To read my daughter's WhatsApp messages

[JoelyJoe]

So. This is a genuine question, and I'm prepared for strong opinions either way, but I would really like to know what people think.
My daughter has just turned 13, she is in year 8 at school and has had a mobile phone since year 6. When she got the phone I told her the deal was that I would read her WhatsApps from time to time.
My reasons are to protect her / her friends, and to ensure that there is not bullying or situations / content that I think are inappropriate at her age. Social Media did not exist when I was young, and while I know that it can't be put back in the box, I think think there are inherent dangers... as many people do.
As I said, I have always been upfront with her that I will sometimes look at her messages, I don't do it very often, and obviously at some point in the near future (not sure exactly when though!!) I will stop doing it.
Any thoughts? Am I invading her privacy or is this a necessity to protect our young people... And for those of you who also do / did the same, at what age did you stop??

Do 13 year olds use what’s app ?
my teen was all snap chat messages disappear
instantly
I never monitored, but kinda wish I had
its like reading someone’s dairy tbh
never a great way forward

Hi op, I think what your doing is absolutely fine. My daughter is 15 and I go through her messages too.
I'll rather be safe then sorry. I don't care what people think. She is my daughter and ill do what I think is best. I don't go through her phone all the time but at least once a month

My daughter is 15. I told her when she first got a phone many years ago that I’d be checking it regularly. In all honesty I never did. On the occasions that I did check I often found inappropriate things. I actually stopped checking altogether a couple of years ago. Fast forward to now(well a couple of months ago) I had a message from her old best friend telling me she was going to attack my daughter. I messaged the girls mum to find out what was going on. Apparently she’d sent a suggestive picture to this girl’s boyfriend. When I quizzed my daughter she said “oh I just sent it to everyone”. So I asked to see the picture in question and there she was in her bikini, butt out, boobs out flaunting everything she’s got!
had a stern word with her and also found out that she had an instagram page that she had blocked me off. Where she was posting inappropriate pictures. It wasn’t a private account either so anyone could have accessed her pictures 🤢
a few months later I took her phone off her for behaviour issues. While I had it i decided it would be a good time to check through it. She had been sending nudes to her bf and had been googling p0rn videos. I spoke to her and told her it’s not acceptable. She told me I’d invaded her privacy. I just said I don’t care 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m glad I did it. That was September and she still doesn’t have her phone back. I told her she can have it back when she turns 16, to which she replied “then I can send all the nudes i want” so I just said well in that case you won’t get it back and will be able to buy your own when you get a job!
I’ve been in a group chat with teenagers before (when I was mentally unwell) and the videos they were sharing were absolutely shocking (beheading women, mass shootings of men on their knees by a machine gun) I ended up being called a pedo so removed myself from the group but I’ll never forget what I saw, and I don’t think they will either.
We as parents have got to protect our children. The www. Is a horrible place for our kids who are growing and inquisitive. As grown ups we know what not to search or share, but even adults find themselves in trouble online every now and then! Kids don’t see the harm in sharing these things, not knowing the psychological damage they’re doing to themselves or others

I’m a secondary teacher and head of yr 11. I think you have got this absolutely right. I check my 13 yr old son’s phone and he knows that this is a condition of him having it. My daughter is in y6 and does not have a phone.

As others have said, being able to blame your mum can be a useful get-out clause.

I suspect that those who are against checking phones might feel differently if they had dealt with the emotional trauma that I’ve had to mop up thanks to phones over the years.

My son is the same age and has had a phone since year 6. Part of our deal is he has Family Link on it. This allows me and his Dad to screen and block apps, we can locate him off our phones, set screen time and lock it. We also read his messages when we ask to look at his phone. He’s nearly 13 and I work in a school and have been briefed by police teams on cyber bullying and apps kids have been accessing when they aren’t appropriate. I also know the maturity of my son and how obsessed he can become over things so until he grows up a little bit and the responsibility of phone ownership is more instilled, that is how it goes or no phone. I think as a parent it is important to safeguard your children around technology and teach them how to respect it, we are their safety net.
I’ve seen plenty of kids who’s parents don’t give a hoot about what they are accessing and the trouble and emotional damage caused.

I would say keep the right to check as long as you can, puberty is fraught with many problems and this is the age when youngsters are seeking to be pressurised into sending unsuitable pics of themselves and just a quick skim over them now and again will do no harm. It's not as if you are looking at every message every time her phone pings.

I don’t think there really is a specific ‘age’ you should stop. I’d base it on the child and their maturity level and how much trust I have in them not to do stupid things. At 13 certain things will always be checked my me, probably not messages but I’d be checking a lot of other things like any new contacts they have and who they are, making sure their location/phone number/personal details are secure.

