To be really down and wondering generally where I’m going wrong?

[Kimmil]

Before I start, I know comparison is the thief of joy etc. but even knowing I shouldn’t compare I still do, I can’t help myself.

I have 2 children, a lovely DH and a house, in a lovely area of London.
I work in HR and hate it, my husband hates his job too. We both fell into these roles after doing creative/arts courses and struggling to find anything related. We make a decent amount though so hard to complain.
I love my children but they are hard work, they are 2 and 5. Both hardly sleep, are screamers etc. school and nursery praise them endlessly but at home they are a nightmare.
To top it off my house is always a mess, we have a cleaner who is incredible and cleans around the pile of washing, kids toys and whatever else but it’s still always messy.

In comparison I have 2 friends, someone I went to uni with and his wife, they live locally too. Both earn 6 figures individually in jobs they love (entertainment industry), live in a gorgeous 5 bed house (must have cost well over a million or be worth that now). They have a little girl who is so polite and calm, she puts my two to shame (we went trick or treating with them and their daughter had her manners perfected at 2, my DS needed reminded at every door and he’s 5). She speaks very well for her age and is a genuine delight to be around. My kids are so picky getting them to eat anything other than chicken and wedges is like mission impossible. Their daughter sits down to mindful chef meals with them most nights and eats all sorts from Thai curries, to salmon and venison pie!!
I pop in several times a week and their house is never messy, sometimes toys are out or there’s some clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded but it’s a beautiful home, I always feel calm and relaxed when I pop in.

The issue is, I don’t get where I’m going wrong? I have no less time a week than them, infact DH has more time off than them too. I did all the parenting things I’m meant to from food to manners. I try to keep on top of the house but it builds up from nowhere.

I want to say it comes down to money, that’s the only difference. But money doesn’t buy manners or tidy houses (they have the same cleaner as us and just as frequently). I don’t get it.

AIBU to feel so down about this, it bothers me so much that their life is in such better shape than mine!! I don’t know where I’m going wrong.
Any ideas on how I can improve the situation?

You can be materially comfortable but miserable and unfulfilled. Perhaps some coaching or therapy could be helpful in identifying what would make you feel more fulfilled, be it in a professional career or outside of it.

Also, I know this sounds incredibly holier than thou/moralistic, but one of the best ways to increase your happiness is to do more for others - there is a real, solid psychological basis to this! Sometimes that can come from eg children and work, but if you're not enjoying your job, it is less likely to fulfill that role for you. So, doing some volunteering, mentoring etc could be a good thing to look into.

I can tell you where you’re going “wrong”. You have 2 kids. They have 1. It makes all the difference. If they have more kids any time soon their lives will change.

I only have a 2 year old and we aren’t having anymore. Because of that my home is cleaner/calmer than other peoples who have more kids. My 2 year old probably is “better” behaved because I can focus completely on him and he isn’t getting riled up with a sibling.

In exchange for a slightly more chaotic life you have a second child. Maybe they’d love a second child and are struggling. Maybe they’re stoping at 1 because they think they could never cope with 2 as well as you do.

I’m sure you are aware that you have a very enviable life compared to most people.

Money can make a difference.

More storage space for a start can make a big difference. Mess and clutter will look like less spread across a mansion than it will a small house. People with money probably don’t worry about putting the dishwasher on multiple times a day or running the tumble dryer so mess doesn’t build up in the same way. Being able to buy mindful chef box each week means less time on shopping and generally the meals are designed to be quick and easy to make.

Having one child instead of two is obviously going to make a difference too. Whilst one parent does bath/ bedtime etc the other can be cooking/ tidying/ hoovering etc to stay on top of the housework and there will be half the toys/ laundry/ mess/ clutter that builds up with one child plus half the amount of admin like appointments, school/ nursery stuff etc.

MorrisZapp · Today 11:44

I have a rude, grumpy teenage boy. I have brought him up to be kind, cheerful and polite, which he manages very well at school and when visiting his friend's houses.

At home with me, he's a horror. It is what it is, I just love him as he is.

Thanks for your post - me too!

I think we all covet other people's lives, money, kids, homes etc. to a certain extent but there are people out there who would love your life.

Also, if 18 year old you looked at your life now, would they think bloody hell, I've done alright for myself?

It's all relative

This
You should start counting your blessings…seriously

@notwavingbutdrowning1 being a mum is NOT the most difficult thing in the world. 😆However I agree that someone should be able to ask for support on Mumsnet and not be judged for it.

OP you really said it at the start - comparison is the thief of joy. Your kids are little brats who won’t eat their dinner and shout all the time… so what? You’re not living in a Roald Dahl novel, you can still parent your way out of it. Just enjoy the bits you can enjoy and keep working on the rest. We are all a work in progress. I bet even your friends who have it all figured out still aren’t 100% satisfied with life.

People are so nasty on here.

The OP is unhappy. She's allowed to be happier. It isn't the oppression olympics,

Sleep deprivation. It can make everything feel ten times worse. Things will get better when the DC get older.
Creative jobs aren't all that. You would be likely be worried for money if you had one.

