To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

You don't know what happens behind closed doors. What they show to others may not be what happens at home when they're alone, keep that in mind.

It sounds to me you have a very normal life - are you happy? Do you have a good marriage and relationship with your kids? Family and friends?

Some things you could do to make things easier:

1. Get a cleaner more often
2. DE-CLUTTER - less stuff = less mess!!
3. Your kids are now old enough to understand consequences and rewards - punish bad behaviour appropriately and reward good (and I don't mean punishing them for struggling to sleep... I mean as in if they hit others etc).
4. Do stuff for yourself - do you have any hobbies? They can bring a bit of magic into your everyday life.
5. Your family is the most important thing. Focus on it and not on others.

your post made me wonder if your kids might be neurodivergent - and look, I don't know you and am not a doctor so please feel very free to ignore this. But not sleeping, being very picky eaters, screaming a lot at home while being angelic at school all rings a lot of bells.

sounds like standard behaviour to me. Kids use up all their energy being “good” at school then act out when they get home in their safe space. Other people’s children always look like angels in comparison but you’re seeing them on their best behaviour.

I thought it sounded completely normal behaviour too!

My best friend works as a private tutor to secondary age children of people in your friends' money bracket. She says they're the worst behaved children she'd ever seen. One counts one's chickens in the autumn. On a separate note, you have 2 children, your friends have one. It's a big difference. It sounds your job is a major source of dissatisfaction. Can you do some courses and slowly retrain? Another friend of mine used to earn big money working in IT in the City of London. Then she trained as a sports physio and then moved into hypnotherapy. She is now self-employed. She says she makes more money doing what she loves than in her old job.

Your life sounds pretty good to me. Maybe work on finding a job that suits you better, and appreciating what you have. If these perfect friends make you feel insecure and you can't stop comparing, find some slummy ones who make you feel good about yourself. Or sell off one of your kids - that's probably why your friends look like they're coping so well.
Seriously though, just because they seem to be winning at life doesn't mean they feel that way. And it doesn't mean they don't have private problems. Maybe they envy your two-child family, for example. Build your confidence in your own world, make changes for your own growth, and ignore the other buggers.

It's so hard not to but comparison is awful. Individually it sounds like you have so much to be happy about.

I would say though, I live in fairly large home and a larger home is so much easier to keep tidy as you have so much more storage. I have a cleaner too though as more area to clean but it really does help with tidiness.

Would you have a good clear out of your home? I hate clutter and I have a cull of all faff and toys around twice a year. I always feel so much better afterwards.

Please watch reels of Gaza at the moment - dead children in their parents arms - children blinded burnt and maimed, thousands orphaned - fathers dragging out half a child’s body from under their destroyed home. Compare your life to this and your mindset will change.

Thinking drastically, I'd start a business with your partner. If you're both creative and miserable in your jobs? Maybe an art therapy class, lots of children, people with dementia/LD/mental health issues or their carers will pay £5 a session for art therapy, messy art play session for kids etc etc

That's just one option, but you catch my drift. You can light the spark of a business venture and see how it grows. You may both end up quitting your soulless jobs and doing something fulfilling.

@Bublebathe don’t forget the cleaner 😆

Spend 15 mins tidying before you go to bed. Both of you.
Make your children tidy up after themselves.
Discipline your children more, set boundaries and stick to them. Children have personalities for sure but if your 5 year old is not saying thank you, he hasn’t been taught he must.
Practice gratefulness.
Your friend has one child, not two so that’s a game changer!
you have to change your mindset. You are very privileged, enjoy your wonderful life. Money, a home, a partner, healthy children. let go a bit more.

stop comparing your life to those you emulate but instead look at EVERY/ANY aspect and see how it could improve and how you do that, and put your effort into making changes. Something useful, something simple? Doesn't matter, don't look how far you have to go, how shit everything is... small steps. Don't try to make 300 changes at once, do some, let them embed, let it become norm then see where you are, where you can make a difference and introduce more.

This sounds an emotional issue more than a practical one… you are running a busy life on very little sleep…. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer. You’ll have little energy (physical or emotional) or motivation I’m guessing… so even if you have extra time, this negates that.
Just hold on to the fact that things will get easier. Once the little ones are sleeping better their behaviour will get easier and more consistent, you will have more energy and emotional resilience to cope with things and likely get back on top of things. Don’t be too hard on yourself xx

Read how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Pick 3 areas you want to improve in your life. House, job, children.

What could be done to improve your house? Write a list, pick 3 items. I'd recommend reading the organised mum method as one of them.

Job. What do you actually want to do? How would you get there? Further training? Start up? Write a list, and think about how to get there. You won't get there straight away, but maybe you could do HR for some creative company? Pick 3 things from your list.

Children. They are a very long term project. What kind of childhood do you want them to have? What concrete steps could you take to get them there? I'd say buying weighted blanket would be top of my list to try and get them to sleep better.

Pick as date in the future. Find yourself a mentor/buddy/sympathetic friend and on that date go through your goals with them and see how far you've got. If you haven't done everything don't panic - if you've done something then you'll have made progress and will be closer to having the life you want.

