SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

Yet her family seem to have no difficulty in seeing their child, as usual it's the paternal family that's treated so badly. Hopefully if they need some help later the OP's family will have long memories.

Well, years ago, it was traditional for women to “ lie in” for two full weeks after giving birth and a lot died from infection and probably blood clots. Not all traditions are good.
The baby is only 3 months old, you’ve all a long time to build a relationship with him but you’ve got to build a positive relationship with his mother first.
Stop crowding her, stop demanding you’re noticed. It’s 100% natural she wanted her mum, her sister, the women who know her best, with her in labour and immediately after the birth.
Take it slowly.

In your SIL's shoes I would be running from you all as fast as I could. It might be "your culture" but you clearly have no respect for her or her wishes - all of you are all about what you want. I am not surprised she wants little to do with you.

It’s her baby, not your mother’s, nor yours, nor anyone else but your brother’s. She is not being selfish, she is being a parent. You all need to back off. A lot. Ask when it is okay to visit, ask if there is any help she would like. And listen when she says no or not yet.

Your brother is the one that needs to step up.

There are always two sides to a story and we're only hearing one side here.
And whilst I appreciate different cultural norms, your side of the family sound as if they might have pushed SIL too far after she'd just given birth.
Apologies to my late MIL but there is no way in earth I'd want her around me at that time! I'd definitely want my mum though.
Having said that, it's 3 months on now and I'd definitely be hoping to have more contact by now.
Maybe you've rubbed SIL up the wrong way? Speak to your brother? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need to think of this, as if you were the vulnerable woman who had just given birth, and suddenly strangers (your MIL - who you cannot communicate with - & other family) wanted to be there during your labour, and live with you for 2 weeks, immediately post-partum. Now, do you see why you're all being unreasonable?
How about you speak to your Brother & SIL, and see what would help them, instead of just assuming? Build a proper relationship together, and I'm sure it might be different.

It's her baby? I also wouldn't want my MIL staying with me for 2 weeks post birth particularly if she couldn't communicate because of a language barrier!

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language.

Are you in the UK OP?
If so maybe your SIL prefers to speak the language of the country she's living in, it probably makes life much easier for her to do so and will do in the future especially once/if she starts getting out and about and going to mum/baby classes.

Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us

Again maybe she doesn't want to follow a culture that she feels isn't for her.

It really isn't uncommon for the mother of the baby to want her own family around her after all she hasn't known you that long and I can totally understand it would be difficult/uncomfortable for your SIL if her DH wasn't at home to translate every conversation.

Why doesn’t your brother bring the baby to visit your family? Why doesn’t he invite you round and host you? Of course she takes the baby to her family and of course she wanted her own support people there during the birth and while she recovered. She didn’t want your mother around because she is a stranger who can’t even communicate with her. Why would your mother take time off work and invite herself to stay? She wasn’t invited and she wasn’t wanted. Maybe your SiL decided from that moment that she needed strong boundaries because trying to push in and live with them after the birth is too much. I would have strong boundaries too.

She wanted her own mum and sister there whilst she laboured and recovered. You really think that’s wrong? Because she didn’t want you mum shoving her way in?
Nothing is stopping your brother from bringing the baby to visits you all or invite you over, but since he doesn’t seem to want you there then maybe he doesn’t agree with your attitudes of pushing in and acting like she owes you something.

If you want to be mad, be mad with your brother. He is the one who should be making the effort for your parents.

I don’t speak the same language as my MIL and it is absolutely exhausting for my husband who has to translate. This would have been hell for him for any two week period let alone with a newborn. It is tiring for a couple of hours let alone all day for fourteen days.

YABVU.

I totally agree with you. Some of these comments are very over the top!

I think if you and your mum had respected her wishes you would be getting to see the baby a lot more.

SIL is absolutely within her right to want whoever she wants around her child. You are absolutely within your right to be upset if you are not being allowed contact with baby. However, this won't ever trump mum's right to decide who does and doesn't have contact with her child. No culture in the world is more important than a human being's right to make autonomous decisions about their life.

