To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

For all the people saying this person is over privileged...have you never coveted another person's lifestyle? I find that very hard to believe!

Sure but there's still a basic grasp on the reality that most people would know this friend's life is the exception. Even if I did covet their seemingly perfect life, I wouldn't think I'm doing something wrong in not having attained it. I'd be more likely to think they're exceptionally lucky because they were born minted and fell on their feet or whatever rather than attribute it to my own failings, because I know most people don't have anywhere near that level of privilege.

They have one child and you have two. Only children are generally calmer and better behaved than kids with siblings in my experience. Also each and every child is unique; even if they were parented exactly the same they would behave differently. 2 and 5 is tiny; just try to be patient and keep doing what you're doing, and chances are they'll turn out fine. That they behave well at school / nursery is a good sign.

"I have no less time in the week than they do"
Wrong. You said your kids are both terrible sleepers. Me too - my 9 year old still wakes me up every night, and I have to lie on his bed at night before he can get to sleep.
If your kids won't sleep you have no free evening time, plus you are exhausted and low on energy from the middle of the night wake ups. You can't 'wake up before the kids to get things done' because you're too tired, and when you try they wake up anyway. I tried powering through to get the housework done and within a week I was falling asleep at work and had to stop.
A poor sleeper truly changes the game, and accepting that and not blaming yourself helps.

Ps. No advice on sleep needed, we've tried it all and are trying to get some help via autism refferal route.

Why post and not return? Is it because you weren't validated?

I could have written your post!! I have a 20 month old and 4 year old and they are wonderful but completely chaotic. I work full time, as does DH and our house is a tip! No cleaner and I just can’t keep on top of it. No advice just empathy. I earn good money but DH does not so we’re behind our friends money wise. Depressing but there it is. I try and live day to day.

Yeah we all have friends or people we know who inadvertently make us feel a bit shit with their seemingly perfect lives. I have two old friends who are married to each other. She is a high achiever and works for global organisations all over the world. He is freelance and chooses his work. A beautiful home. Both stunningly gorgeous. As are their three children. Enough money. Great style. Loads of exotic travel. Really fit and healthy. I love them to bits but they used to make me feel shit in comparison by how amazing they are (not intentionally at all but my life seemed so drab in comparison). But then the reality is that recently they were talking about getting divorced. One of the children has an ED. He has struggled for work sometimes and has been quite depressed and recluse. Her boss is really toxic and has made her suffer terribly (even though she loves the job itself).

And when I found that out it just made me feel sad for them, because I love them and I was sorry to hear things have been tough. And no it didn’t make me feel any better as such. Just made me realise that we all have our struggles in one way or another. Maybe it’s a health scare. A needy relative. Debt. Obsessive behaviours. Anxiety. Neighbours from hell…..We don’t always know what others are going through. Nor should we.

Your life sounds perfectly normal. Your friends have one child not two. Two is a whole other world!!!! (I was an amazing parent when I had one child. Then the second one came along and all my amazingness was disappeared!!!) Don’t be hard on yourself. There may be friends of yours who look at you and feel a little pang of jealousy.

This isn’t helpful. Remember that other people, not just the OP, will read this and feel guilty about their comparatively inconsequential problems. Being grateful not to live in a fragile, high conflict area where you are at constant risk of death isn’t correlated with good mental health. No one should ever live like that, it’s not something to be grateful for.

Your home and family sound completely normal and you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Most of us have had that friend with the ‘perfect’ child and immaculate house. I don’t know how they do it - it doesn’t mean they are happier actually - it’s probably just a result of endless cleaning and one placid child.
Who knows- perfect toddler daughter might turn into a horrid teenager, things change, children change. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of mess and a lot of spirit in a household.

I’m really surprised at some of the lack of empathy in here. Two kids who don’t sleep on top of having to go and work in a job you hate is pretty soul destroying and would affect most peoples mental health. Apparently you can’t say anything because you’re being ungrateful and insensitive to all of the people worse off than you. People only live their own experiences and taking about the horrors people are going through in a war is ridiculous. Of course there’s no comparison, but I didn’t see the OP at any point comparing what life has dealt her with what life has dealt them. I was a broke single parent who often didn’t have enough money to eat after making sure my daughter had what she needed. I had an abusive ex partner who had mentally broken me and who sexually abused me on numerous occasions. Not once did I come on MN and see a post like the OP’s and think “how dare this person complain when I have it so much worse”. I bet most of the people shaming the OP because there are war cruises happening in Gaza are doing fine for themselves and fit well into the category of champagne socialist. Most people who have been though/are going through shit can feel empathy for other people and see that we can all struggle with our lived realities. There are always horrific and terrible things going on in the world, but that doesn’t mean someone who isn’t experiencing that exact level of suffering can never say anything or complain or struggle. That’s just a ridiculous notion. It’s not suffering top trumps. Jeez.

She’s making comparisons - it’s all relative.

I’m sorry but it’s not irrelevant at all and it may actually help people to think like this sometimes that’s all we are trying to say. She’s making comparisons to people better off than her so why not make comparisons to people worse off ! And no I am definitely not a ‘champagne socialist’ I’m an average working person also with 2 kids and don’t have much but what I do have is the ability to count my blessings!

Agree with PPs - your DC's behaviour is probably perfectly normal and your friends are just lucky to get a well behaved toddler. Give it a few years and things may well be completely reversed. Really don't compare!!

