SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

Having my mum and sister around is completely different to having my husbands family around. In my most vulnerable state after giving birth I would want my mum and sister there

Ughhh in-laws from hell. Leave your SIL alone and get a life. Drag along your mum along with you whilst you're at it.

You should speak to your brother. He is the link between you and this child and he should be making an effort to allow you to bond with his child. It does sound like you've all pushed a little to hard in the first few weeks of the babies arrival and the reprocussion of that is that you've upset his wife and she's now keeping a firm distance to make a point that she won't be pressured into doing anything with her child that she's not comfortable with. I'm assuming she allows your brother to look after his child without her so maybe he could bring the baby to your mother's home once a week or you could all meet at the house of the sister that lives close by. The baby is only young at the moment but in a few months time have a look for some baby groups in their area and ask if you could take the baby to one, either together or on your own, the social setting may bake her feel more comfortable as you said you dont all know each other very well. Ultimately, giving the woman a hard time for the way in which she's choosing to to parent the most precious thing in the world to her is only ever going to cause a rift.. be patient and sympathetic with her and save the hard time for your brother, who like I said is the link between you and the child.

That poor woman! I'm pleased she's standing up for herself though.

You seem to have a massive grudge against her having her own family around her and not yours. She hardly knows you!

Of course she's going to want her own mother and sister around her, they're likely an excellent source of support and comfort to her.

Your family is clearly suffocating her. None of you have any right to anything. Please stop comparing what she needs from her family & try to let her know you're there to support them.

How often are you landing at their home? Maybe pull back from that as you're clearly pissing her off. The first months after having your first child are hard enough. Hope you all can find some way past this otherwise you'll end up. It seeing them at all

Hello, I think there are too many harsh replies!

I do think you need to understand more of your SILs point of view, and the obvious, some culture clashes. You say you’re from the same culture, so probs difference of opinions.

Firstly, giving birth and the postpartum period is a very vulnerable time. Understandably, she would only want the people she feels most comfortable with around her. She will be at her most exposed, breastfeeding, emotionally feeling overwhelmed. During this period, it’s natural to only want to live with those whom you can freely be yourself without any sort of pressure, since she will be the one at home most - i.e mother/sister.

HOWEVER, I don’t think it’s right for her to act rude to make your mother feel unwelcome for visiting. I get she would feel uncomfortable if she stayed over, but as long as your mother is being respectful, it’s not fair for her to act rude in response. She could just just grin and bear it, if she hated it that much. After all, it’s her husbands child as much as hers, so his mother, not just a stranger. His sister is also the aunt, as long as everyone is being kind to your SIL, I don’t think it’s fair for her to be rude for them for wanting to see their new niece.

It’s very natural for mothers to feel protective over their new baby, so makes sense, if she was a bit reluctant to pass the baby around. But 3 months later, it’s not fair to not allow you guys to be uninvolved, unless there’s a massive backstory.

I know in some cultures, DILs and sons live with the husbands family, so this is a bitter pill to swallow for you guys. So I understand why your mother felt she was being helpful and meant well by expecting to stay. But it’s perfectly normal and a good thing to want to live in your own space. As long as there’s respect on both sides, I think you should speak to your brother about wanting more access. It’s only fair tbh. After all, you are still family.

Flippin Nora OP!

Firstly 2 totally OTT and invasive to have someone in your house you barely know when you’re in labour, giving birth and postnatal- especially someone who can’t even speak to you! Different to have HER mother there because she’s the patient.

Also going round every evening is ridiculous.

Why do you expect your SIL to be the grateful one for her husband’s mother doing things? Is he a mute? Or do you just expect less of bepenised people?

She could just just grin and bear it, if she hated it that much

Why should she?

She’s the patient, she can have whoever the fuck she wants there.