If you are genuine then can I suggest that you be upset in private, let SIL know you'd love to see baby when she's ready and to let her know and then give her some bloody space to come to you. If you start this journey off by point scoring and seething over who is seeing more of the baby than you then that will not end well. Give them space. If you still feel upset in 6 months then that might just be the time to calmly let SIL know that you're hurt and implement the natural consequences (eg 'sorry SIL I'm afraid your baby just doesn't know me well enough for me to babysit last minute as we've hardly seen him for the last 6 months) Then would be the time for you all to work out where you fit in the family, not 2 weeks post partum....

I can reflect now and realise that I was a little too overbaring on my SIL when she had my niece. I was just so excited to meet her and shower her with love and it came as a real shock when SIl made it obvious she didn't want me involved at all or to have a relationship with her child. It's snowballed into more and more resentment and increasing fallings out between me and SIL and even 10 years later it's no better and my niece barely knows me. Maybe she never would have whatever I did. That's SIL's perogative. However, on reflection maybe if I'd given her space before I took it personally we'd be in a better place now and my own dd could actually see her cousins more than twice a year. Nobody has won in this situation as niece has a very superficial relationship with an aunt and uncle who would have more than happily formed a strong bond with her if given half a chance. Accepting things as the way they are though and that this is all ultimately SIL's choice for her family is the only way I've broken the cycle of pointless upset and arguments.

Just give them space OP. Nothing good will come out of smothering them

You turn up ANYWAY, don't respect her boundaries and wonder why you're as welcome as a fart in a lift?!

There's definitely a culture clash here. I think your SIL is probably more westernised by the sound of it. I think she's keeping you at arm's length because your family is behaving quite intensely; as if you have rights over her child. It is absolutely normal to want the people your most comfortable with and have a close relationship with around you at your most vulnerable eg her own family after surgery. Why would she want to negotiate your overbearing mum and language difficulties while trying to bond with her own child and recover from this.

My advice is that you need to all back off before this becomes a permanent state of things. I see my mum every couple of weeks. I see my in-laws the same, but I would choose less for the latter if I could. They are perfectly lovely...but I married my husband not his family. If they were overbearing and trying to take over; visits would definitely be far less 👍

It is not my intention to be hurtful, but there is definitely some cultural differences here and they definitely need reflecting on to improve the situation 👍

Your mum sounds very similar to my MIL. My PIL practically moved in after I had my first child. I hardly saw my own mum in the first month because 'culturally my PILs had priority' due to the baby having their surname. It was difficult and really strained my relationship with them. However, I've now instilled boundaries and our relationship is good.

I think your mum is genuinely trying to be helpful. My MIL used to keep saying to me that she is 'my mother' etc but it just came across as intrusive. I already have a mum and saw (still see) MIL only as DH's mum.

My SIL also takes my niece to see her parents and sister more especially as she's on maternity leave. However, I don't push it and I always ask how she's feeling. We have an amicable relationship and I get to see my niece semi-regularly (my brother arranges it).

Whilst I agree that the DB could take the baby to visit his parents I'm not in the camp that he should grow a pair and talk to his DM/family and tell them to ease off unless his wife asks him to do so for her.

The SIL has already stated how she feels and they should all except her word and respect her decision as a person in her own right, if not then that's their problem to sort out.

Even with a mil in law you like I wouldn't have this.

The words are 'Tough Shit'.

This isn't your SIL's culture. She doesn't have to suck it up. Your family do not have any claim or ownership over her baby.

Your attitude is the problem. Not hers.

Taking two weeks off work to stay with them and look after the baby WITHOUT asking if thats what they wanted and THEN playing the martyr when they say no is the height of entitlement.

Perhaps your mother would like to learn your SIL's culture... why is the emphasis on her to learn your family's and then suck it up even if she doesn't want to? Clearly your brother isn't too bothered and is supporting his wife. As he should. I don't see you criticising him and saying he's the awful one here. Nope its blame the woman.

Based on your initial post, I'm Team SIL.

Isn't this just a thinly veiled counterpoint to a recent thread where the OP didn't want want her MIL to stay after the birth of her new baby? If so, YABU. And if not, YA still BU.

Is this a joke? Why did anyone think a new mother would appreciate having a MIL who doesn’t even speak English stay for two weeks.

Just because something is culture or tradition doesn’t mean any one individual has to conform.

if your side of the family wants to have a good relationship with SIL and your brother, then you will stop treating her like a person in a role and start treating her like a person.