Most people say boys are the hard work until secondary, then it's the girls. A generalisation, but often true. DD 15 has always been pretty easy (fingers crossed it continues) - but a lot of her friends now have issues with spending all their money on fast fashion, boyfriend problems, vaping, and also a couple with anxiety and other more serious issues. Just because your friends have things easy now does not guarantee it will stay that way. Wish them well with their lovely life and continue to enjoy their friendship.

I think your jobs may be the problem. If you hate your work or don't feel fulfilled then that's sure to spill over into your view of your life as a whole. If it's that bad, find a way to change things. Don't focus on your 'perfect friends' - accept them for who they are and focus on making your lives as ideal as you can. But yes - count your blessings!!!

My thoughts exactly!!
What is it with some people that they're never satisfied no matter what their circumstances are?!🙄 Instead of 'popping into' her friend's house and giving it the green eye a few times a week perhaps she could volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter to see how 'the other half lives'! 🤔Some people just don't know how lucky they are and are too busy complaining at how things could be so much better before stopping to consider how much fucking worse they could be?!! 😏
Sorry but this sort of pointless whinging makes me REALLY angry in these days of austerity and hardship with so many people having to go to food banks even when they have jobs, sometimes even with 2 wages coming into a household! 😡
So many families are living in one room in a hotel because the councils have got no homes to offer them and they can't afford to rent in the private sector...I could go on, but I won't!!! 😱

You also have to bear in mind that all children are different and can vary massively. My youngest child is so different to her older brother. From day one it was an easier experience with her. Her sleep was much better, there were no feeding issues. She’s really well behaved - if we ask her to do something e.g. get dressed for school, she does it without issue. If we ask the same of her older brother it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. So we haven’t found having 2 any harder because the younger one isn’t any trouble at all. I think it depends on the children and family dynamic.

Their daughter could be great when in company and a terror when it's just the three of them.
She could also be a dream in all aspects and will always be.
It has no bearing on your life.

Many families have steady none stressy lives, they manage to get the balance just right or are lucky to have kids who slot in with ease.

Many other families/couples and even single people find life stressful and feel they can't get on top of things.

There are many reasons for it, and without knowing you, we can't say why.
It could be that you're both not great at organising a home, cleaning/tidying as you go, planning meals ahead, setting routines for the kids and family time etc.

You say you did all the things you're meant to, but we're you consistent in especially discipline?

Why not ask your friends how they do it, Could be something obvious that you're overlooking as our brains are not wired the same.

I was a perfect child until the age of 16, my brother has been a perfect child all his life, now nearing 50.
We're all different OP.

As others have said, try and change your jobs as if you're miserable, it will filter through to your home life.

OMG, its never enough for some people. Count your blessings, OP. I bet your fiends have someone they are envious of, too.

Get out of the house more if you can. Sounds like you're not doing much you enjoy. You need some joy in your life. Very small things can make a difference. Also be easy on yourself.

For comparisons sake, I'm 39, rent a room in a flat share, will never have kids now, and have no friends any more. I was really sad and angry about all this for some time, but slowly managed to make my peace with it. I have a stable job, a roof over my head, and a relatively drama free life. In today's world, can't ask for much more.

You wanted to know where you're going wrong?

You're comparing your children to other children instead of accepting them for who they are. You'll spend years fighting it and nothing will change.

In my experience, a messy house is a lived in house, as long as its not filthy any social worker will tell you its a place of a happy family.

You are not doing anything wrong. You just have two children. It's not twice the work, it's more. And your children are not theirs, it's just some are easy and some are difficult. And your children are 2 and 5! Those ages are CHAOS!

Sounds like you are unhappy though. Maybe that is something to look into instead. Depression is not always shutting down, sometimes it's feeling inadequate and that others are doing better. Take care of yourself, no one else will do that for you.

Try comparing down, not up. It's better for your soul. You have a job, a house, a husband, two healthy children doing well at school, spare money for a cleaner. You have lovely friends. You have everything you need to be happy, so stop looking around after the two or three things you don't have for God's sake and enjoy your life.

Come to my house if you want to feel better 🤣

It does sound to me like a discipline issue just on the mention about food. And im not passing blame as some kids are just harder work than others - mine is very headstrong. Write down what you can do to install boundaries and create change. It won't be easy but will work in the long term. For example, don't buy any nuggets or wedges in. I have had to do this with teenager who has gone backwards with eating. No more fizzy drinks in the house, no more white bread as would come in from school and eat 6 pieces of white bread instead of the dinner in the fridge. She is now starting to eat most of her dinner instead of poking around with it and filling up on toast. Same with other aspects you are struggling with - just think about what you can change in sleep routine and stick to it no matter the difficulties e.g. I set alarm clock on my phone 8:30pm and teens devices need to come downstairs and be placed on charge - she was watching netflix into early hours on school night. Its not easy but make changes and stick to them.

You are not going wrong aanywhere. Take stock of what ypu have and list the positives. There are many. Ditch the negatives and remember you only know what goes on behind Your Own closed door.

Their DD might be too scared to misbehave for all we know

You're doing great OP

We're all better or worse off than some people

God that sounds trite sorry

But it's how I'm feeling today

I'm grateful for what I have and trust me I want so much more but I'm doing ok