To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

13 is too old for me teenage years would be the cutoff point.

Again, Kayleigh Haywood was fifteen. FIFTEEN.

That doesn't mean every 15 year old would be vulnerable and should have no privacy, There are probably adults that would be easier to groom than most 15 year olds.

I actually cant believe some of the comments on here, yes you absolutely should be checking everything on her phone. Have people not been living in the real world. Bulling on social media is horrendous. And grooming is rife. I feel sorry for all the kids who's parents are not checking, by the time you notice a change in your child .its too late the damage is done

Its not snooping . Its safeguarding your child. Have you been living in a cave?

In a previous job, part of my role was working with local schools, youth groups etc regarding Online Safety In The Community. I was affiliated with CEOP/ThinkUKnow, National Online Safety UK and other entities and room part in various research groups.

THE main recommendation for online safety for children and vulnerable young adults is to agree with them that part of the deal if having this tech is that you will regularly check phones and gadgets. The second most important recommendation is no phones /tablets/online gaming in bedrooms up to secondary school age and up to age 18 total screen time should be agreed (and it's waaaaay lower than most parents and carers think...)

Most chikdren may not admit it but they welcome the boundaries and the 'excuse' to not join in with and be able to ask others to limit/avoid certain topics etc. My DD and her friends (now adult) say that in hindsight they are thankful that their online activity was monitored.

Until age 11 my DD was bit allowed any gadgets in her room. Her phone was regularly checked. Once she went to snr school, she was as allowed her phone and tablet in her room but no gadgets after 8pm and all gadgets downstairs overnight. Checking her phone less and less and I stopped at around 14.

If more parents read the studies /research on online safety/recommendations and screen time, the yd he shocked at not only wjat their children are exposed to but also what they actively trying engage in.

Think of online like real.life. Who would you allow into your DC's bedrooms? Where would you allow your DCs to go unaccompanied? Once you look at it from this perspective, you completely change how you view your DCs access to the online world.

Sorry for the typos! Hope it makes sense

Yeah we should all just leave our kids open to grooming, and cyber bullying. While we're at it let's not bother with parental controls on the Internet, let them watch as much porn as they want, and set them up a tinder account.
Your opinion is niave at best, and dangerous at worst.

i have the same agreement with my DD, however I haven’t check for ages and I think I would stop at 13. That seems like a good age for a shift in responsibility and privacy. If I was concerned at this age and felt a need to look I would probably ask and wait for permission. I also never comment on anything that I read even if I don’t agree with it. We also never allow phones in bedrooms and so you can always see her face when she messaging which I think says a thousand words.

As a side note some of her peers are horrendous in terms of language used. I found last year when she was in Y6 I checked more, there were alot of social issues within her class and I would read these kids being horrid to each other and then next time I read they would have deleted everything. So clear their parents were checking their phones too.

Well yes I’d check her phone regularly.
nowadays you can never be too safe. While you are paying for her phone contract you have the right to know what she’s checking online.
I think people are too sensitive nowadays and there are so many dangers out there.
I think the people that told you to not check the messages don’t have kids

Not at all, I do it to protect also my DC from them from others, also them possibly making a mistake. Not all the time as they are not very phone obsessed (yet). I think it’s good parenting.

As someone who's received unsolicited porn on WhatsApp, I'd check.
Now people can spam WhatsApp. It was from an East European country with a girl as a profile picture.
Having friends who're all over, I clicked without thinking but quickly deleted when I realised.
But I have a feeling once one has your number, they pass it on.
I've been added to random groups on two occasions.
Not sure how they got my number or what they get from sending such things but it's the last thing I'd want a child to see.

My DD is 14 and I don’t read her messages as a rule, although I would if there was a change in behaviour. I did used up until last year from time to time.

Talk to your DCs support them by telling them they can tell you anything esp if someone tells them not to tell anyone or threatens them or someone they care about inc you.

Repeat this a lot.

Teach them about bullying, intimidation and threats. Teach them about being safe sexually.

Create a relationship of trust and honesty.

If this means an occasional spot check, fine but spot checks need to be done with their consent.

My kids have always told me everything. At 21 and 22 they talk to me about sex too. I've just helped my DDs friend with an issue she had.

Schools only teach curriculum, as parents, our job is to teach our kids about everything else.

Agree with all of this. I have a fantastic relationship with all my adult children, who tell me too much, if anything.