Maybe pop round your friends a bit less frequently. That way you gain some tidying up time and have less time to compare.
We are all different. I had a friend who had to have things tidy even if it meant staying up until 2am to achieve this. Personally I need my sleep so I’ve never done that. Her house was tidier than mine. I liked hers better but not at that price.

I agree with PP saying sleep deprivation is a huge deal. Much harder to stay on top of tidying if you're knackered every evening (and also a bit over stimulated from engaging with boisterous kids). If your friends have a good sleeper that makes a massive difference.

There's a lovely book called The Comparison Coach by Lucy Sheridan that might help.

I do actually think this post is relevant at this particularly gruesome time in our lifetimes. I always think like this when I feel a bit cheesed off with the general grind - I really try and count my blessings compared to whatever atrocity or natural disaster is going on in the world. I KNOW it sounds trite and holier-than-thou, but so be it.

Life isn't a bed of roses. The normal human condition is to be slightly low but with general realistic contentment and moments of happiness. I honestly believe it.

And comparison IS the thief of joy. You said it yourself OP so do try to live by that mantra.

This. You are much more fortunate than so many others including myself. Some people would kill for what you have.

I had a friend with an immaculate house - but also a full-on life/death NHS job, a husband who is a bit of an arse and 3 teenage children who don't particularly get on. She has high blood pressure and is complaining every time I see her. But her house is gorgeous, her garden is gorgeous. Is that a good thing? I don't think so. She gets up 5am to iron. That's on her.

Not sure how best to respond to this - your post is uncomfortable to read tbh - I don't mean to be unkind, it's just that it comes across as tone deaf in the current climate - which makes me wonder what is stopping you from seeing how much you have? Do you think you might be depressed or have lasting post-natal depression? Sleep deprivation is awful, but this alone doesn't lead to this level of comparison/'poor me'. If you think you may have depression, then go and speak to your GP. Other than that, my thoughts are...

• If you don't like your job, change it.
• If your house is a mess, tidy it up - with the whole family involved. Develop tidy habits: put stuff away after usage, clear out clutter, invest in storage.
• If your kids are rude, teach them to be polite. This is an on-going lesson - it rarely happens overnight.
• Cut them and you some slack. 2 and 5 is very, very young. Nobody expects them to be perfect, you shouldn't either.
• If you must compare yourself with others, try balancing this out by also comparing yourself with people who are less fortunate. I work with adults who have learning difficulties. Many of them have now lost their families and are alone trying to navigate the world but without the skills to do so. Most are on benefits, have no transport, are lonely and vulnerable.

Your life sounds completely normal - in fact better than normal if you both earn well, can afford to live in a nice area of London, have a cleaner and two healthy kids. Most kids are quite a handful at two and five. The little angels are the exceptions. Maybe your friend's house is tidier simply because they have more space? Our last house was always messy and cluttered simply because there was no storage space. We moved in to a bigger house with lots more space, cupboards etc and now it's really easy to keep it tidy.
I think you need to stop comparing and start appreciating what you have.

Do you have too much stuff? Decluttering is the first step to having a peaceful tidy home. My house always used to be a mess but I’ve got rid of loads of stuff and it feels so much better and is much easier to keep on top of. There are loads of decluttering channels on YouTube for inspiration, I like the minimal mom.

Money absolutely does buy a tidy home - the bigger the house is, the easier to keep it tidy.

Also, you can't compare the behaviour of a 5yo boy with a 2yo girl. It's just too different to be comparable!

I learnt ages ago not to compare our lot with uni friends, at least not the ones that earn more iyswim. We know more than one couple that earn 6 figures each (I mean, both the husband and the wife earn that) - while dh earns almost as much I earn way way less. Also, nearly all my friends got 2.1s or 1sts and both dh and I got 2.2s. Most of them don't have children (yet) so go travelling ALL the time and have bags of disposable income.

I look at it the other way - I'm so lucky to have my dh and dd and a ds on the way. I know a few of my single friends would love kids but are still single so can't yet. I love our house even if it's technically valued lower than some of our friends' houses: my wood flooring is my pride and joy and we have the most glorious climbing rose up the back wall. If I swapped houses with one of my friends big glam houses that would be bye-bye rose. I also love my (delightfully part time) job even though I earn less than a third what those friends earn.

Do you have an equivalent to my climbing rose? Something that's unique to your house.

Hating your job can really put a downer on you. Can you change? I am trying to change currently and even just applying makes me feel more in control.

Please don't compare yourself or your life to anyone else's. We all have skeletons in our closet. You really don't know what issues they face and they probably won't tell you as it will burst their perfect bubble in your eyes.

Parenting is hard, really hard. Tonight I lost my shit with my 12 year old and tomorrow I'll probably do the same after a fight with my 15 year old. 🤷🏼. I'm worn down like 99.9% of parents no doubt.

Our life was vastly different when we had only one child. I wouldn't be without the second but things very definitely changed after they arrived! Maybe that's the thing with your friends?