To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

And where exactly did anyone on the thread that checks phones say that they didn't bother focussing on a healthy relationship?

That's just a lazy assumption on your part that parents will do one or the other. So checking phones is not "not remotely useful" at all.

Again you're assuming that people won't have thought that some teens will delete messages... another lazy assumption on your part.

Exactly this.

I think it's very telling that the people telling my current teens to be very open with their friends that their phones are checked, and remind me (not that I need it) to do it are my uni age children.

I also don't know any school staff (and until covid I worked in schools for 20 years) who would say there was no point in checking a phone.

Often what you don't find is the biggest story teller.

I check my DS13 phone every two to three days. I control his phone from mine using Google family link. He has several apps blocked because of inappropriate and immature use of them in the past. He has time limits and the phone locks at 8.30pm. The language and inappropriate content on what's apps is shocking. In my opinion, 13 is far too young to be given complete freedom on a phone where bullying, exploitation and inappropriate content can happen. It is called responsible parenting and as a teacher I have witnessed and dealt with many fall outs / impacts of teenagers and mobile phone use.

Bet you check your husbands too and snoop in people's bathroom cabinets.

You can surely do better than that if you want to argue that parents don't have a duty to ensure to the best of their ability that their children are safe.

DS is 4 now and I don’t know how I’ll feel at age 13 really but I think it’s responsible to check. You don’t need to deep dive into conversations between trusted, known friends but a check for online grooming, bullying, numbers of people you don’t know, inappropriate photos and social media accounts just seems sensible given the level of risk involved. It also provides an opportunity to talk about issues and safety, so why not.

I do also have teenagers yes. One currently sitting they’re A levels, the other entering year 10. Both talk to me and we have an open relationship. But that is irrelevant because working in a school highlights to me daily how naive parents are. Including myself. You can read all the messages you want but here’s a newsflash. They will delete what they don’t want you to see. They will use messaging facilities you don’t know they have. They will use Snapchat to communicate with one story view. Did you know huge chunks of kids have multiple social media accounts? Many go as far as a PAYG sim that connects to wifi so you don’t even know they have it.

Must remind myself that something that was very helpful with the four teens I’ve already got to their twenties was utterly useless because someone not at that point yet says so…

Not a single person has said it’s the only thing they do. And here’s a news flash for you - you can have an open relationship with your children and talk to them and check phones.

I check my 13 year olds phone occasionally, he's in huge class whatsapp groups and I want to make sure he's safe, he knows I check, he doesn't seem to care.

13 is probably more at risk as at secondary school.

&They will delete what they don’t want you to see. They will use messaging facilities you don’t know they have. They will use Snapchat to communicate with one story view. Did you know huge chunks of kids have multiple social media accounts? Many go as far as a PAYG sim that connects to wifi so you don’t even know they have it*

@AnneValentine, sadly none of this is a newsflash either - especially not to those of us who have children in their 20s.

We know about the 'secret' social media accounts, and the PAYG sim cards and all that stuff. It was via a 'secret' social media account which I accessed that I discovered something that ended up with the police.

The best and most sensible comment thus far is @YetMoreNewBeginnings And here’s a news flash for you- you can have an open relationship with your children and talk to them and check phones

Don't think you are the expert and have the golden key to keeping your teenagers safe, because they can always surprise you however much you think you know, and however open you think your lines of communication are. Sometimes you find something out about somebody else's teenager whose parents are less vigilant, precisely because you check your own child's phone if you have a hunch that it's necessary.

I can see where you are coming from. It’s better to check messages than miss say online grooming and your DS running away with a seedy man and be never seen again (which clearly happens).

my 13yo’s father and I have both worked in media in different ways…needless to say we have the same deal you do. We have been separated since 13yo was 1yo but have co patented very well and firmly agree on this

Too many people don’t understand how dangerous phones can be despite the restrictions you put on.
No apps can be downloaded without one of us signing off on it and there are time limits for each app…we both understand that doesn’t protect from everything we want to protect from.

We’ve also caught bullying and gaslighting messages from so called friends that we were able to nip in the bud by raising with other parents and the school. Not just to our child but from one child to another in group chats.
Within the friend group 3 “trends” were very clearly being misunderstood due to the ages of the people involved that had some rather dark undertones. All caught by different parents allowing a chat amongst adults before all talking to the children to explain why they needed to avoid certain things and how they were inadvertently sharing information.

Tbh those who don’t check in on what’s going on are being wilfully ignorant, boarding on neglectful.
Children do silly, thoughtless things and it’s our job to ensure those things cause as little harm as possible, in this day and age that includes checking their communications.

I have helped/guided/taught my DS (14) a couple of times in the past year (there has also been some school involvement).
He knows I will only check his phone if I have concerns.
We have a very good relationship and I believe he would come to me if he found himself in a difficult situation (either by his own foolishness or by the actions of someone else). He knows that things can escalate quickly and that it's far better to have me involved than other parents/school/police/other authorities.

I surprised at some of the responses. At age 13, she is still a child and underage. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all for occasionally having a skim through and wanting to do that. You are safeguarding your child against the ugly online world. If she was 16, then yes that’s crossing a line but at age 13, they are very much still a child.

you may soon discover that your kid has a second phone

It was via a 'secret' social media account which I accessed that I discovered something that ended up with the police.

It was what I didn’t see on one check that gave away that a brewing bully situation had started when my DD2 was 14.

Glancing at her phone previous had always showing that the most common chats were with Mary, Molly, Maisie & Mabel. Then 2 group chats with various combinations. Picking up her phone twice in a short space of time and only having recent messages with Mabel was a big waving flag.

And people always talk about checking to protect their children. My checks flagged up that my DD was being mean, unfair and borderline bullying to people after a row. Thankfully catching it meant we could step in and sort out her behaviour.

At age 13 I had 18-19-21 year olds texting me ( sexually suggestive) luckily it didn’t go much further than me and my friends naively finding it hilarious/ thrilling but ABSOLUTELY you need to monitor a child’s phone at that age. I was asked more for my number at that age than I was in my early 20s ( and I even had braces so clearly an immature young teen). Really weird but true and for that reason I think it’s better to be slightly intruding . ( for anyone wondering why I didn’t say no to give out number I was too shy to sad no 😞 and hadn’t been prepared with how to refuse).

As a teacher who has had to report some of the horrendous things that teenagers can be exposed to on social media, I would strongly recommend you continue checking. One of a parents primary jobs in to keep their children safe, and 13 year olds are definitely still children who sometimes who take crazy risks and make really bad decisions.

@Vistada what an utterly stupid and ridiculous statement
the CHILD is 13 not 30
mum has a right to check messages
id even go as far to say children shouldn’t have WhatsApp’s- texting Is free so there is no need for it . They are full of bullying groups
children, this age near where I live have been stabbed to death. it’s only fair for parents to keep tabs on the children .

This

At 13 I'd have rather honestly not had a fucking phone than had it snooped regularly.

And if my child took that attitude they wouldn’t have a phone. Luckily both mine understand how quickly they can get out of their depth and might need adult input and support.

some Adults aren’t mature enough to use social media unsupervised. I work in a school and we have so many issues with children not using social media correctly. It’s so easy to be a troll/bash people online and children are still learning that.
This is coming from someone who hated their parent snooping through their messages. The one thing I would say is if it’s not serious then don’t bring it up with them.

At 13 I would not be reading messages unless I had a genuine safety concern for my child, eg. reason to believe she was being groomed by older men. I would not just read through here and there with no prior suspicions.

Age 13,she is a child..of course you can check messages. Use this app to check. She won't know