Focus on the jobs - look around and see if there is anything about which would make you feel more fulfilled. It might involve a pay cut/change in lifestyle though, which I know may be difficult living in one of the most expensive/materialistic cities in the world.

For the rest, you sound blessed but untidy. Maybe just accept it and resign yourself to living in blessed untidiness. My life is immeasurably calmer now that, rather than running around like a headless chicken tidying before people visit, I just say "sorry, we're a bit cluttered here and tidying's not my forte".

Agree with @Voltefarce

fair enough - you are coming from a place of privilege, but London can make your very fortunate position look pretty small. I sometimes feel this way too, OP. I’m a single parent, so even though I earn decent money, I have to run a home and pay for everything. I feel significantly poorer than many of my friends/ other parents I know.

It can also be frustrating if people are similar in terms of qualifications/ intelligence/ ambition, but seem to have so much more.

But trust me, there’s always a trade off. No one has it that easy! Their jobs may look amazing from the outside, but even the most interesting jobs have their fair share of dull crap to contend with.

Why do people keep referencing the situation in Gaza? This is someone posting for support and advice, not gloating about their perfect middle-class life. It is possible to be aware of the war and still want some help with day to day parenting.

I assume it's because perspective is a good thing to have.

My thoughts exactly. If I have half the things OP has is be happy. Are you trying to goad people with this post? Jesus you don’t even know you’re born get a damn grip

... I just wanted to add, it might be helpful for you to consider your expectations vs. reality. I have seen friends with expectations of life/themselves that are just unrealistic and unachievable in terms of juggling kids, full time jobs, bills, homes, ageing parents etc etc, and the result is to put massive pressure on themselves and feel as though they are 'failing', when in reality it's just part and parcel of normal life. I can't help but feel that you might be doing this too?

Sometimes we have expectations without even realising that they're there. For example, before having kids i didn't ever question whether they would eat normally or not - it was a subconscious expectation that they would. So it was a massive shock for me to have a child with food issues (ASD/sensory related) - who choked and threw up multiple times a day for about 3 years and was medically classed as 'failing to thrive'. Not what I was expecting - or even considered. I had to completely adjust my expectations of how things were going to play out on a day to day basis, and look at eating with a different perspective to have any chance of coping and helping him.

It sounds as though you may have expected - without necessarily thinking this - that you would have an immaculate house, with young kids who eat everything put in front of them, as well as behaving perfectly at all times. This is the exception, it not the norm! Kids are great fun but extremely hard work. If school and nursery are saying that they're great, then count your blessings - you're clearly doing a good job with them so give yourself and them some credit. Positive energy - lots of praise, warmth, encouragement, hugs - goes a long way with kids - so if your job is dragging you down and making it difficult to be this way at home, then definitely look at changing this in the first instance.

Hope this is helpful!

My house was an absolute pit when the DC were small. Try to lower your expectations a bit. The days are long but the years are short.

Meanwhile, mothers in Gaza are carrying around their children’s bodies in bags.

And that is dreadful, @VivaVivaa, but it is massive whataboutery. There would be no Mumsnet left if people didn't post on here about their problems because atrocities are going on elsewhere in the world.

Hate to be that annoying person but start practicing gratitude.

You live in a first world country in 2023. Just that fact alone means that you are amongst the most privileged human beings to have ever existed.

Start practicing gratitude.

You live in a first world country in 2023. Just that fact alone means that you are amongst the most privileged human beings to have ever existed.

Bloody hell, I hope all those people who are sleeping rough or can't afford to feed their kids are feeling sufficiently grateful for their privilege.

One child. Luck of the draw. Maybe the ability to delegate a little more thanks to financial means.

Could you ask your cleaner if they also do tidying? Rather than just cleaning around the piles they could sort them out ? I always ask my cleaners to do this and say I don't mind if things don't end up in the right place but please tidy. Maybe you could pay an extra hour and they could help you stay on top of that side of things? Such a godsend with children!

(Realise how entitled this sounds - I actually haven't had a cleaner for a year now due to old cossie livs - but wanted to suggest something practical)

When it comes to children - you cannot pick who you get. Regardless I always say it’s so important to get to know your children. Really get to know them. They might be annoying but at least they’re yours and you know them.

My DD went through a phase that made her appear rude as she refused to speak to anyone until the age of about 6 and I hated it. I saw other parents with very polite and talkative children - but it never got me down, as her mum my role was to support her and I spent ages trying to understand her and where the behaviour came from.

Also if you work in HR you can easily switch jobs (with effort) and look at organisations that are more arty (the arts industry is tough!) and then move around. It’s a long game plan but having a plan can be exciting. I understand that career moves with children can be tricky but it’s worth having a goal and working towards it and not comparing yourself to people but asking them for tips. If you can’t do that then they aren’t really the types of people you want to be around.

Except OP lives in a house that she owns in London with her husband and 2 kids… soooo

I have three children and raised them the same and all different. Personalities come into play. But I think atmosphere / parents personalities come into play too.