To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

Some children learn to be angelic in company and different behind closed doors sooner than others. Agree it might be worth looking into neurodivergence though in case.

Can you get a house keeper rather than 'just' a cleaner? Mine sorts and tidies etc as well as cleaning (I have a disability so struggle with this).

As for the jobs thing, maybe just start both keeping your eyes out for new roles, sometimes a bit of a shift will do the trick. Or perhaps you need time for a creative outlet, whether that's a hobby or (in time) a reduction in hours so you can invest some time on this?

Also my house stayed lovely when I had one child, it regularly looked like marauding chimps had ransacked l it once I had two (until they got a bit older)

Tbh if I just had my eldest I’d think I was the Lord king of all parenting. She’d have been eating those dinners at 2, being polite etc. I’ve never had to make or even encourage her to do homework, she just does it.

My youngest taught me that it’s not thanks to me!

This is a mad suggestion - you can’t just start up an art therapy business if you are not a trained art therapist. Or, you can hit it would be massively unethical and likely not successful.

Anyway - OP we all have days when we are jealous of someone else’s life. The thing is thought, their life really has nothing to do with yours. You may as well be jealous of Queen Victoria, but obviously that would be silly because you realise her life’s circumstances could never have been yours (and she’s dead, but the points remains). As others have said work out what is the core cause of your dissatisfaction and change it.

"Comparison is a thug that robs your joy."

I completely agree with this. I know what some people will say… oh everyone has a right to moan or feel down actually no they don’t, not everyone does, not right now!

I dont know, sometimes it's helpful to examine what our envy is telling us we need to change in our lives.

And while, yes, I do think we should try to be content with our lot, it's pretty human and natural to compare. And struggles can easily start to feel overwhelming if they pile up.

I have a rude grumpy 38 year old son. He is horrid to me and charming to everyone else and they all say how lovely he is and what a credit he is to myself and my husband. I hope yours grows out of it

Your son must have some kind of personality disorder

In my opinion, it's the job satisfaction that might make you feel that way.

If it’s any consolation, my almost 3 year old is usually an absolute angel when out and about, or in other people’s company. He can be a little monster when we’re alone in the house. Things aren’t always as they seem! Your friend’s children might be much harder work than you think.

Do you have 2 boys? 1 child vs 2 makes such a difference, and usually girls are easier and also make less mess. This means parents have more time and energy to tidy up (and the house is tidier to start with), teach manners. Also way easier to involve one child in cooking the family meal vs two, or easier to go to nice restaurants.

Why? And who gets to be the judge of that? You?

🙄

Fucking hell! So your kids are not the same as your friends, stop being jealous. Do you know how spoilt you sound, I can't believe you have actually listed all the positives in your life and still moan, you have a cleaner, both in well paid jobs, have money, own a house, lucky enough to have children what more do you want?? A child that folds a napkin on their lap and prayers before every meal. You've really annoyed me because you haven't got problems at all compared to some people.

She did sound rude and you even more so.

A previous reply had said maybe the op should take the time to look what’s going on in Gaza and realise what she actually has, Surely with what’s going on right now moaning online about such menial things is not really appropriate. honestly some people have lost all their children in horrific ways or are worried each night they will be blown up and the op is moaning cos her kids won’t sit and eat a venison pie and her friends house is tidier how ridiculous does it sound.

Perhaps you should read Edith Eger's book, The Choice.

She lost almost all her family and suffered unbelievably in the Holocaust, but talks movingly (as a therapist now) about how it is important not to apply this type of "someone has it worse" logic to stop people talking about their struggles

Oh I totally get that, but this is hardly a struggle is it. which part of your house is a mess and your kids misbehave sometimes is a struggle its just normal life. And Its not just oh some people have got it worse its some people are living in actual horror as we speak.

You're missing the point then.
Actually a messy house and the other battles op described can feel overwhelming. Particularly when they layer on top of each other.

Whataboutery is unnecessary and mean spirited.

We can be horrified by what else is happening in the world and also sympathetic to other people.

@OhsoNat you’re being spiteful. Should people with mental health difficulties put up and shut up because there are people in physical peril? Am I allowed to be pissed off with my husband not tidying his clothes away when there are women suffering domestic abuse? Is my mother allowed to be upset that her sister has died at home surrounded by loved ones when there is a war on (which, by the way, there undoubtedly always is. It might not be all over the media but there are always children being killed as a result of conflict, somewhere)? Are you allowed to be annoyed at someone expressing their unhappiness on MN when there are people committing suicide every second of every day?

Who chooses the ranking?

OP is not posting about serious mental health issues or someone dying or anything significant like that. Other people on this thread have also commented the same sort of thing, sorry but this post come across as very privileged and entitled.

There's pretty much always war somewhere in the world. What on earth does this have to do with the OP?

It's kind of sick how some of you are using the deaths of children in a war zone as a way to berate someone online looking for support and empathy-wash your nasty comments and lack of compassion. Some PP sound unhinged tbh.

OP - I personally think it's your job. We spend so much of our 'good' hours at work (by which I mean, daylight hours when we have the most energy), if our job is too unfulfilling it can make life feel disatisfying even when immediate material needs are met. If both you and your partner are frustrated creatives it can be hard to see people making money doing something they love. Any chance you can find something a bit more fulfilling? Slide sideways in your field, secondment, side hustle?

You have 2 kids and they have one. That in itself is a massive difference. All kids are different and some are genuinely more challenging than others. I have a wild boy and an easy girl. If they were both like my son I’d be coping a lot less. Perhaps you could outsource some other tasks to make your life easier? Online grocery shopping, more childcare etc.

I think it’s your house that’s bothering you.

can you pay a professional declutter er to work for you for a few days and get your house in order

For all the people saying this person is over privileged...have you never coveted another person's lifestyle? I find that very hard to believe!

OP your post is honest and reasonable. Many people look at others lives and think they are doing so much better than them...it's what social media is built on! The things to remember are that what people allow you to see is generally not the whole picture. I have a few friends like yours but their lives are far from perfect and lacking in other areas. Kids make a mess. Kids that aren't allowed to make a mess rarely grow up with much creativity or imagination and don't have as much fun. Constantly reminding young children of manners is absolutely normal! You don't mention what childcare you and your friends have in place? Could this be making the difference? Also it's all about priorities. When you work full time do you prioritise relaxing time with your family or tidying the house?

My main point is you are perfectly normal. If your untidy house is bothering you take some steps towards changing it, the same with your career. There will be another person looking at your life and wondering why they can't be like you. It's the way the world works. Try to take a leaf out of your kids books and stop and smell the daisies. Appreciate all the small things and enjoy your time with young kids as it goes so fast.