach was that while I was buying the phones, I was entitled to know the pass code to the phones - so I could look if I wanted, but rarely, if ever did.

They're 22 and 19 now and buy their own, so those days are thankfully gone for all of us!

@ForTheLoveOfSleep “both of their WhatsApp chats back up to a cloud only I have access to” would you mind telling me how to set this up, please?

Also what do you do about SnapChat, if they have it?

Exactly. This is not the panacea you had hoped for.

It's good that you're upfront.

If I were your child and up to no good then I'd be using another chat app like Snapchat where messages disappear.

It is a condition of having the phone in this house so they knew that we would sporadically read their messages.

https://www.leics.police.uk/kayleighslovestory

This highlights why too. You are absolutely naive if you do not think that there are people out there wanting to chat to teenage girls. Sadly I haven't kept it but there was a tiktok account of a 14 year old ballet dancer who posted a pic of herself in her ballet clothes. You want to see the comments that came in from men, some married, some with photos of them with their children in their profile pics aged in their 30s and 40s commenting on how lovely/hot/sexy/cute her body was. Teenagers are renowned for making stupid decisions. It is why we are trying to protect them.

Conversations between parents and children about the dangers of being online and sending nudes (as has been reported so many times on here) and those nudes being shared of 15 year olds. We watched Catfish with the children so they could see how grown adults get scammed into believing who they are talking to someone who turns out to be someone else. So many filters these days that can make you young etc. Terrifying to know what is real and what isn't.

My sons are now old enough that I don't check their phones, youngest is year 13. But I have had to deal with suicide threats from their friends where luckily they have come running to me to help them deal with that.

I would encourage her to share screenshots of chat that she's not comfortable with, unsure about and yes if you're concerned check through her messages, most likely Snapchat my kids tell me what's app is for older people 🙄, check through the messages with her though not behind her back.

I also think you need to make young people aware of being added to groups without consent it has become a minefield. School groups with someone adding people that aren't in the school who end up abusing bullying etc. I know schools will check through messages if they think there's online bullying going on so parents definitely should too

As the parent of 3 now adult DCs, the first generation where mobiles were in mass use among kids, their phones should absolutely be checked occasionally. Found stuff a few times that needed some tough talking about with DD especially.

Kids need to be aware that SM posts and messages are NOT private. They can be forwarded and screenshotted to anyone. I have a secondary school age DC now and still check his. Rule is if you don’t want me to read it, don’t send it!

While I’m paying for the contract, it’s technically my phone.

I don’t allow Snapchat until they’re much older.

One of the things I’m very grateful for is that the husband of one of the teachers in DDs school works for CEOPS (I think they might be called something different now).

He holds a meeting with parents every year because so many get phones just before going to high school.

Most people don’t follow a lot lf what he says, but enough parents (and kids to be fair) end up with the fear of god put into them about Snapchat that it’s just not as popular here, and even when the older teens end up with it they all turn snapmaps/location off after his talks.

We have family iphone set up. Mainly so I can check where my son is if he goes out. But it also allows you to put blocks and times on apps or the internet etc. You can stop access from X time till X time so might be an idea instead of taking their phones so they can still have their alarms?
I can also see any apps he has etc

I check my sons phone sporadically, but luckily for me he has no interest in the socials, you tube is my problem- but i do have the parental blocks in place

Are you 13 years old? 🤔

An old college friends mum did this to her and it changed their relationship forever (for the worst obviously ). Is there a reason you need to look? I haven’t read through the whole thread, apologies

I didn't do this. My mum used to read my letters and diaries and then gossip about the content to people so I couldn't bring myself to. They are 16 and 19 now so past the age when you'd do this anyway.

This is my take. I may not look, but I retain the right to. A change in behaviour would be something that would make me consider looking, for example. No concerns = don't look

Yes you should be checking the phone. You are the parent. You are responsible for her and she is a child. I can understand at 15/16 but at 13 she is still very young.

Please don’t listen to those who tell you it’s her privacy. She is vulnerable and needs your guidance and safeguarding still. Many problems stem from phone use in this age group.

I have checked all mine until they were in year 10/11 and only when I’ve felt they are responsible. I have also made them plug their phone in my room at night until this age.

Out of interest can I ask how the others knew you could see the Snapchat content? (I’ve never used it!)

Not unreasonable. I did the same with my DD, and she seems really comfortable about it. A known bully from primary school was badgering her for her number, and in the end she capitulated with a warning 'my mum checks my messages'. No bullying.

A phone introduces a lot of uncertain pressure all at once. A lot of adult decisions and choices too. I don't think my DD is old enough or comfortable enough managing the responsibility. Knowing I am there takes some of that pressure off her.

As it happens, I haven't checked her phone once yet.

I absolutely disagree with the first 2 replies also, you should check your children's devices on a regular basis that goes for teens too, there are so many sickos out there on social media these days it's definitely not an invasion of privacy its keeping your child safe.

My son is 14 and I check his device on a regular basis

I check my 13 yo phone sporadically. He knows this and it's a condition of having his phone paid for by me.
What I will say though is that it's basically pointless.
They only people he WhatsApp's are me, his dad, and a mate he walks to school with.
Everyone else is Snapchat or another app, so anything he doesn't want me to see, I don't see.
So I've checked it once in maybe...three months?

I think this is probably the age to take a step back. I'd only check the messages if you have a clear reason to.. like if you are worried about her behaviour or have any reason to be concerned. Just day to day no I would not be checking at this age.