SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome."

Do you mean to say you are turning up on her doorstep despite her not wanting you there??

Your mum was spending whole days there after she’d given birth, your sister was going round in the evenings and you are all turning up regardless!? Do you have no ideas about personal boundaries?!

If I was her, I would think the lot of you were bonkers. I suggest she moves far away from the lot of you and leaves no forwarding address.

Maybe she's become more Anglicized and wants to do things her way, not the way of your culture.

And it was her body and her birth and she gets to call the shots

Can someone please explain to me what a reverse is?

Contrary to what your family seem to believe, you don't own this woman or her baby.

Did MIL ask what help her DIL wanted? Did she ask before buying appliances? How did MIL expect to help when DIL/MIL can't easily communicate?

Of course DIL will want her own Mum there to help especially as she can understand and communicate with her (I assume). I think to redeem yourselves you'll need to back track massively and start asking DIL what she would like - not just assuming what she can do MIL is massively unreasonable, so are you!

If this isn't a reverse then you, and your MIL, are being crazily entitled!

Was your mum asked to take 2 weeks off off work straight after the birth? Was she invited to stay at the house? Was she invited to visit every day in that 2 weeks? Sounds like your mum did what SHE wanted and not what your SIL and Bro wanted and this is the consequences of her actions. If you’re lucky SIL might eventually forgive her but if you all carry on just turning up at the house when you feel like it then the chances of that happening will be less and less.

To me your Mum sounds like the MIL from hell and the rest of your family don’t sound much better.

Selfish for wanting to hold her own baby and keep him close?

Can you hear yourself?

He's a whole person, not a bloody cake. There is no actual requirement to 'share' her child with anyone. Not now, not ever.

Any access you get is down to the parents and their choice. Your brother has his part to play but frankly, the level of entitlement, the level of expectation that you have some kind of 'right' to their child is so entirely out of order I don't wonder why they're not keen to have you all round.

Their child, their choice.

It means someone who posts from the other person's point of view in the scenario. It is incredibly annoying.

In this case, people are insinuating that the OP is the SIL.

When you give birth do you want a bunch of strangers around you?

Nope. Neither did she.

Are you asian/indian/Pakistani?

I'm punjabi (indian) and when I gave birth I suffered very badly with my mental health in the days after giving birth, I didn't drive for a few weeks and my mum and dad would pick me up during the day and take me to their house so I could eat/sleep/function whilst breastfeeding. Baby wouldn't out on weight, I couldn't sleep, all the drugs in my system just wouldn't leave me and I was close to suicide.

I remember a few months later my now Ex Sil (exh's sister) arguing with me and shouting at me down the phone about how I should be ashamed it took me 6 weeks to bring my newborn to her grandads house (exh's) dad's house.
That wasn't my call. That was something exh should have sorted. I didnt drive for 6 weeks. I never had a single fucker even message me asking me how I was or offer even an hour or so to pop over and cuddle baby while I made myself a fucking cup of tea but I was the BITCH who refused to involved my in laws.
My parents were there for me because I WANTED them to be. I needed my fucking mum just like your SIL needs hers.

Unfortunately the more you push, the more you'll push away. Start giving a shit about your SIL and show an interest in her and she might want you round more. Otherwise you sound like a bunch of overbearing arseholes

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese Thank you! I have seen it said so many times but didn't really get it.. what a strange thing to do!

Same here and my husband wouldn’t allow it at all. I’m sure my in laws will be posting similar thread’s when I have my baby next year.

As you still live at home, I'm going to assume that you've never given birth.
Giving birth is a scary experience where your bits are on show and you leak blood and milk afterwards. Taking a shit is painful as hell and the lack of sleep is a killer. The patience that she may have shown you in the past will be long gone. Even if your brother is Mary Poppins and doing 50% of the housework and childcare when he's not at work, she's going through a really tough time.

Your family is not easy going at all if your post is how your mother feels too. You weren't invited into the delivery room because she doesn't know you so why would you be so jealous of her sister? Your nephew is not an object who belongs to you and your mother. Your controlling actions are making them resist more,

Why are you putting all this on her?
Is your brother an incapable, incompetent doormat with no brains?

If you want to see his baby more - talk to him.

She’s allowed to want her sister at the birth and not your family who she barely knows! It may be that this doesn’t fit with your family’s culture, but as you’ve said, she’s not from your culture and it shouldn’t be forced on to her.

It’s your family that needs to wake up to what they’re doing. If not you may well end up pushing her to divorce your brother and then you really won’t have much of a relationship.

Why on earth did your mum try and move in with them for 2 weeks after the birth if your SIL did not expressly ask her too? Your side of the family sound like a nightmare.

You and your mum are out of line..how can a stranger be of any help postpartum when she cant even speak the language? Your SIL can nurse in front of her own mother, talk to her own mother,be nude in front of her mother if midwives comes around need to check on a thing or a two etc?

your mum not visiting for an hour but staying ower for weeks without even really knowing sil and unable to understand each other its like any new mums nightmare situation. If anything your brother should have told you and your mum to give his wife and new baby space and wait for an invite to visit

back off, if there is lack of grandchildren perhaps your turn to offer your mom what your sil offers her mom?

This is what I don’t understand.

It’s his baby and his house too, so I’m wondering how often he invites them around.

Why is SIL the one seen to be stopping them and not the brother.

Dude. Y'all sound ridiculous. Good for SIL and your brother for standing up for themselves.

The only way this can be resolved is having an open conversation with your sil and brother.

Regarding your mother offering to stay for 2 weeks, it was a lovely gesture and one that I'm sure would have been appreciated by many people but honestly when you've just had a baby, you really only want space and your own mum. You're so vulnerable and she was probably frustrated at not being listened to. In regards to not having a relationship with your neice, it's sad but could be worked out.

If it were me I'd try to have a gentle conversation with her and explain that you're sorry if you've been overbearing and that it really was just coming from a place of love, but that you really want a relationship with them all so how could we make it work so everyone feels listened to. Likely she's going to her family so much because that's where she feels most comfortable so I'd start there, good luck :)

ooh, naughty woman, not living with her in-laws.

Let me guess, she does other evil things too? Maybe she earns her own money? Expects her husband to share the housework and childcare?

What a witch.

I don’t think many women would want their mother in law staying with them after giving birth!

If your brother has any issues with any of this then he should be taking his baby to go and see your family.

I wouldn’t be happy if my in laws decided to stay with me just after I had a baby. I also wouldn’t be happy with them coming over everyday. I know they’d be desperate to see the baby but really the baby and mum come first in all of this. If your sil wants to do things in her own time then so be it.

The issue of not meeting your sil before the wedding is the fault of your brother. He may not want to continue with family traditions and culture and wants to go it on his own. You need to leave him to decide what he wants for his life.

Of course this will be hard for your mum, especially if it’s all new and different but I’d offer a kind olive branch to them, explain you’re keen to be involved in their family in any way you can and let them lead the way.

and her baby

It's not 'her' baby it's their baby, why do women forget this unless they want something?

I don't understand why SIL is getting grief when surely you should be talking to your brother about arranging access?
Also yeah I wouldn't want a woman speaking a foreign language in my home for 2 weeks after I gave birth either.. My boobs were out 24/7 and blood was everywhere.
Poor sil