I still checked their phones when they were 13 if I thought I had reason to. There was nothing sneaky about this: I bought their phones and paid for their contracts, and I reserved the right to look at them if I was sufficiently concerned. I did this in their presence. People on here seem to think that it's a case of sitting down in the evening with a nice glass of wine to have a good old sneaky scroll.

My DC also knew that I would completely ignore anything that was 'silly' or their messages to their friends about what an unreasonable cow I was (or their friends' messages to them about their similarly unreasonable parents!) There was no comeback on anything of that nature - that stuff is completely normal.

When I looked, I was only ever looking because I had a specific concern. Every time, I was right to have done so.

If you know your children/young teenagers well enough, you also know when you need to check their phones. If you think you don't need to do it, ever, you possibly don't really know what's going on in your teenager's mind and life, and whom they are involved with.

But that was the deal she made. It’s called safeguarding. There’s been more suicides since parents stopped knowing what was going on in their kids lives.

Personal circumstances and my
job force me to check my just turned ds14 phone.

This is the age where children are at their most vulnerable and exploring their sexuality and becoming interested in sex or even sexually active.

Ive see far too many teens being groomed and be abused in multiple ways and it could all have been stopped of their parents checked their phones 😞

I’d rather invade my child’s privacy than see them at the hands of a perpetrator!

I believe anyone who does not check their children’s phone are very poor parents!

online grooming is on the rise and in 4 years it’s rise by 80% -https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2022/online-grooming-crimes-rise/

I’m not of the opinion of burying my head in the sand or the idiotic phrase “invading my child’s privacy” 🤯 because I’ve seen the other side of this and the damage it’s causes to the children.

Bumping this because it's so important

If she knows you are doing it then it's ok. At 13 she is still a child. If she didn't know then that's a different story.

As a former teacher I cannot stress how important this is. I can guarantee there’s a lot going on in your kids lives that you have no idea about. It’s not about snooping, it’s about safety.

I know this is a small sample but I'm including to listen to posters like yourself, several other teachers and the emergency call handler who urge us to check. You folks see and hear of more the consequences of kids who don't think through their digital actions than I do.

Breach of trust or invasion of privacy my arse. Provided it's done with permission and not micro managing then safety trumps perceived privacy every day of the week

I'm inclined to, rather

I had the same condition when mine was 10, that I can check sporadically WhatsApp. I was pretty happy with what I saw, they didn't involve themselves in WhatsApp group chats, stayed out of bickering. Now 13 and I don't think I've looked for about a year as nothing has made me feel the need. They also have Tiktok but chose to remove Snapchat themselves "cos it was annoying".
Totally depends on each child, there is no right or wrong answer.

There are three teens here. Two have had phones checked regularly and only really stopped in sixth form. They don't feel I snooped, they trust me, we have a very warm relationship that I'm proud of. They understood the rules and I'm sure they deleted stuff, I'm not stupid but they are quite well rounded young people. And occasionally I did have to intervene.
The third hasn't her phone checked nearly half as much due to various reasons, she has been groomed but now is someone we don't recognise. There were no outward signs until very recently. Destroyed her life. She is not going to pass sixth form as every hour is spent 'chatting' including all night, she has no friends, she refuses to talk to family, she steals and lies and will do anything to get back to her online friends who she has done some not nice things with. She has seen and looked at things that no one should be seeing never mind an impressionable teenager. It's destroying her life, her future, her relationships with real people and if the phone had been checked at 14/15 she wouldn't be in this mess.
It's also destroying my marriage, so the knock on is huge.

So by not checking the phone she has no relationship with family including parents. By checking she may well have still had one.

Smart phones and the dangers in them are a curse to our young people. Everyone should be checking their teenagers phones

Not at this stage yet but I would expect any messages that she wouldn't want to be seen will be deleted anyway. Not an easy one but does sound like a sensible rule imo. Xx

Wow , I am shocked at how young most of everyone’s kids are who have free access to everything and those who say the original poster is in the wrong . My two dd’s are 6 and 9 and will not be having a phone for the foreseeable . But then again I work in communications and see the fall out / bad stuff that happens all the time . When they get a phone they will be checked as and when I deem fit until they can pay for them theirselves . Something that sticks out to me was someone whose son got accused of rape (age 13) and nudes coming from a 10 year old to a 16 year old . Anyone who thinks this is an invasion of privacy really needs to give their head a wobble in this day and age