To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

Luw7977 we found to our horror that there weren't any signs she was being groomed by older men. None till her parents found obscene photos on her phone, sent both ways.
No signs. It's been horrific and the knock on since huge. After what's been Don he and discovered two houses need therapy and no one is talking. It's not an invasion of privacy

Parents who think it's privacy invasion - they live in a made up world, its a pure negligence.
It's for their safety, scammers and groomers are coming up with new ways that adults cannot detect from the first site let alone children. Also, do not compare with yoursleves- time and age was different back then.
That said it shouldnt be a sneaky check though.

What a bizarre take

Kids should know transparently that their parents/carers check their phones. Why do it secretly?

Hi,

Maybe consider asking her from time to time if she thinks there is anything she should be discussing that’s on her phone. Hopefully that will build a trust of her talking to you when things come up rather than you having to check her phone as it could encourage her to delete things before you see them.

100% I think you should be checking their phone at this age. I know it’s different as a foster carer but phone checks are mandatory for us. As he’s got older, I rarely check unless there’s a concern and I don’t read messages with friends as that’s invading his privacy. The check in my case is more regarding any contact with birth family and most friend conversations are on Snapchat anyway so I can’t see them. It will be the case till he’s 18 - he knows conditions are having a phone are that he doesn’t change the password and he hands it over if I ask for it but I’ve not had any reason to check for a while.
I would like to think that with my birth children hopefully in the future, the trust would be there to not need to check as they got to 14/15+

I think at 13 you're right to check it occasionally. In fact I'd consider it odd that a parent wouldnt check occasionally at that age.

It’s hilarious to me that you think for one minute I think I know everything. I work with teenagers and technology changes by the minute. I am fully aware I know closer to nothing to everything. The one thing I do know is that reading your kids message is so beyond what is needed it’s not funny.

Manage to raise my children into adulthood safely without ever checking their private messages. Trust, communication and love.

The Instagram you follow might not be her “real” Instagram. I would be surprised if she isn’t using Instagram. Not impossible of course, but it’s not difficult to have more than one account.

My parents had access to all my social media accounts and emails etc until I was in my mid teens, which I knew. What I didn’t know was that the adult male “family friend” who was messaging me was actually a predator. My dad recognized it immediately during a routine scan of my phone and dealt with it, for which I was at the time embarrassed and am now profoundly grateful. 13 is so young and defenseless. You’re absolutely in the right.

The one thing I do know is that reading your kids message is so beyond what is needed it’s not funny

I think you couldn't be more wrong.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings also makes the very good point that it can also be our own children who are the perpetrators, as well as being the victims of other people. It takes a very good parent to identify their own child as being the problem and to deal with it swiftly and effectively.

Nobody on this thread is suggesting that we should spend our evenings scrolling around on our children's phones for entertainment. Most sensible people are suggesting, though, that we should reserve the right to do so with younger teenagers if we have a genuine concern about their welfare, or that of one of their friends.

Protecting your daughter should be your #1 priority She's 13 and still a child. Of course you should be seeing who's contacting her!!

I work in a secondary school & regularly we have Safeguarding training & told we should be checking phones, message also goes to parents, it's pretty horrifying when you hear what goes on with teenage phones, we are taught to always think that it does happen here, especially grooming & sexting. Sorry but my teenager will have her phone checked until gcse age.

For anyone unsure check out kayleighs love story on YouTube, true story, can happen to anyone.

I check my sons. He’s 12 nearly 13. he’s getting a bit of stick at school for being autistic so I read through his phone incase there’s anything nasty being sent to him. Cyber bullying is no joke and if it’s going on I’m going to catch it.

I have DDs 13 & 15 and absolutely would not read their messages. They’re both very aware of online protocol, they would tell me if there was any bullying and I completely trust them.

Bring them up right and educate them to be safe and let them go free.

I don't censor anything, never have, never will.

WhatsApp has a minimum age of 16 for users due to the dangers of social media.

if the company who this belongs too is restricting access to protect children then I would say that you should as well.
There are some good tips here on adding restrictions to improve security.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/2023-01-12-is-whatsapp-safe-for-my-child/#

My son is year 9, we have the same
deal. He knows why, he’s fine with it. You’re not invading her privacy if she’s aware it’s happening in my opinion. I think it’s quite irresponsible of parents not to keep an eye on their teens phone usage to be honest. I am firmly in the camp of checking and discussing thing. Eg in year 7 someone mentioned porn in a group WhatsApp. I was able to talk to him, check he knew what it was, explain to him that he should not go googling for it etc. if I hadn’t checked it I wouldn’t have known, he could have googled and then we are in dangerous territory.

Absolutely

It's also interesting to see so many posters who do check phones (occasionally, for the majority of us it's not overkill) can also agree that yes, of course this goes hand in hand in with talking to our kids, building relationships and trusting them.

The two strategies aren't mutually exclusive.

It's perfectly possible to do this while keeping a distant eye on digital comms too

You're not being unreasonable, my lad is 14 and I check his phone regularly with or without his permission. And I'm glad I did because there have been things found that needed addressing . He is autistic and has adhd and sometimes doesn't get the dangers of what's app. He now doesn't have what's app and has no socials either .
I only ever want to keep him safe

At 13 definitely snoop. But never tell ANYONE. Sneakily reading my DHs texts from his daughter ( aged 35+ and a nasty piece of work) helped me get the measure of her and the shitty things she wrote. I told absolutely no-one. Forearmed is forewarned and I used it to avoid a LOT of problems.

When I was 14 I was relentlessly bullied online right near the start of social media and mobile phones. My parents hadn’t a clue because cyber bullying wasn’t a thing back then. I didn’t tell a soul for months, it was absolutely horrendous. With hindsight, I’m sure if my mum had read all the messages I was getting it would have been stopped pretty quickly!