To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

My folks did that (got my first mobile in year 7 or so), all it did was make me sneaky.

She will just delete things she doesn’t want you to see.

I think encouraging an open, honest dialogue would be more beneficial than snooping / spot checks? That’s what I plan with my little’un, got a few more years to work out my game plan though!

x

Jesus this

The issue isn't always what your child is up to but what other people they interact with are saying and doing.

Absolutely check the messages. I do - mine is 15. It’s the deal.
I’m not invading her privacy - I’m being a parent and keeping her safe. One of her friendship group had started self harming. And whilst she was getting support at home and school, she was also encouraging others to do it. Also I’ve had boys asking for photos of her. I help her navigate those conversations in a calm way. She wouldn’t be able to do that without us.
They are young people navigating a scary social media world. I don’t micro manage her friendships or conversations but I do step in where necessary. It’s my job as her parent.

Exactly and how would you instil good judgement if you are not talking about some of the weird stuff that's said online. They are children, they don't know at 11/12/13/14 from 15-16 they are getting gradually more mature and depending on how dc are at around that age I wouldn't check anymore.

Thanks to pp whose poor son received a video showing a kitten being killed, I've got to remind mine not to open any videos that are sent by an unknown phone number.

how would I have felt at 13? Outraged. Because I was caught sexting my 15 year old boyfriend. Thank God we didnt have the internet or proper picture services.

I'd rather mine didn't have to experience this.

The first paragraph is a quote from another poster, saying that you don’t need to check your child’s phone if you’ve ‘done the work to ensure your child has good judgement.’

The second paragraph is me saying that all teenagers are going to make bad decisions and that it’s part of being a teenager. That’s why they still need supervision. Their judgement isn’t fully developed.

Things like your link are exactly what I mean. Teenagers are vulnerable to outright predators like that man but also to sharing images with a trusted peer that can end up shared with the whole school.

This is pretty much how my supervision has evolved as she's grown. It's not all the time actually only occasionally but she knows it's what we agreed and she knows why I do it.

I'm one of those people who think their privacy is sacred, and tells people on here that they should be dumped for snooping through their partners phone.

With a kid it's different. As a parent you absolutely need to know who your children are to talking to, and whether it's about anything dodgy. DD is about to turn 16, and we've been slowly tailing off checking her internet history and WhatsApps over the last 2 years. Do I know some things she'd rather I didn't. Yes. Do I know some things that I wish I didn't? Hell yes! But it's also meant that I identified and helped her see and understand some very dodgy behaviour from someone I'm still convinced was a pervy old man.

@Paddingtonthebear

Out of interest can I ask how the others knew you could see the Snapchat content? (I’ve never used it!)

I felt like I became an (unwilling) Snapchat expert in the few days recently I was having to deal with an issue via Snapchat on my DS' phone.

It's partly to do with how teens use Snapchat. So they will engage in 'streaks' or snaps with each other. (A steak means replying to each other within a timeframe to keep the exchange going). The snaps, especially with boys, are just photos of themselves for no particular reason.

The other person will see you've read the snap. If you don't snap back more or less instantly, they know it's not the teen - they figure out it's a parent.

They'll also know when a message is read, and if you screenshot it (which I was doing with some of the content before it disappears), likewise if you save it.

When they send a message, they expect an immediate reply once opened so they know well that it must be an adult. My son went into school & all the boys started slagging him about his mum checking his phone ... they just knew.

Do you really think they wouldn't delete anything they didn't want their parents to see?

You'd think. But they've poor advance planning & awareness, and they don't. Some disappear, but others including photos don't. You can get a pretty good sense of what's going on by scrolling through a few chats.

Ah bless... I thought this too. I have had so many conversations with my smart, generally capable & thoughtful DS. He still got himself way in over his head, and I was completely shocked by some of the exchanges.

Teens, especially boys, tend to be utterly led by their peers. They might know intellectually what they should do or not do; but it'll all go out of their heads in the context of friends / peers pushing them a certain way.

I think those saying they check until 16 makes perfect sense to me, the darkness that children have access to online is far too worrying to not be monitored. Also snap chat you can put them on ghost mode to ensure they’re invisible to non friends if anyone didn’t know.

Exactly. I think some posters are thinking of this as snooping on your kid’s interactions with their friends, friends are not the issue, it’s random strangers who basically have an open channel of communication directly to their private devices these days. This didn’t exist in the past, such people would have quite literally had to go through our parents on the family landline and our parents would have questioned them if they had doubts. They can have complete privacy with their friends in person, this isn’t about stopping that, it’s monitoring the access that others have to them, just as parents have always done.

It is NOT snooping. It is parenting.
If things go wrong, imagine telling a court (or coroner) you did not want to embarrass a 13 yr old.
It would be dereliction of responsibility. With children that we are responsible for, we have to work on worst case scenario. That continues until they are 16. You have no choice. It is THE LAW.

I just don’t think checking a phone is necessary if you’ve done the work to ensure your child has good judgement and check in with them lots, really explain and constantly remind that everything said online these days is traceable, explain what bullying looks like and feels like and what to do etc.

Making errors of judgement is part of growing up. Teenagers brains are still developing and if anything they’re more likely to mess up than 10 or 11 year olds. They can get in over their heads so easily.

I’ve reposted because it seems to be confusing people

Until 16. I think teaching then the habit that anything they write may be seen by their mum is a great way if learning how to behave on social media. If everyone online stopped to think how their Mum or Dad might react to what they wrote, the Internet would be a much better place.
It's a really unhelpful message for teens to tell them any of these platforms are private, so mine know it's the deal of having a phone, and I tell them when I've looked and have found quire a few things that raised concern thst they were sometimes unaware of.

I have had so many conversations with my smart, generally capable & thoughtful DS. He still got himself way in over his head, and I was completely shocked by some of the exchanges.

I agree completely.

I’m dreading this. Torn between reading all the reasons why it’s needed for protection and yet feeling like my relationship with my mum is solid because she trusted me and respected my privacy at 13. Fortunately, I’ve got a few more years to panic about it yet.

I check my year 7’s phone.

I tell her that it’s not that I don’t trust her, I don’t trust other people.

She’s OK with it. “Gross invasion of privacy” my arse.

But most people here are actually talking about monitoring their kids interactions with peers and friends, not the abyss of the web or strangers. Which I find deeply weird. And kind of at odds with threads about how teens and young people have no resilience and can’t manage situations by themselves. Is this surprising if every day they have a debrief of all their social interactions with their parent, at 15, as one PP described?!

If they are savvy they would delete anything they wouldn’t want you to see if they know you will check

It's just the modern version of having the landline phone in a communal room or in the hall.

It has absolutely nothing to do with resilience or "debrief" 🙄or snooping.

I think this is reasonable as you have made clear from the outset that you would be checking messages.

100% that!

Look how many posters on MN are shocked/ horrified/ screaming in horror because they find their thread on the DM whining "But it's a safe place". It's not. It's an open international forum.

Whatsapp, snapchat and the rest are NOT private. Their friends parents might be looking for a start.

It's terrible parenting to encourage them to think it is.

The fact that so many people think it's an invasion of privacy is one of the reasons why there are so many problems with teenagers and social media including underage nude pictures, bullying and more. If more parents took responsibility then things might be better. 13 is one of worst ages, definitely not the timto stop checking.

I check DSs phone, he's 12. And I'll continue to do so as long as I need to to keep him safe.

Like previous posters here, I want him to be able to come to me to ask for appropriate responses and also to use me as an excuse to not get involved with fuckery.