To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

All children have different personalities. They got pretty lucky with theirs. They also only have one child, whereas you doubled your workload with two. It will pass. There aren’t many adults who will only eat chicken and wedges. Just don’t sweat it too much in the meantime. Humans are resilient, a limited diet for a couple of years won’t kill then.

If they’re as wealthy as you say then I’m sure they can afford a cleaner, hence the tidy house. Are you in a position to do the same?

You live in London, one of the best cities in the world for career development. What would you like to do? What skills and experience do you have that would transfer?

There really isn’t much difference between you and your friends, or at least nothing that can’t be changed if you want it to be.

I have a rude, grumpy teenage boy. I have brought him up to be kind, cheerful and polite, which he manages very well at school and when visiting his friend's houses.

At home with me, he's a horror. It is what it is, I just love him as he is.

I feel some of your pain OP. I have friends broadly similar to me in terms of income and lifestyle, yet i have a house like absolute chaos and theirs always seems to ooze showhome charm.

Like you say, comparison is the thief of joy and I'm sure their DD will find ways to stress them out at life stages that yours will breeze through. Try to pick your stresses a little, most children would have needed plenty of reminders for trick or treating, and my mid-teen son is only recently expanding his palate from what seems like a decade of living on cheese sandwiches. Hes a healthy wonderful, 5'10" polite thoughtful lovely boy so the limited diet doesn't seem to have caused major damage.

Career wise I have no advice I'm sorry, I'm on minimum wage in a job i never intended to get stuck doing. Just the house and kids side of things i totally hear you!!

Is this a joke?

Sorry, that sounded really rude, but you're healthy, have a relationship, cash, family, friends, home and job. I think you're doing well.

Comparison may be the thief of joy but you can also make it work for you. You need to start comparing yourself to those less fortunate to change your perspective and feel appreciative of what you have rather than what you don't.

Also, cut yourself some slack. If you have a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old, you are going to be knackered with a slight element of chap to your life! You also have no idea what life is like at your friends' house either. I bet they have their moments...

To some extent, it's personality. Some people are more laid back than others and it projects a calmness/sortedness that isn't actually borne out if you look at their life in forensic detail - it just has that appearance to them and others because they sweat it less.

Cleaning and tidying are two very different things. I have a tidy house and this is what I do to keep it that way.

If I use something, I put it away as soon as I'm finished with it. The kids are older now so the house isn't full of toys, but when they were little I put everything away at the end of the day. It made for a calmer evening once they were in bed.

Also, have less stuff. I'm tight on space and ruthless in getting rid of anything that isn't functional or brings me joy.

Also clever storage. I have two (out of three) ottoman beds and an ottoman footstool, utilise every cupboard and draw - but only with items that you use or need. I don't have any 'crap' draws in my house. Shoe storage on the back of the under stairs cupboard. Hooks on bedroom doors for towels and hoodies etc. (keeps them off the floor)

Kids are weird, try not to compare yours with your friends, you don't know what they deal with behind closed doors.

It sounds like doing a job you hate is really getting you down. Do you have any options there - change career, go part-time, get out of London etc? Might be worth spending some time with your DH dreaming about what you would do if money were no object - is there a way of moving your lives closer to this?

I also wonder whether there are some changes you could make to help you enjoy time with your kids more. I know you love them, but everything else you've posted is quite negative about them - I'm sure being so busy and tired is a big part of this. How about some counselling/therapy for you to explore this?

I think you need to start counting your blessings instead of being so negative about how hard/awful/tiresome your life is. Sounds to me like your life is pretty blessed: good double income, home owner, plenty of leisure time, a cleaner, all healthy etc etc. If your house is a mess then tidy shit up. If your children are horrors then discipline them consistently. Its not rocket science.

this didn’t sound rude at all - more incredulous than anything, a normal reaction
to such a spoilt, privileged extraordinary Monday morning bleat from - soundslike - possibly - East Dulwich

You need to own the choices you've made. If you aren't happy with your jobs and your careers, make a plan to change them. Or if you can't cope with the drop in income from what you'd ideally like to do, you need to acknowledge that that, too, is your choice.

Living your life like this comparing yourself is just... drinking poison and then wondering why you feel unwell. Accept your life and the choices that you made to create it. Make a decision to change it, or accept that you choose not to make changes.

You have money too, so it's not that.

Having more than one child more than doubles the work. They squabble, make messes together, wind each other up, copy behaviours, etc. It's also just luck of the draw.

You really need to work on not focusing on what you perceive as a lack. You're missing all the good bits of life.

Money buys time - time to teach, cook meals from scratch, keep a clean home (more hours with a cleaner/better storage/bigger house). Don’t underestimate what money can buy!

