To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

Your children are good in school, they’re saving all their energy for home. A messy house with young children is a happy house. Embrace your life and live it, let your hair down and throw caution to the wind. Last but not least, look at what you have and not at what you haven’t.

This is probably one of the most privileged things I have read on here. I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.

I don't post on Mumsnet very often but when I do it is often about politics and I always make it pretty clear that I am a socialist.

However, I do not think money buys happiness and I think that people on a decent income can be screaming inside - and sometimes outside. I am sure the OP is aware that she is lucky to be financially comfortable. But she has come on here to say that despite her material advantages she is struggling. She has two small children and a job she doesn't like. All the money in the world won't change that. Someone once said that an upper-class mother and a working-class mother have far more in common, and far more solidarity, than a woman without children and a woman with. I think any mother is entitled to come on Mumsnet and ask for support because being a mother is the most difficult thing in the world. Please be kind.

2 children instead of 1 can tip you over your “coping” cliff, so that may be it. The kids will get older and easier to cope with, their exuberance may well be an asset when they’re older and a source of joy not exhaustion.

But it may be that you just aren’t the neat, tidy, everything in its place sort of person that your friend is. Do your kids have more toys and more clothes? Do you take short cuts because you want to do something on the spur of the moment and take advantage of a whim? Obedient polite young children are easier to manage but they may also be learning to conform and be compliant in a way that will not stand them in good stead when they’re older.

Kids are different and parents are different. Not being like your friend isn’t the same as “going wrong”.

Oh give over

They have one perfect child? Depends what your definition of perfect is I guess

My kids are absolute firecrackers and push me to my limit but I do pat myself on the back that they are kind, have great personalities and do well in school. No they won't eat Thai curries, but neither would I at that age

Same. You need to own your choices, OP, and try to get some perspective.

My advice as a mum who has two grown up kids, enjoy them now. Don’t worry about a bit of mess, spend time with your kids; do nice things and enjoy your time with them. Your friends DD spends most of her time with adults unlike your two who have each other to bounce off, it’s a different dynamic. Honestly enjoy.

I think its only human to feel envious. Maybe you need to start thinking about how to change things like your career. Could one retrain? And your children, isnt it normal that they are different with others? I dont know any children who do the mindful chef thing aside from one whose parents own a restaurant so she eats everything. Do you need the cleaner more regularly. We know someone fairly wealthy who has someone 4 days a week and their home is spotless.

For me, my comparison thing is always two parent families because im on my own as a parent. I have a good income, great home, wonderful children but that aspect used to make me feel incredibly low. We all have our weaknesses!

Very East Dulwich.

everything you said about your life and kids sounds completely normal to me and you cannot always take things at face value…You don’t know what issues people have behind closed doors that’s why I never compare my family to others because everyone has their own issues . How about comparing yourself to people who live in hostels with their kids, people who have nothing and have to go to food banks you may start to realise how lucky you are.

Instead of popping into your friends tidy home several times a week, go home and tidy up. (Joking, but couldnt resist!)

Is it really about the other family? Or just that you feel things are hard work / not enjoying parenthood as much as you thought / knackered need a break!

Appreciate what you have

Ahh, a girl after my own heart. If there’s one thing these house organiser experts never tell people don’t pick something up twice it’s not rocket science 🤷‍♀️

OP. Is it possible that your cleaner could do more hours ie, put the washing on when she arrives, hang it out/ tumble dry before she leaves.

I know, right. I was sat there reading it with a rubbish income, I will never be able to get a mortgage and own my own house, let alone live in London, thinking ‘you lucky cow’.

If you sort the main things: you and DH working in jobs you hate, the small things will become insignificant.

The thing that stood out for me was that both you and your husband hate your jobs, and that general discontent may well be filtering down to the children.

Can you change your career path? Do something more fulfilling? It isn't always about the money.

It can come down to personality, your child’s and yours!
I have to work so hard to keep my house tidy.
We prioritise having time in and together over fancy days out. One of my friends takes her children on many more experiences but spends little time on routines and I think devoting time to eating, manners etc really dies make a difference.

First off you hate your jobs - what can you do to change that

then try to look at how you can work the chores - you pop in to theirs several times a week

then with kids - personality and only child girl I would say. dD was like that, and is a fairly easy teenager, not fussy (though vegan) has two part time jobs at grammar school. Then there is DS!

I'm sure I'll be slated for this because we all need a moan now and then, but this is the way I think when I'm feeling like I want more from my life.
If you have a home, food on the table, and can tuck your kids into a warm, safe bed at night - you have won the lottery of life.

my daughter was just like theirs at that age, her head started spinning at about 12 and i had 5 years of her hating every part of me and being a complete cow

she's back to age 2 behaviour now, your boys are hard work now but my understanding is that theyy are way more human as teens!!

A week living on my council estate with my two teens and working my low-paid full-time role in mental health and I think you'd realize how lucky you really are.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

When you're unhappy at work, it spills over into other areas of your life. I'd suggest looking at career change

And, ruthless decluttering

Remind yourself that you are only a visitor so what you are probably seeing is a facade, behind it may lurk some real horrors like cocaine, OCD and Kylie CDs.

You’re not ‘going wrong’. You’re doing a great job. Parenting is difficult. It’s so natural to compare ourselves to others; we all do it. And if you’re anything like me you’ll feel the weight of other’s judgements (real or perceived) on your family.

Having said that, if this bothers you so much and if you’re so cut up about it then it could be that you’re depressed. You can be the most privileged person in the world and still be depressed. When someone is depressed comparison is a demon, it takes over everything. Only you know if this is true.

Does anything in your life make you happy/pleased?

Keep on holding your family dear you’re doing great.