To get involved with niece in uni

[Grealish]

Was in my nieces uni town this weekend for work. Met up with her in the evening, took her out for dinner, and we went back to her flat afterwards. Her cupboards were EMPTY. She had a bag of pasta & a jar of pesto and no other food to her name. Asked her why and she eventually admitted she had no money to buy anything else. We had a big chat and she said she’s been struggling to find a job (she’s doing a really intense course, is in uni 9-7 each day) and shes scared to ask her mum for more money and has been eating a meal a day for the past couple of weeks. In Ireland so students don’t automatically get loans.

Oh my god when I say my heart broke seeing her crying over being hungry. I know all uni students are broke but the thought of my little niece hahahaha aw stop I was in bits on the way home. Went to Tesco to get her some food and left her a €50 note when I was leaving.

I rang her mum (my sister) when I got home and told her about it and she was very much of the attitude well she better get a job then because she pays her rent. I explained that she’s trying to and that her daughter is going hungry. I wouldn’t mind but my sis and her husband have good paying jobs (not rich but not stuck for cash by any means) and she’s their only daughter.

What would you do in this scenario. It’s really not my place to do anything but my hearts broke thinking about my little niece making her pesto pasta every day.

There’s nothing to stop you helping her out a bit if you want to, you don’t have to tell her parents. Other than that offer to look over her CV or speak to the uni to see if they have hardship funds. I’m sure they’d at the very least be able to help with food or something.

She's in Uni 9am to 7pm, seven days a week?

If you can afford to support with groceries I would. Within your budget though.

Jobs and uni can be tricky for subjects that are more demanding timetable wise. Can she do something from home? Ironing per basket or something?

I would aim to send something monthly. Maybe do an online food order for her. I would keep to the store cupboard basics - basic pasta, rice, tins of toms or tuna etc (whatever is on special), beans, lentils. That kind of thing. I might include some eggs or something, and a few bits of fruit. Keep the scurvy at bay!

That's assuming it is within your budget to help her out.

I would potentially tell her this is just a short term thing until she gets herself sorted - whether you want to do it longer term or not. She really does need to find a way of supporting herself longer term. Ask her what her fellow students are doing if they are all in Uni for so many hours each day?

And tell her to speak to her Uni - there should be people there who can signpost her to hardship funds etc.

Can she not get a uni grant? They should (don’t know for all unis though) give grants to people of parents who aren’t earning enough.

other options she could investigate:

• food banks
• Getting a short term overdraft to tide her over then her paying it off?
• agency work - she can pick and choose what hours she works. Great for slotting in with uni

I’m with her Mum on this, actually. I am a lecturer albeit in England so students do generally get substantial loans but most work PT too and they survive. I doubt the course is 9-7 even 5 days a week, however intensive it is. It’s far more likely to be 3 or 4 days a week max so she has time to work. She’s extremely fortunate that her Mum can and does pay her rent, this is not a luxury all students have.

It’s sad she’s going hungry of course but she should use that to fuel the urgency in getting PT work. Plenty of jobs going atm and careers advisors within the uni will be able to help with her CV, interview tips etc if she makes an appointment with them. Lots of places love taking on younger staff because they can pay them less, assuming Ireland has a lower min wage for under 25s like the UK anyway.

@TheresaCrowd I'm a lecturer, one of my own degrees was 8am-6pm minimum Monday-Friday and sometimes Saturdays. We also had extra course committments which could go on until 11pm occassionally.

@Grealish Can you search to see if there is a hardship fund at the university? Locally is there a community pantry/grocery or a Hindu/Buddhist temple that provides people with a hot meal each day without question?

I'd get involved too, I don't blame you. Can you help her with budgeting, apps like Olio etc?

Some of my students work nights and come in exhausted to morning lectures. It's very tough these days to be students.

Tell your niece to go to the uni and apply for a hardship grant.

Lots of students have courses that has them in uni for very long hours. Ds1 had hours like that mon-fri, dd is currently in from 8am to 10pm some days but is in from 9-6 at a minimum, ds2 is generally in 9-6 or 7 each day.

If they have that many contact hours during the week, it is pretty much impossible for them to get a job for longer than a few hours as evenimgs/weekends are taken up with work for their course and study.

OP - if you can help her out, I would do so. I assume she is doing a course with a lot of labs? Working a full day at the weekend would be very difficult. However, I would be pushing her to get a decent job over the summer. We paid fees and accommodation for our dc. We also paid food for ds1 in first year. They all had/have lucrative summer jobs so saved all that for their keep during the year. We also have them some extra money during the year, as did grandparents and one aunt.

My three dc had hours like that Monday to Friday.

And no, Ireland doesn't have a lower minimum wage for under 25's. It's different for u18's. It's very difficult to get a pt job for short hours. Most companies want a reasonable number of hours every week.

personally I would just buy her food every month. but I come from a culture where children are supported fully whenever they need it and vice versa. I couldn't put food in my mouth knowing someone in my family is going hungry.

Grants are based on parental income. Op said her parents are on a good salary so presumably she's over the threshold. They generally cover applying for grants as part of career guidance so unlikely she didn't apply if she was eligible.

If you can afford it I’d give her money or supermarket gift cards.
Can you help her with job search? I keep eye out for things that may suit my nieces.

I've bought my nephew a Sainsbury's gift card now and then. Not as a regular thing, but £20 occasionally. I agree that students need to learn to manage and budget and support themselves, but know that it can be hard and like the OP, I would feel awful if I knew his cupboard was empty and that I was able to help him.