She might actually be kinder to you if you stopped treating her like a vessel and started treating her like a human

Op when you have a baby you automatically want to be surrounded by all the people you love. You also have your partner who you love, and while he wants to have the people he loves there, you’re the one who had the baby and you don’t know them very well. Most of us who have had children will gravitate towards our family and away from other family-it’s only later when you actually begin to properly get to know your in laws and empathise with them, realising they’re actually not the big bad, that you realise you could all have chilled a bit, been friends and worked together for the sake of the kids. I only see that ten years on though, and I suspect your sil and people here only will too. It’s just instinct unfortunately!! Just be there when you can, take a huge step back but keep in contact and try not to have it be too big a thing (which I know is difficult!)

There is nothing easy-going about your posts. Perhaps she's overwhelmed.

What a bloody rude comment to make. The S-I-L sounds like a right piece of work, she should have been grateful for the offer of help. I've seen women like this before, they get their 'man' and then distance him as far from his family as possible, it's classic narcissistic behaviour.

I don’t mean this in isolation. But if her MIL is visiting the baby, in the context that, she is being kind and helpful to her, I don’t see any reason to behave rudely in response. She may have meant well by doing so, and feeling love for her new grandchild.

I think OP’s attitude is actually very depressing and misogynistic.

People forget that giving birth is almost always extremely painful during and after, as well as dangerous and results in a plethora of weird happenings in a woman’s body in the weeks that follow. Boob leaking, bleeding, rollercoaster of hormones - on top of having to care for and feed an actual human being on very little sleep! Particularly with first children, the shock to the system and lifestyle is incredibly emotional and physically exhausting at the best of times

Yet people like the OP see ONLY ‘There’s a new baby in the family’. They must either think that the mother is essentially a vessel whose work is done and now her job is to be hostess extraordinaire for anyone who fancies coming round to cluck at the new baby whenever it suits them. Or they actively think “Fuck her, she’s done her job and her feelings don’t matter - it’s all about who can see the cute one.”

Stop it. Just stop it! Stop treating women like this.

Grateful that someone she can’t even converse with wants to live with her when she’s just had a baby? WTF

Why is OP’s brother’s attitude never mentioned? Presumably he makes no effort with his family. I guess it’s not as much fun to make men accountable for their actions when you can blame women ey

It’s good to read that a woman is standing up to her entitled in laws. Go sil.

I'm normally the first to say it's unfair that maternal grandparents are given preferential treatment, but come on! Of course she wanted her own family around her while she was in labour, not her MIL who doesn't even speak English. Your family's attitude towards her sounds so controlling and snooty.

Oh grow up

He's a man, not a friggin puppy.

Adding to comments about misogyny - see also ‘can’t she just put up with it’ and ‘she should be grateful’. What you’re actually saying is “She, a woman in one of the most vulnerable, painful and emotional times of her life, she put her feelings last and prioritise people who don’t even consider her human.” Because that’s what good women do right

Do you live in the UK? If so, why hasn't your mother tried to learn English?

😂

I agree.

OP, if this isn't a reverse then your poor SIL - you and your family are being monumentally unreasonable.

Why is it relevant that her sister was there during the labour? Of course she's only going to want her own family/partner at the birth. It's a very vulnerable time.

The first night I brought DD home from hospital MIL threw a huge tantrum because my Mum dropped me off from the hospital and helped me settle DD but I'd told everyone else I didn't want visitors until the next day as we'd gotten home late. She then proceeded to show up at my house (often unannounced), outstayed her welcome and just generally pissed me off with her childish and entitled behaviour for months on end. We no longer speak and it will be the same with DIL and your family if you're not careful.

Of course she doesn't want someone who doesn't even speak her language and I'd imagine isn't very close to her moving in. I'd love to hear her side of it.

#TeamSIL

your brother is a fool for not taking a 3 mo to his parents house. Don’t worry too much about it - if / when you have kids your DP will have their chance again at a proper gc

Brava to you!
I told postnatal staff to turn everyone away except my best friend (my mum lives abroad) when I had DC2 as my ILs were so disrespectful in the hospital when I had DC1. They weren’t happy but I had no shits to give I’m afraid