To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

What would you do if you had messaged you didn’t want read?

that's such an excuse for lazy parenting.

I have the same agreement with my 11&14 year olds. Eldest is autistic and I like to check to make sure people aren’t being horrible and her not noticing - it’s happened. I don’t check so much now. But in y6 there was a massive bullying issue around what’s app and something escalated on a group chat when a friend got hold of my daughters phone and was sending messages as my daughter. Since then she’s passcode locked her what’s app so no one can get on it except me as I know. She often shows me messages anyway and often asks me to decipher bad spelling when she can’t make out what her friends are saying. she’s stopped being part of what’s app groups as she can’t cope with them.

My youngest had an issue early days where a friend was messaging her and she was busy and my daughter’s reply was fairly rude and abrupt instead of simply telling the friend she was busy and not to keep bombarding. I even texted the friend’s mum so say is monitored messages and was aware my daughters were coming across nasty and we’d had words. She was really pleased I’d mentioned it (the other mother). I lapsed a bit but then was absolutely shocked over the summer at some of the language being used by the boys in a what’s app group after leaving y6. I told my daughter I’d checked the messages and I wasn’t happy with the language being used in them - too sexual and too bad mouthed for 11 year olds. She’s since distanced herself from the boys who were just being disgusting. A lot of it was probably harmless and hard to know if they even understood the words being used, but I suspect many did. I’ll keep checking to know nothing inappropriate is being sent. A girl committed suicide at my daughter’s school due to bullying on her phone and other devices never being dealt with and the other parents ignoring the seriousness of it.

I check my nearly 12yo DS's phone and he knows that's part of the deal of having a mobile phone. And some of the messages I've seen on Whatsapp groups are really troubling - one recently from an 11 year old boy telling another child to kill themselves. So yeah, I'm going to check his phone and I really wish other parents would do the same - it might help to stop some of the awful bullying that happens online and the terrible consequences that follow.

Honestly sometimes I get very frustrated by other parent's lack of concern about what their children get up to on their mobile phones. And how these children subsequently have no boundaries around how much time they spend on the phone or what apps they can download - there are posts on here every week from parents wondering whether they should stop their child having their phone at night (yes, you really, really should), or having huge issues getting them off the bloody thing. Honestly, I think many parents in the UK are way too hands off when it comes to tech (and I've lived in another country for a while and many parents were far stricter, far more aware of the dangers of just giving their child a device and allowing them to get on with it with no boundaries what so ever).

As other PPs have said, it isn't a safe space and their behaviour on it could actually have huge consequences for them or others.

@Chanelbasketballandchain How so? Obviously if there is anything for concern op can address it appropriately but I wouldn't be jumping all over every conversation or digging where it's unnecessary. There's a line between safeguarding your child and allowing them to learn and figure some things out independently in an age appropriate way. Could you explain where that constitutes lazy parenting?

It’s not lazy parenting. Lazy parenting is sitting on your arse scrolling through your kids phones.

You can teach all these things, and I have extremely good and close relationships with all of my children (who are no longer teenagers).

However, phones can be a complete menace, even in the hands of a child with whom you have a good and trusting relationship. 'Child' being the operative word here.

Children are children, and this includes young teenagers. Sometimes children need adults to step in and say "enough", and to keep them safe when they don't have the experience or tools to do it for themselves.

They are often secretly quite glad to have the problem taken away from them, even if they bluster about it being "not fair", and "nobody else's parents check their phone" etc. It's far easier for them to rail against parents than it is to deal alone with other children en masse telling them via Snapchat they ought to kill themselves for being fat/thin/thick/red-haired/ugly/babyish/insert whatever ridiculous reason children have to bully one another.

In my experience, if you have a good relationship with your children, it will survive you keeping them safe. They hide all kinds of stupid stuff, have 'secret' Instagram accounts etc - but any parent who knows their child properly also knows when it's time to intervene.

I’m well aware re phones. I work in a school. I know exactly how they work and how naive it is for parents to think monitoring messages is remotely useful.