If this is genuinely the case then I’d have to send her a Tesco voucher on a regular basis but my dd is at university (year 3) and it’s taken them until now to really get the hang of budgeting. They’d think nothing of blowing their budget for the week on partying and drinking and then having not much at all to eat for the rest of the week (🙄) I’ve bailed them out several times! (Sucker I am). It’s fairly normal for students not to work where my dd is as there aren’t actually that many jobs that fit around their studies but even the poorest students get grants and loans and bursaries etc so although I’m not too familiar with anything other than the England system do make sure she’s claiming everything she could be entitled to.

I would have done the same as you.
Got some food in.

As to whether I spoke to her Mum or not, it depends, a lot.
It depends on your relationship with your sister. It also depends on how you said it. An accusatory "How dare you let your dd starve" is very different from "I had a lovely time with dn at the weekend. I am a bit worried about her though. Have you had a conversation with her about her budget recently ? I know food costs and rent has gone up, but I was a bit concerned about how little she is eating, and her saying she can't afford to buy food".

I don't know anything about the student system in Ireland, but it does seem odd to be have to be in 9am - 7pm every day. Equally I don't know about Irish financial system for students, but here in the UK there are lots of hardship funds, grants and so forth where there is actual hardship. Might that be something worth looking in to ?

I think it's mean of her mum not to feel bad for her. But maybe paying the rent is stretching them. Thats a shame she couldn't get a loan to pay for food etc. I would say do her a shop every month for about €50 until she has a job . Ask her what she needs etc. Don't forget sanitary products.

Is there a back story? Mum is paying rent so could be £7000 a year out of net. It’s a big chunk to find id not saved. I’d be fed up as a mum if dc lazed in bed for 3 months all summer when could have saved a few thousand from working as a buffer. Or have they blown their summer job savings on a holiday. Does mum agree with course they are doing?

It’s really not my place to do anything

Well, of course it is, @Grealish!

It doesn’t immediately matter why she’s struggling - you’ve seen that she is, so you do something to make a difference.

Remembering the crippling poverty of some of my student days (20th century Oxbridge, and we weren’t supposed to take term time jobs) and the opportunities lost in my early career through sheer lack of money, there’s no way I’d stand by and watch a relative go through the same. So I have more than once filled a student family member’s Uni fridge and freezer and kitchen cupboards. As well as making sure they had suitable clothes and money for transport for interviews, etc.

But you can also help her address the specific difficulty. Find out if she’s getting all the help she should be from her university. Find out if there are areas where she’s spending more than necessary. Definitely ask her if she’s going short if anything else apart from food. (Obviously if all her money were going on tequila and fast cars you’d have noticed that?) Sit her down to apply for holiday jobs well in advance of the end of term. Just help her - this sort of stress can destroy a young person’s future.

You say students in Ireland don't automatically get student loans but is your niece not eligible for a loan or has she just not applied for one? Because if she can get a student loan but is choosing not to then she is choosing to struggle, especially if her parents are already paying her rent.

And I think you may be being too harsh on your sister. You say they are not rich but they are covering your niece's rent. That will be thousands every year - its not cheap. They may not be able to afford more.

Well done for having some empathy OP and yes of course help her if you can and want to. A food gift card or grocery order if you want to be sure she is using it for food.

When I was at uni I had 36 hours per week of contact time, plus then all the work I had to do for the tutorials etc. Very intense and no time for a job. Also would have massively impacted my studies had I compromised. My uni said they didn't want people to have jobs where poss and to apply for hardship funds so also make sure she is applying for everything she can.

Awful of her parents not to want to help. Their child having trouble feeding themselves while working so hard? There's life lessons and life lessons and I'm not sure this is the time for it.

I agree with others, support her by buying her food.
I would also suggest to her to speak to the university/ personal tutor to get a bit of help with finding a job. Or if there are any funds she can acess.

While I think the majority of uni courses are 3/4 days of study per week + so called independent study time. There are some niche ones that are really intense and require a lot more study hours. My DD is attending such a course, and working, even during the summer holidays can be tricky (DD only gets around 7 weeks for nx summer due to placements either end, they don't have reading weeks, unless you count 1st week in January and the 4 days before good Friday followed by 1 weeks worth of holidays.)

@Dahlia444 the parents are paying her rent, in what universe is that not helping?

Sorry, but those of you saying she needs to suck it up are incredibly unfair. If she's trying to find a job & can't get one, that's tough. Places are taking on seasonal staff right now, she may get something now.

DS1 is at uni. He does have a part-time job (Friday evenings & Sunday daytime- 12 hours) but sometimes he's sent home if it's quiet (restaurant & bar) & he has less funds. It's not often, but we give him a small allowance (on top of rent) to cover food if that happens. He's brilliant with budgeting & cooking from scratch/ taking leftovers for lunch- they need to be. But if for any reason he couldn't work hell would freeze over before he went hungry- I would go hungry before I'd let him.

You sound like a lovely aunt. Like PP have said, €20 here & there, if you can afford it, can get quite a lot of basics.

I feel for her as she won't even be able to go for a cuppa/ one drink with friends.

It's really tough for students. DS1's gf has been freezing in her flat- old building, although beautiful also baltic- & one flatmate refused to turn the heating on until 1st Nov (sensible, but hard when it's so cold you can see your breath- we're in Scotland). I've delivered our heated blanket & will buy her one as an early Xmas present.

I couldn't sit by and let her struggle. Surely turning up hungry or tired from a night shift will affect her education.
Dd isn't struggling for food as we pay for all sorts for her, but she would have difficulty trying to work, her course has them come in for practicals (not always at the uni itself) on days where she has no lectures so she'd be an unreliable on what days she could work with last minute call ins from the lecturers.
Maybe your niece cold look into working bank for a care home she could do two shifts over a weekend and then not be available when she is very busy with Uni.