This is probably one of the most privileged things I have read on here. I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.

I have one dd....she is very different in company!

The key to a tidy home is regular decluttering, not buying more than you need, and good storage solutions. A cleaner is not a tidier, they can't help you if your house is untidy. It really bothers me if my house is a tip so I'm militant about decluttering regularly. Makes me feel so much better.
Other than that sounds like you're pretty lucky. You need to think about a job change if it's making you unhappy though.
Your kids sound fine/ normal. If you keep reminding them on manners they'll get there!

Give your head a proper MumsNet wobble . You are not "going wrong" at all. You and DH are working successfully at decent jobs though they aren't your ideal and you don't like them, and you have two young children who are healthy but not perfect, and a house that's clean but not tidy. What you have is just normal - a normal life, a normal family. It's an absolute waste of time wondering why your life isn't perfect and exceptional.

For example, your friends have an only DD with a compliant personality, while you have an ordinary multi-kid family. Reminding DS what to do at every door is ordinary parenting for an excited 5 year old boy.

When I feel down about other people, the thing that makes me feel better is to plan for one positive change to my own life. Whether it's organising the clutter, or having a monthly cooking session with the kids, or applying for a better job. If I focus on what I can do with my life, it stops me fretting about what other people have in theirs.

Your friends sound very unusual and you must know that. Your DC are still very little. It will get better. Focus on potential solutions to your career dissatisfaction, whether that's a plan to retrain or to do some arts on the side, or whatever will ease that situation short and longer term. But comparing your normal kids and pretty nice life with someone extremely lucky isn't helpful.

Is this real? There are literally people starving, living in war zones, homeless people on the streets in winter!!! Maybe stop comparing yourself to those who have more, and start to look at those who have less. You sound like you lead a very privileged life compared to a lot of people, I really can't understand what you have to complain about at all. You're the only person who can change what is wrong in your life, if you're not happy then do something about it.

And cue all the posters aghast that someone who is privileged can nonetheless be unhappy. I’m always reminded of my parents telling me that there were children starving in Africa when I didn’t want to eat my sprouts.

OP, comparison may be the thief of joy, but it also might serve to give you some actionable pointers for what you might want to improve. It sounds like your job might be one of the main problems (it’s difficult to feel satisfied in any aspect of your life if you’re not content with the way you spend the majority of your waking hours). Is there anything that you can do here? Would moving outside of London enable you to take a pay cut and do something else?

I have the same problem with having an untidy house, so if you find a cure to that then please let me know. I try and do a little bit everyday but often it’s not enough.

As to the kids, I hear you. Two is harder than one (I’m told) and they probably play off each other to a certain extent.

I am sorry that I don’t have anything really helpful to say about house/kids, but you are as entitled as anyone else to use this space to have a moan.

I have one child aged 5 nearly 6, she probably looks chilled when we are out and about in comparison to younger 2 child families but she is definitely not all the time! In fact I love the bones of her but she can be an over energetic nightmare! She also wasn't a good sleeper when young and we only turned a corner when she was 4.
I didn't have a second as I couldn't have coped.

You have 2 under 6, of course it's going to be harder than friends who have 1.
It will soon change and you'll be out of this hard phase. All children are different, have things they are better at, and have ages they are easier to handle than others.
You and your husband both have jobs and live in a nice area. It could be worse.

OP I sympathise re the kids situation. Dh and i have friends who seem to have the most passive easy kids. Its not for show, we have holidayed with them a lot and all the drama. comes from our kids. Parents call 'tidy up time' and they tidy, they call 'dinners ready' and they eat. Of course parents are calm because they have nothing to rattle them and everyone praises them for their kids behaviour. It absolutely drove me crazy for years, especially when our eldest were young together. You are doing nothing wrong but you have more challenging kids and that's who you got and you can't change them, life's a box of chocolates and all that. Just keep doing best and hang in there xxx

If your children are horrors then discipline them consistently. Its not rocket science.

@CalistoNoSolo Surely you don't think parenting is that simple? If that's all it took we wouldn't have books, blogs, websites etc about parenting. It's a million times more complex than rocket science. All children are unique and some are extremely difficult to rear.

Family money safety net helps get jobs in "artsy" industries, cleaner may be paid a higher wage to tidy as well, only 1 child makes a world of difference in terms of time spent focusing & working on child's manners etc

What alchemisty said.

You're doing fine, and it's human to be jealous sometime.

Few things I picked up from.your post made me wonder if your kids might be neurodivergent - and look, I don't know you and am not a doctor so please feel very free to ignore this. But not sleeping, being very picky eaters, screaming a lot at home while being angelic at school all rings a lot of bells.