Family members child was groomed over Snapchat recently and it moved onto WhatsApp. They are 11.

very bizarre thing for a member of school staff to say when every school I’ve ever worked in, and the schools my children have attended, all massively encourage parents (as did the chap from ceops that spoke to parents) to check phones.

Thinking that checking phones is a guarantee of no problems is naive. Thinking that it alone is enough is naive. Not naive at all to find it useful.

They are often secretly quite glad to have the problem taken away from them, even if they bluster about it being "not fair", and "nobody else's parents check their phone" etc.

My elder three, now all Uni age, have said exactly this. And they’ve all encouraged their younger siblings to make it known their phones are checked as it just takes them off the radar for some of the shit that goes on.

Schools will advise monitoring activity but they primary focus is on promoting a healthy relationship with your child.

They will delete the messages. It’s that simple.

I think parents should check not only messages but throughly check the apps and websites their children are interacting with online. A phone is like an ocean to children. You will not trust a 13year old in an ocean even though they could swim without adult supervision. We can all see how people are getting counseled for things they said when they were young and did not know the consequences. Our dc are leaving behind digital footprint which could be used against them in the future if they are not being sensible and it is up to us as parents to guide them.

My ds school has a rule that teachers can check the kids phone anytime and kids have to open the phone for the teachers. All parents agree to this when you enroll your child there.

I’m well aware re phones. I work in a school. I know exactly how they work and how naive it is for parents to think monitoring messages is remotely useful

@AnneValentine You can work in a school all you like, but tell me that you have successfully parented several screen-bound children to a reasonably healthy adulthood and I will be more convinced by your views.

Schools will advise monitoring activity

So schools agree with the vast majority of parents posting here.

but they primary focus is on promoting a healthy relationship with your child

Funnily, most parents on here agree with this, too.

In the kindest possible way, you are talking utter bollocks.

That was @AnneValentine

At 13 I would have a scan of Internet history but not read messages unless there is a significant reason you're concerned about DDs safety eg concerns about friends being an influence with drink/drugs or her messaging an older boy etc.

It’s a condition of our kids having phones that we periodically check messages. Decide what apps they can and cannot have, have time limits each day AND have no social
media. They’re 11 and 13.
it’s a minefield out there. They need help to manage this new world.
so many issues with friends kids who’ve got unfettered access…

our kids seem happy, have plenty of friends, social lives despite these rules.

It’s also a good reminder for them that what they say on WA or in a text or email can be seen by parents, or other people, or shred, copied, pasted etc

we’ve just witnessed major upset on a group chat where 2 x 13 year old went at it other with language that would have made sailors blush… AND of course a parent spotted it, alerted other parents etc and the kids ( hopefully) learned a lesson as well as being punished.

It’s not a phone it’s the whole internet - with all the good and bad and dangerous that is the internet
Our 2 use our ‘strictness’ to say they can’t do things or join in a certain times or make videos for online etc and I know they find it a useful to get away from peer pressure

Mine know I have the right. Never bothered for one - only connects with his good friends and is a good mixture of savvy and solid.

Another used us as a don’t involve me in that as my mum will see…

one had his checked every night - while he slept. He didn’t know but it helped me manage the self harm, keep him safe and know when I needed a formal check to sort inappropriate image shit. I stopped as he became able to manage himself and don’t regret it at all.

The age limit for using WhatsApp is officially 16 anyway, so this shouldn't be an issue. WhatsApp helpfully provide information on how to help your underage child delete their account, in the very rare and unlikely event that they've somehow inadvertently created one! 😂
About minimum age to use WhatsApp | WhatsApp Help Center

Edit: sorry, my mistake. It's 13 in the UK. Although the NSPCC recommends 16+.
Is WhatsApp safe for my child? | NSPCC

If you genuinely made the deal then yanbu.....social media is fucking evil.

How do you do this?

I’m well aware re phones. I work in a school. I know exactly how they work and how naive it is for parents to think monitoring messages is remotely useful

And yet many parents have given concrete examples of when it has been very useful. No one is saying checking will catch everything but it serves a useful purpose in many different ways.