I see this as an invasion of privacy too. Would your DD not come to you with any issues?

Hmm it’s a bit of a hard one. I would only really look through if there’s a genuine concern on the horizon. I think doing random searches might be a bit iffy and could earn some resentment. But then again who can really trust social media and messaging sites these days

Part of the problem is that children don’t always recognise issues as being issues.

Please DO this...for as long as I'm paying for my kids phones I will check them.

They know thus. They have been told if you're not prepared to say it out loud don't have it on your phone.

I was made aware of 2 bullying situations starting and also online grooming by doing this.

Any rude/crass/nonsense/slagging me off I'll happily laugh of and ignore but not the above and grooming especially now has police involved...

I realise thus is an extreme but its a very hot topic and becoming very much "mainstream" not something to be shrugged off when kids arre going through their most vulnerable years.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.itv.com/news/wales/2023-09-01/policeman-made-4500-indecent-images-of-children-grooming-them-on-snapchat&ved=2ahUKEwjRnP3Ql7WCAxVrUUEAHbSzDoEQFnoECCkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3T9F0UdfkDM9FeyttraYKg

Sorry for the typos. Rushing on my phone 🙄

Safe.

Instead I had unmonitored access to the Internet and chat rooms where I came across the most awful of things, and paedophiles.

I'm going to be quite unpopular with my (now) 4 year old daughter when she gets older. Like fuck she's having social media, tiktok, WhatsApp and whatever else at age 10 - 15. Not under my roof anyway.

For anyone unsure check out kayleighs love story on YouTube, true story, can happen to anyone.

This can't be repeated too often. And Kayleigh Haywood was 15, for anyone who thinks they only need to check young teens' phones

She's thirteen. It's not snooping, it's safeguarding. And it's absolutely what parents should be doing when their children are allowed access to social media.

I can see the point of checking who they are talking to but reading conversations they are having with children you know does seem like an invasion of privacy. Obviously it will depend on the child but mine would have deleted anything they didn't want me to read anyway. I think people are a bit deluded to think otherwise if their child is reasonably intelligent.

They will just learn to find ways to prevent you snooping.

You think the parents of teens who have been reduced to suicide or been sucked into a dark life or groomed were all not brought up well or felt they knew their children and could trust them?
I think that's quite a naive view to take.

We were shown it in school, really upset me, just shows how easy it is to be groomed 😢

I have two d 14 and 12 almost 13. I have their tiktoks, snapchats accounts on my phone. It was a rule when they wanted to sign up. I also check their phones. This too was part of the agreement. I don't ever discuss anything unless it's necessary and inappropriate. Thankfully it's not happened so far but I'm their mother I'm here to protect them so I think you are right. It's not snooping. It was part of your initial agreement. You are doing it because you are doing it out of love. Not nosiness. I think devices and social media are mature tools that our kids need more guidance and protection from "Everyone is doing it" ect.

The rules of Whatsapp are 16+ so given that she shouldn't actually have it until then I'd say it's reasonable to say you could check until that age. That's what I did, never actually did check the messages but he knew it could happen if I felt it was necessary.

You’re protecting your child.

13 is too old for me teenage years would be the cutoff point.
I'd be uncomfortable if my parents were snooping on my personal conversations.
There has to be some level of trust and privacy.

I check my Y8 daughter's phone occasionally, but the main thing is that she knows that I might do this at any time (including as soon as she comes off a call/messaging session - no time to delete!) This was one of the terms of her having a phone, for which I pay. She accepts that and understands that I am concerned for her safety, and not at all interested in the chat between her and her friends. I don't check it often, because knowing that I can and will (mostly) keeps her from making stupid decisions regarding unknown people. Caring about and for her overrides any wishy-washy ideas about her right to privacy; she is my child, and I want to know that she is behaving in a safe and responsible way. There is so much cyber-bullying, and the MH of our teens is suffering. Her right to privacy from her Mother vs her right to be safe from people who may abuse her? I win!

My kids got phones when they started secondary. I always told them I could or would check stuff from time to time - and I did a lot when they were younger. Now they are 15 I never routinely 'check' as such - although I know their passwords and they leave their phones about - they are comfortable knowing I could.

We bought the phones and top up their PAYG if needed - they know the deal.

I think it's essential that parents retain control over this until about age 16, at least. The risks are so high - and kids can delete anything they don't want you to see anyway. I imagine most are happy to have some level of control/boundaries in place. It's such a risky area, and they are still children!